How to get noticed on the Offer Holders’ Page

Because why wait until you can embarrass yourself in person?

applicants banter BNOCs cambridge offer comments Dating embarrassment Facebook Facebook page Freshers getting noticed offer holder offer holders page social media Students Wolfson

The offer-holders’ Facebook page: a place to congratulate, connect with and obsessively compare yourself to all of your fellow applicants. I’m sure we all remember the aspiring BNOCs who posted religiously every day, even if most were promptly BNOCked off the radar as soon as Michaelmas started.

But what exactly is the secret to getting yourself noticed amidst the hundreds of people all trying to make an impression? The Tab has sniffed out the best and worst of next year’s potential freshers in order to put together the guide we all wish we’d had in the months before matriculation:

Establish a banter splash zone

Why let yourself be shackled by the old adage of ‘show not tell’? If your banter is truly “messy,” it’s usually safest just to inform people of this fact from the start.  After all, you may as well weed out those who can’t keep up with your free-wheeling “banter wagon” before you actually have to meet them.

Screen Shot 2016-05-12 at 20.04.50

If ‘technical’ here is what you’re after, you may have picked the wrong degree

Use capital letters

BECAUSE YOU’VE PROBABLY WAITED YOUR ENTIRE LIFE TO FIND SOMEONE AS HYPED FOR CHINESE POLYPHONY AS YOU!!!!!

Sorry, I think there's someone at Girton who can't quite hear you.

Sorry, I think there’s someone at Girton who can’t quite hear you.

Try some intellectual elitism on for size

The way to go for those who want to spend the entirety of their first year being told that they’re an elitist bitch, rather than just the final term.

Screen Shot 2016-05-12 at 20.05.05

Haven’t heard that one before

Alternatively, show everyone just how few shits you give about the league tables

While I’m prepared to admit that this offer-holder (probably) has good intentions, their underlying patronisation is about as successfully veiled as Donald Trump’s scalp.

Screen Shot 2016-05-12 at 20.05.12

I can’t quite help but think you’ve firmed your offer anyway

Assert your bragging rights 

Okay, be honest: is the point of your post the garnering of genuine advice, or do you really just want to show off to your future peers that UCAS hasn’t spat you out as an unlovable mess? As someone who spent Michaelmas in perhaps the most disastrous long-distance relationship imaginable – the most romantic milestone of which was the day my ex unblocked me on Facebook – allow me tentatively to suggest that it won’t work out. Sorry. But don’t worry, it’s not all bad; now you can start looking forward to the moment you find your supervisor on Tinder.

Screen Shot 2016-05-12 at 20.05.20

Just stop answering their calls and they should get the message soon enough.

Get in the dating game early

For those of you unencumbered by an SO SOS, why bother pretending that you joined this group for any other reason than to scout out potential love interests? After all, asking outright is a lot more efficient than scrolling through the profile of the most attractive guy you’ve found on your course, trying to work out whether the girl who appears in three years’ worth of holiday photos is his girlfriend or his sister (and if the latter, whether you’d mind going out with someone who takes that many pictures of his sister in a bikini).

Screen Shot 2016-05-12 at 20.05.32

They say the early bird catches the Jesuan

Ask controversial questions to spark intellectual debates

I didn’t know that it was common practice to choose your future friends based on their dietary requirements, but I suppose it’s important to find the people with whom you’ll be spending Wednesday nights in order to avoid the Cindies cheese.

Screen Shot 2016-05-12 at 20.05.40

Sit back and watch the shit hit the fan

And finally, how not to get noticed

Screen Shot 2016-05-12 at 20.05.46

Where?

For more gems, see the 2016 Applicants and Offer Holders’ group.