Who has the best college pet?
SAM WATTS uncovers Cambridge’s furry underbelly
Forget sports leagues, Tompkins Tables, May Balls, money: what we all really want to know is who has the best college pet.
We’ve selected a shortlist of some of the best college pets for you to choose from:
King’s: Chet Court Duck/Zr Duck
King’s (of course) doesn’t have a college cat or dog: these animals are far too mainstream. Needless to say the undergrads found a duck to be a sufficiently edgy college mascot.
In fact, the duck doesn’t even belong to the college, citing that ‘property is theft’. He merely works in collaboration with students to further his Marxist political policies (he is looking for equality in all ponds, lakes and canals across the country by dismantling the white privilege of the swan bourgeoisie).
He has also been working with students on his new mixtape: ‘Why These Quackers Hatin’?’, a new fusion of techno grime and electro deep house.
Fitz: The Hedgehogs
Fitz chose its pet to reflect the college: no-one really knows where to find it, and it’s covered in pricks (I’m sorry Fitz, it was too easy).
The hedgehog did not want to be interviewed for the article. Some say it’s because he has a rather prickly personality…
Luckily we drafted in The Tab’s best sketch artists to do a portrait of the animal.
John’s: Miss Pearl
A cat is the perfect representative of Johnians; not only do cats think they’re better than everyone else, they’re also massive dicks.
While most cats catch mice, Miss Pearl’s job is to catch any poor people trying to sneak onto college property and alert the porters. It is said she can smell state school students from up to a kilometre away.
Students often know she’s coming from the jangling of her solid silver name tag, which the Master bought with some lose change he found in his chinos.
Apparently Eddie Redmayne wanted her to feature in a scene of ‘The Theory of Everything’, but her agent informed producers that they couldn’t afford her.
Churchill: Maxamillian the Accountant/Dog
Max has been drafted in to work once a week in the bursar’s office. While this generally leads to reduced productivity, it also increases morale. Churchill students say he’s the cutest accountant they’ve ever seen (not that that’s a challenge).
The Brown Lab has overcome a lot of prejudice against dogs in the accountancy sector. However, he is still held back by basic disadvantages such as not having opposable thumbs, or fingers. As a result his calculations often just involve him mashing the keyboard with his paws.
But who cares if you can’t do maths when you’re that fluffy?
Girton wins as the college that’s the most obsessed with their pet. We believe this is because students there have been separated from civilization for so long that they have started worshipping the cat as a god-like figure.
We have received reports that Buster has staged a coup and now rules the college as a totalitarian regime. However, we cannot confirm this as none of our journalists have found where Girton is yet.
The sale of Buster merchandise is the college’s biggest source of income, raising over £350 last year.
Magdalene: Elliot the Elephant
Elliot is actually on a university pet exchange programme from the University of Nairobi. He is staying at Magdalene while their college dog studies in Kenya.
Elliot is very popular among the students, often seen out in Life and Cindies. It is rumoured that he is to be made an honourary member of the Wyverns.
However, college authorities are said to be unimpressed with his work ethic, having missed a number of supervisions and being deaned twice already for disruptive behaviour in college.
Pembroke: Selfie-obsessed Millie and Untitled
Millie the cat and Untitled the hedgehog serve dutifully as beloved companions for Valencians. The animals, however, have an incessant obsession with selfies. Tab journalist Jon Cooper, above, was pushed by the attention-seeking creatures on two separate occasions to engage in their narcissism.
St Catz: Patty the platypus
Bet you thought they’d have a cat, didn’t you? Well they don’t. They have a platypus. But don’t check because she’s really shy and hard to find…
Wolfson: Sheldon the sea turtle
Sea turtles can live up to 150 years. Sheldon here was born in the 1920s so is actually roughly the same age as most of the undergrads at Wolfson.