Shock and horror: Library unable to cut in a straight line

Disarray at King’s after thoughtless thieves kidnap the library’s only guillotine.

Cutting-maniac librarians were in a state of confusion as they awoke yesterday morning to find their treasured guillotine was missing.

Panic ensued and pleading emails were distributed asking for the safe return of the “sentimental” object at the soonest opportunity.

Allegedly Scotland Yard has been approached but have not yet collected forensic evidence

Despite clearly having the label “PROPERTY OF KING’S COLLEGE LIBRARY – DO NOT REMOVE”, it was removed.

Allegedly, this crime is the work of an ironic masochist.

As exam term looms over us, how will King’s students cope with the betrayal and lack of cutters?

Confused students look to YouTube in an attempt to stay straight

Chloe Hemingway, 2nd year Natsci student said: “Naturally, students are quite shaken by the incident. No ransom has been requested as of yet and King’s is currently treating the case as suspicious.

The bandit is still at large and the library has no suspects as of yet.

Outraged 2nd year medic, Olivier Sluijters said: “How could they do this? It’s exam term. You think our shaking hands can attempt to cut straight with scissors? Ludicrous”

When will this monstrosity stop? And will the guillotine ever return safely to the hands of the librarians?