The offer-holders’ Facebook page: a place to congratulate, connect with and obsessively compare yourself to all of your fellow applicants. I’m sure we all remember the aspiring BNOCs who posted religiously every day, even if most were promptly BNOCked off the radar as soon as Michaelmas started.
But what exactly is the secret to getting yourself noticed amidst the hundreds of people all trying to make an impression? The Tab has sniffed out the best and worst of next year’s potential freshers in order to put together the guide we all wish we’d had in the months before matriculation:
Establish a banter splash zone
Why let yourself be shackled by the old adage of ‘show not tell’? If your banter is truly “messy,” it’s usually safest just to inform people of this fact from the start. After all, you may as well weed out those who can’t keep up with your free-wheeling “banter wagon” before you actually have to meet them.
If ‘technical’ here is what you’re after, you may have picked the wrong degree
Use capital letters
BECAUSE YOU’VE PROBABLY WAITED YOUR ENTIRE LIFE TO FIND SOMEONE AS HYPED FOR CHINESE POLYPHONY AS YOU!!!!!
Sorry, I think there’s someone at Girton who can’t quite hear you.
Try some intellectual elitism on for size
The way to go for those who want to spend the entirety of their first year being told that they’re an elitist bitch, rather than just the final term.
Haven’t heard that one before
Alternatively, show everyone just how few shits you give about the league tables
While I’m prepared to admit that this offer-holder (probably) has good intentions, their underlying patronisation is about as successfully veiled as Donald Trump’s scalp.
I can’t quite help but think you’ve firmed your offer anyway
Assert your bragging rights
Okay, be honest: is the point of your post the garnering of genuine advice, or do you really just want to show off to your future peers that UCAS hasn’t spat you out as an unlovable mess? As someone who spent Michaelmas in perhaps the most disastrous long-distance relationship imaginable – the most romantic milestone of which was the day my ex unblocked me on Facebook – allow me tentatively to suggest that it won’t work out. Sorry. But don’t worry, it’s not all bad; now you can start looking forward to the moment you find your supervisor on Tinder.
Just stop answering their calls and they should get the message soon enough.
Get in the dating game early
For those of you unencumbered by an SO SOS, why bother pretending that you joined this group for any other reason than to scout out potential love interests? After all, asking outright is a lot more efficient than scrolling through the profile of the most attractive guy you’ve found on your course, trying to work out whether the girl who appears in three years’ worth of holiday photos is his girlfriend or his sister (and if the latter, whether you’d mind going out with someone who takes that many pictures of his sister in a bikini).
They say the early bird catches the Jesuan
Ask controversial questions to spark intellectual debates
I didn’t know that it was common practice to choose your future friends based on their dietary requirements, but I suppose it’s important to find the people with whom you’ll be spending Wednesday nights in order to avoid the Cindies cheese.
How to get noticed on the Offer Holders’ Page
Because why wait until you can embarrass yourself in person?
CAMBRIDGE
The offer-holders’ Facebook page: a place to congratulate, connect with and obsessively compare yourself to all of your fellow applicants. I’m sure we all remember the aspiring BNOCs who posted religiously every day, even if most were promptly BNOCked off the radar as soon as Michaelmas started.
But what exactly is the secret to getting yourself noticed amidst the hundreds of people all trying to make an impression? The Tab has sniffed out the best and worst of next year’s potential freshers in order to put together the guide we all wish we’d had in the months before matriculation:
Establish a banter splash zone
Why let yourself be shackled by the old adage of ‘show not tell’? If your banter is truly “messy,” it’s usually safest just to inform people of this fact from the start. After all, you may as well weed out those who can’t keep up with your free-wheeling “banter wagon” before you actually have to meet them.
If ‘technical’ here is what you’re after, you may have picked the wrong degree
Use capital letters
BECAUSE YOU’VE PROBABLY WAITED YOUR ENTIRE LIFE TO FIND SOMEONE AS HYPED FOR CHINESE POLYPHONY AS YOU!!!!!
Sorry, I think there’s someone at Girton who can’t quite hear you.
Try some intellectual elitism on for size
The way to go for those who want to spend the entirety of their first year being told that they’re an elitist bitch, rather than just the final term.
Haven’t heard that one before
Alternatively, show everyone just how few shits you give about the league tables
While I’m prepared to admit that this offer-holder (probably) has good intentions, their underlying patronisation is about as successfully veiled as Donald Trump’s scalp.
I can’t quite help but think you’ve firmed your offer anyway
Assert your bragging rights
Okay, be honest: is the point of your post the garnering of genuine advice, or do you really just want to show off to your future peers that UCAS hasn’t spat you out as an unlovable mess? As someone who spent Michaelmas in perhaps the most disastrous long-distance relationship imaginable – the most romantic milestone of which was the day my ex unblocked me on Facebook – allow me tentatively to suggest that it won’t work out. Sorry. But don’t worry, it’s not all bad; now you can start looking forward to the moment you find your supervisor on Tinder.
Just stop answering their calls and they should get the message soon enough.
Get in the dating game early
For those of you unencumbered by an SO SOS, why bother pretending that you joined this group for any other reason than to scout out potential love interests? After all, asking outright is a lot more efficient than scrolling through the profile of the most attractive guy you’ve found on your course, trying to work out whether the girl who appears in three years’ worth of holiday photos is his girlfriend or his sister (and if the latter, whether you’d mind going out with someone who takes that many pictures of his sister in a bikini).
They say the early bird catches the Jesuan
Ask controversial questions to spark intellectual debates
I didn’t know that it was common practice to choose your future friends based on their dietary requirements, but I suppose it’s important to find the people with whom you’ll be spending Wednesday nights in order to avoid the Cindies cheese.
Sit back and watch the shit hit the fan
And finally, how not to get noticed
Where?
For more gems, see the 2016 Applicants and Offer Holders’ group.
CAMBRIDGE
I learned the best interview habits to land my dream job by practising with the Meta Quest 3
This is a serious game changer
BRANDS
Former Cambridge medicine student jailed for sexual offences related to children
CAMBRIDGE
25-year-old Lorcan Elliott admitted to 22 offences
‘You don’t seem to be able to write’: Savage comments from Cambridge uni supervisors
CAMBRIDGE
Because we needed a sequel x
Ranking the top five ‘Cambridge colleges as…’ lists
CAMBRIDGE
Yes I am technically creating a list of lists
Outside the Cambridge bubble: What to do when you miss Cambridge
CAMBRIDGE
From doing everything to doing nothing at all
Absolutely everything you need to bring as a fresher starting at Cambridge University
CAMBRIDGE
Nobody told me I’d need to pack black tie
Cambridge JSO student activist sentenced to four years in same jail as killer Lucy Letby
CAMBRIDGE
22-year-old Cressida Gethin was jailed for disruption caused on the M25
Cambridge students: It’s okay not to get a first
CAMBRIDGE
This is an announcement for all of you and your imposter syndrome
Cambridge student who suddenly died from undiagnosed condition awarded degree after death
CAMBRIDGE
Clarissa Nicholls is described as ‘dedicated, determined and resilient’
Cambridge University considers ending collaboration with Barclays and Lloyds
CAMBRIDGE
Leaked documents revealed the university has concerns over the banks’ links to fossil fuels
Cambridge students warned university graduations may be disrupted by pro-Palestine protestors
CAMBRIDGE
This comes after ‘blood red’ paint was thrown on Senate House earlier this week
20-year-old left seriously injured after stabbing outside popular Cambridge nightclub
CAMBRIDGE
Cambridgeshire Police has released CCTV of two men it believes were involved
Former University of Cambridge student died in uni room after being rejected from studying Master’s
CAMBRIDGE
Benjamin Faux has been described as a ‘gentle young man, with a lovely warm smile’
Review: CUMTS x Big Band Roulette: All That Jazz
CAMBRIDGE
Jazz and musical theatre…what a great start to May Week!
Review: The Footlights International Tour Show 2024: This Time We Have a Dog
CAMBRIDGE
This sketch comedy feels a bit sketchily comic
Cambridge University’s St John’s May Ball disrupted by pro-Palestine protest
CAMBRIDGE
Protestors unfurled a banner and launched flares in front of hundreds of students
Cambridge SU officially supports Cambridge for Palestine encampment
CAMBRIDGE
An emergency vote on 11th June confirmed the SU’s support for the encampment
Cambridge University partially bans relationships between students and staff
CAMBRIDGE
From 1st July, intimate relationships between staff and students will be banned
Preview: VEGAS
CAMBRIDGE
What happens in Vegas, stays in… Slough?
University of Cambridge supervisors are granted a 15 per cent pay rise
CAMBRIDGE
Supervisors at Cambridge colleges have won a 15 per cent pay rise
Cambridge University beaten by Imperial College London in new university world ranking
CAMBRIDGE
Cambridge has dropped down to fifth in the world
It’s been just over a year since those Lizzo allegations, so what’s the singer up to now?
UK
From the Met Gala to Bali, here’s what she’s been up to during her ‘gap year’
Inside the lavish filming locations of The Perfect Couple on Netflix
UK
Someone take me here I beg
Inside Pioneertown: The genuine wild west town owned by Selling Sunset cast member Alanna
UK
But this is genuinely the most iconic thing ever
Right, what is pentobarbital from Netflix’s The Perfect Couple and is it actually a real drug?
UK
It’s a crucially important part of the show
Netflix has cleared up why everyone is randomly dancing at start of The Perfect Couple
UK
It’s such a tone shift
It’s over! Ronnie and Harriett have finally split just weeks after leaving Love Island
UK
We all saw this coming a mile off
The Perfect Couple opening dance sequence caused ‘mutiny’ and ‘meltdowns’ amongst the cast
UK
I don’t blame them tbh
Another Love Is Blind UK couple SPLITS and Cat reveals REAL reason why Freddie blocked her
UK
The show may be over but the drama has only just begun!
The Jeremy Kyle Show inquest leaves bleak reflection: How was it still airing only five years ago?
UK
A dark stain on British TV history
Here’s how to use the changing hair colour filter that’s all over TikTok right now
UK
The blonde blindness is real
Get to know model Alanna Gold: The new cast member making a major mark on Selling Sunset
UK
I’m sorry, but the fact she owns a fully functioning wild west town is insane
Camila Cabello just dropped new music and these lyrics could be about Sabrina Carpenter
UK
Can Friends Kiss feels like a clap back to Taste
A look at the crimes of Worst Ex Ever’s Mei and Rosa and where they are now
UK
The mother and daughter who inflicted lies and violence in a battle for custody
Erm, this Temu croissant lamp might be an actual pastry after TikToker took bite out of it?!
UK
She claims the lamp was actually just a real croissant covered in resin
These are the best UK unis right now according to the Daily Mail’s new uni rankings
UK
Number one is so rogue
Here are the most iconic and memorable items you can buy in the Game of Thrones auction
UK
Brb, replacing my work desk with the Iron Throne
These 19 Gilmore Girls production secrets and facts are just as good as the show
UK
No, they didn’t drink that much coffee
Explaining the saga of Taylor Swift bestie Brittany Mahomes coming out as a Trump supporter
UK
Trump just made a huge post thanking her for the support
This colour perception test is so hard only one per cent of people get full marks on it
UK
I guess I should’ve gone to Specsavers
These are the most horrifying uni flatmate stories, according to Reddit
UK
I lost all faith in humanity while reading these
George RR Martin’s close friend reveals his real opinions are far more intense than his post
UK
‘I heard his full scope of opinions on HOTD and and what he said in his post was very mild’