How to fit in at Cambridge

A guide to being unique, trendy and generally the raddest thing in town

Cambridge cambridge freshers Freshers Freshers Week friends guide to making friends how to fit in satire

1. Have a dietary requirement

Vegan? Vegetarian? Lactose intolerant? That’s great. Take every opportunity to tell people about your dietary requirement and the reason behind it, be it religious, moral or digestive. Or just make a requirement up and really harp on about it.

After you’ve exhausted this line of chat, smile smugly and say, “well, obviously, that’s just my personal opinion.” At Cambridge, you are far too important to eat like everyone else.

Lol. No chance.

2. Tell EVERYONE about your gap year

Sorry, gap ‘yah’. We all obviously care about your charity work, not to mention the time you got so stoned on Mount wherever that you had an epiphany and realised life is worthless so just live in the moment yeah. If you DIDN’T have a gap yah, don’t worry.

Find yourself at Uni: get a fringe cut that you’ll spend the rest of your degree trying to grow out; take up smoking; or randomly burst into French mid-conversation, because, remember, you’re cool now.

Survey your kingdom

3. Embrace your background

If you went to private school, go and high five all of your mates that have inevitably turned up with you. “Look it’s the boys, how CLASSIC, can’t believe you’re here, I LOVE THESE GUYS”, to show you have friends that are just as posh as you.

You went to state school? No worries, fam, you’re a G now. Perhaps you came from London, and might’ve been part of a gang. Work this air of impoverished mystique. Come up with a cool name and randomly throw up gang signs on the dance floor in Cindies. Kill it.

The lads

4. Show how much you can drink

Now you’ve established you’re really special and cool, go get absolutely smashed. And when you’re drunk, say, “OMG GUYS, I’M SO DRUNK”, and then the next morning, when you’re hungover, say, “OMG GUYS, I’M SO HUNGOVER”.

Everyone should know how sick last night was. Shout it from the rooftops and then bask in the company of others who you also got really wankered with. This is what fitting in feels like. *toss that fringe you will grow to hate and eat your gluten free muffin*.


5. And lastly…Don’t worry about it

You’re at Cambridge. You’ve made it because you’re ‘special’. You weren’t content with the sweaty sixth form parties or helping to churn the rumour mill; you sat in the library and worked. Back home, your peers may have grimly shouldered their unconscious friends on nights out, while you were in bed reading.

Cambridge will be brilliant because you’re weird. Don’t worry about ‘fitting in’ or being ‘normal’ ‘cos, no offence, if that was your aim, you’ve failed. As clichéd as it sounds, be yourself. You also get to pick your friends and not just pretend to like them for fear of being crushed by loneliness. If you need to search further afield, you have 30 other colleges to embarrass yourself at before you admit defeat. If you ARE a vegan, inter-railing, posh kid, just embrace it! There will be many others like you.

We’re all cool here

Lastly, always remember, you are your own best friend, so tell yourself you’re great and go buy yourself a pint. Or an apple juice.

Or a pint of apple juice.