The offer-holders’ Facebook page: a place to congratulate, connect with and obsessively compare yourself to all of your fellow applicants. I’m sure we all remember the aspiring BNOCs who posted religiously every day, even if most were promptly BNOCked off the radar as soon as Michaelmas started.
But what exactly is the secret to getting yourself noticed amidst the hundreds of people all trying to make an impression? The Tab has sniffed out the best and worst of next year’s potential freshers in order to put together the guide we all wish we’d had in the months before matriculation:
Establish a banter splash zone
Why let yourself be shackled by the old adage of ‘show not tell’? If your banter is truly “messy,” it’s usually safest just to inform people of this fact from the start. After all, you may as well weed out those who can’t keep up with your free-wheeling “banter wagon” before you actually have to meet them.
If ‘technical’ here is what you’re after, you may have picked the wrong degree
Use capital letters
BECAUSE YOU’VE PROBABLY WAITED YOUR ENTIRE LIFE TO FIND SOMEONE AS HYPED FOR CHINESE POLYPHONY AS YOU!!!!!
Sorry, I think there’s someone at Girton who can’t quite hear you.
Try some intellectual elitism on for size
The way to go for those who want to spend the entirety of their first year being told that they’re an elitist bitch, rather than just the final term.
Haven’t heard that one before
Alternatively, show everyone just how few shits you give about the league tables
While I’m prepared to admit that this offer-holder (probably) has good intentions, their underlying patronisation is about as successfully veiled as Donald Trump’s scalp.
I can’t quite help but think you’ve firmed your offer anyway
Assert your bragging rights
Okay, be honest: is the point of your post the garnering of genuine advice, or do you really just want to show off to your future peers that UCAS hasn’t spat you out as an unlovable mess? As someone who spent Michaelmas in perhaps the most disastrous long-distance relationship imaginable – the most romantic milestone of which was the day my ex unblocked me on Facebook – allow me tentatively to suggest that it won’t work out. Sorry. But don’t worry, it’s not all bad; now you can start looking forward to the moment you find your supervisor on Tinder.
Just stop answering their calls and they should get the message soon enough.
Get in the dating game early
For those of you unencumbered by an SO SOS, why bother pretending that you joined this group for any other reason than to scout out potential love interests? After all, asking outright is a lot more efficient than scrolling through the profile of the most attractive guy you’ve found on your course, trying to work out whether the girl who appears in three years’ worth of holiday photos is his girlfriend or his sister (and if the latter, whether you’d mind going out with someone who takes that many pictures of his sister in a bikini).
They say the early bird catches the Jesuan
Ask controversial questions to spark intellectual debates
I didn’t know that it was common practice to choose your future friends based on their dietary requirements, but I suppose it’s important to find the people with whom you’ll be spending Wednesday nights in order to avoid the Cindies cheese.
How to get noticed on the Offer Holders’ Page
Because why wait until you can embarrass yourself in person?
CAMBRIDGE
The offer-holders’ Facebook page: a place to congratulate, connect with and obsessively compare yourself to all of your fellow applicants. I’m sure we all remember the aspiring BNOCs who posted religiously every day, even if most were promptly BNOCked off the radar as soon as Michaelmas started.
But what exactly is the secret to getting yourself noticed amidst the hundreds of people all trying to make an impression? The Tab has sniffed out the best and worst of next year’s potential freshers in order to put together the guide we all wish we’d had in the months before matriculation:
Establish a banter splash zone
Why let yourself be shackled by the old adage of ‘show not tell’? If your banter is truly “messy,” it’s usually safest just to inform people of this fact from the start. After all, you may as well weed out those who can’t keep up with your free-wheeling “banter wagon” before you actually have to meet them.
If ‘technical’ here is what you’re after, you may have picked the wrong degree
Use capital letters
BECAUSE YOU’VE PROBABLY WAITED YOUR ENTIRE LIFE TO FIND SOMEONE AS HYPED FOR CHINESE POLYPHONY AS YOU!!!!!
Sorry, I think there’s someone at Girton who can’t quite hear you.
Try some intellectual elitism on for size
The way to go for those who want to spend the entirety of their first year being told that they’re an elitist bitch, rather than just the final term.
Haven’t heard that one before
Alternatively, show everyone just how few shits you give about the league tables
While I’m prepared to admit that this offer-holder (probably) has good intentions, their underlying patronisation is about as successfully veiled as Donald Trump’s scalp.
I can’t quite help but think you’ve firmed your offer anyway
Assert your bragging rights
Okay, be honest: is the point of your post the garnering of genuine advice, or do you really just want to show off to your future peers that UCAS hasn’t spat you out as an unlovable mess? As someone who spent Michaelmas in perhaps the most disastrous long-distance relationship imaginable – the most romantic milestone of which was the day my ex unblocked me on Facebook – allow me tentatively to suggest that it won’t work out. Sorry. But don’t worry, it’s not all bad; now you can start looking forward to the moment you find your supervisor on Tinder.
Just stop answering their calls and they should get the message soon enough.
Get in the dating game early
For those of you unencumbered by an SO SOS, why bother pretending that you joined this group for any other reason than to scout out potential love interests? After all, asking outright is a lot more efficient than scrolling through the profile of the most attractive guy you’ve found on your course, trying to work out whether the girl who appears in three years’ worth of holiday photos is his girlfriend or his sister (and if the latter, whether you’d mind going out with someone who takes that many pictures of his sister in a bikini).
They say the early bird catches the Jesuan
Ask controversial questions to spark intellectual debates
I didn’t know that it was common practice to choose your future friends based on their dietary requirements, but I suppose it’s important to find the people with whom you’ll be spending Wednesday nights in order to avoid the Cindies cheese.
Sit back and watch the shit hit the fan
And finally, how not to get noticed
Where?
For more gems, see the 2016 Applicants and Offer Holders’ group.
CAMBRIDGE
Food for thought: How (not) to feed Cambridge students in self-isolation
CAMBRIDGE
It’s the being told to have two weeks’ worth of food but only having half a shelf of fridge space for me
Fomo is evil, Hotel? Trivago and getting called out – New YCA podcast out now!
CAMBRIDGE
Essential isolation listening material!
Review: Macbeth
CAMBRIDGE
An appreciation post for Lady Macbeth and the comeback of theatre
An extremely in depth article about what your choice of face mask says about you
CAMBRIDGE
Camfess, this one’s for you x
Quiz: Which Cambridge night out are you?
CAMBRIDGE
Wednesday Cindies or Friday Fez? These six random questions will tell you which iconic Cambridge night out you are
38 of the 4,660 Cambridge students tested positive for asymptomatic COVID-19 last week
CAMBRIDGE
There were a total of 156 positive cases across both the symptomatic and asymptotic University testing.
Actress and activist Jameela Jamil speaks (virtually) at The Cambridge Union
CAMBRIDGE
Jameela Jamil on the hope she has in our generation to make our world ‘The Good Place’
Cambridge SU changes its campaign to demand opt-in system for in-person learning
CAMBRIDGE
A friendly amendment was passed to campaign for opt-in face-to-face teaching, with online learning as the default
Your College Aunts Week Three: Life During COVID
CAMBRIDGE
You know it’s a tense time when you’ve got the porters on speed dial
Why I’m disappointed that my COVID test was negative
CAMBRIDGE
A tale of love, loss and late-night Lidl trips
Opinion: The SU’s campaign against in-person teaching is ill-considered and unwise
CAMBRIDGE
The mental health impacts of the campaign against in-person teaching have not been considered, and we were not given our say
Opinion: Asymptomatic testing at Cambridge should NOT be optional
CAMBRIDGE
25 per cent of eligible students at the University are not signed up to asymptomatic testing
Why household harmony is more vital than ever in Cambridge during COVID-19
CAMBRIDGE
‘Let’s be friends – best friends’ (Household Edition)
Cambridge makes ‘mini-lungs’ to investigate effects of COVID-19
CAMBRIDGE
Cambridge scientists collaborated with teams from South Korea to aid the global research effort on coronavirus
Trinity College replant lawn months after XR protestors dug it up
CAMBRIDGE
New turf is finally being laid after protestors dug into it in February
Training Wheels: Review
CAMBRIDGE
‘Don’t think about what it is, think about what it could have been’, an early appeal made by a cast depleted from 11 to two
News Column: Week Two
CAMBRIDGE
A week of Homerton attempting to stay relevant
Opinion: We need to move all non-essential teaching online, and we need to do it now
CAMBRIDGE
Being sick of Zoom is better than being sick from long Covid, just saying
Downing College in talks with Public Health representatives as COVID cases rise
CAMBRIDGE
An email sent to students said ‘Downing is currently attracting similar levels of concern’ as Homerton
What’s On: Week 3
CAMBRIDGE
Oh no, it’s Gleb again
Only a true pumpkin spice basic bitch can relate to at least 37/41 of these things
UK
25. Taylor Swift’s Folklore album just spoke to your soul
What is a ‘holidate’? The dating trend you need to get to know ASAP
UK
Yes, there’s actual science behind it
At least one university student has died every week since the start of term
UK
Eight students have died this month
Take this quiz and we’ll tell you which daytime television presenter you are
UK
All rise for Queen Alison
These are the best 2020 inspired Halloween costumes to celebrate this terrifying year
UK
Obvs going as a sexy banana bread
New true crime series looks at some of the most shocking unsolved murders in the UK
UK
Dark Land: Hunting the Killers starts this weekend
Eight sneaky ways you can dip out of your Zoom classes mid-call when you’ve had enough
UK
Don’t you just hate it when your flatmate passes out during your lecture?
Meet the cast of Netflix film ‘Holidate’ and where you recognise them from
UK
Brooklyn Beckham’s fiancé is in it!!
The 30 under 30 rich list: Which UK celebs are making the most millions?
UK
Not jealous at all
Freshers are refusing to take COVID tests so they don’t have to self isolate
UK
‘It’s sort of like a don’t see, don’t tell vibe’
The school featured in the ‘You’re at a private school’ TikTok has issued an apology
UK
The video was ‘bad taste’
Here are the 23 best reactions to *that* Kim Kardashian birthday island post
UK
After two weeks of multiple health screens, come to a private island with these memes x
PSA: McDonald’s is offering 50 per cent off this week
UK
A Big Mac meal for less than £3? Yes please
Only Harry himself would get full marks on this Harry Styles music video quiz
UK
We are truly not worthy of him
Who is Emily Ratajkowski’s husband? Meet Sebastian Bear-McClard
UK
The low-key producer with high profile friends
Love Island’s Camilla has given birth to a baby girl
UK
Camilla announced the happy news on Instagram
TikTok is full of people using *that* savage Sam and Zara audio, here are the funniest
UK
I GENUINELY BELIEVE WITH MY WHOLE HEART WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS
The story behind *that* Potential Breakup Song TikTok is wholesome af
UK
My stupid birthday
Need pumpkinspiration? Here are the best pumpkin ideas on TikTok right now
UK
Give ’em pumpkin to talk about
BBC is releasing a documentary series about the trials of Oscar Pistorius
UK
He shot and killed his wife Reeva on Valentine’s Day in 2013
This is where you recognise the cast of Netflix’s The Queen’s Gambit from
UK
Yes that is the kid from Love Actually