How to get featured on ‘Students of Cambridge’

Are you a student? Do you go to Cambridge?

Cambridge University Students of Cambridge the tab

Sometimes, we all just need a bit of affirmation that we are students – and we go to Cambridge.

Fortunately, there’s an up-and-coming Facebook page delivering exactly that service.

What’s more, you can get onto it. Just follow these simple instructions:

Step 1: Choose your location.

The background of your picture is really important: it’s going to say everything about your personality and the message you want to get across. Here are a few suggestions:

King’s Parade:

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Yup. That’s Cambridge all right.

The iconic facade of King’s will not only show off how ‘oh so alternative’ you are, but also make it really really obvious you go to Cambridge. Be warned though, it’s pretty busy – you’re going to have to try extra hard to stand out (see below).

The Bridge of Sighs:

If you look closely you can see me reading Nietzsche

If you look closely you can see me reading Nietzsche

This one’s for the more ponderous: a shot of you gazing moodily over the muddy waters of the Cam – sighing, if you must – will re-enforce whatever “Deep Thoughts” you might have been thinking. Turtlenecks and cigarettes encouraged. Ask if they have a ‘greyscale’ setting on their camera. Try not to shout at the punters.

Sidgwick Campus

Not much better than the Seeley, I'm afraid

Built to withstand flooding. And that’s a Fact.

The high volume of arts students with burning messages to put out to the world makes this the ideal hunting ground for ‘Students of…’ photographers, although you will face some stiff competition. Also, leaning nonchalantly against shit architecture’s gunna make you look really down-to-earth.

The UL:

Two cock jokes in one article? Fuckin' Tab

Two cock jokes in one article? Fuckin’ Tab

Perfect for those who want to look learnéd and intellectual – having Cambridge’s Biggest Phallus in the background while subtly imply you have read every book within it, and are therefore a big. Ass. Deal.

Step 2: Stand out.

Chances are, you’re not going to be the alone. You want a look that shouts “I am an interesting person” for all the world to see.

Shout “I am an interesting person”:

Sod subtlety.

Carry an enormous bag:

People will assume that it is crammed full of interesting things, and that you are thus an interesting person. Be sure to let a flyer for your upcoming devised comedy piece in Pembroke Cellars/student movement in King’s bar/online dating website slip out in front of passers by.

Be ironic:

Like this man

Swag

Nobody has ever used the catchphrase “It’s better to be meta”, but they should. Invest in some hideous knitwear, take some appropriate reading material – like the biography of Margaret Thatcher, the Adventures of Spot the Dog, or a copy of Varsity – wear a silly hat, and bask in your own smug self-awareness as you lie in wait for the elusive photographer.

Be cool:

Pay people to come up and say stuff like “yo dude, loved the article! I never knew institutional sexism could be so funny” or “remember that time in Cindies? I’ve never seen anyone do that with a pigeon before!” It’ll be top bantz.

Invest in a whiteboard:

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Can’t be too careful

Do ‘Students of…’ provide them for free? I don’t know – best not to take the risk. Preparedness is an attractive quality.

Step 3: Wait.

Step 4: Have something interesting to say.

Okay, so you’ve now snared your photographer. Great, that’s the first hurdle. However, you are now in direct, fierce and unspoken competition with everyone else on ‘Students of…’, and there are some pretty big names out there. You have a choice:

Be funny:

Most people just tell funny stories, so you’d better write down every amusing experience you’ve ever had so as not to keep the cameraman waiting. Embellishment is accepted, perhaps even required.

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Just won’t stop blighting our screens

Be anti-funny:

Tell them about the panini you had for lunch. They love that shit.

Accomplish something:

Yeah, if you want to be a nerd about it.

Keep a diary of inspirational quotes on your person at all times:

Stuff like “Cambridge is what you make of it”. Aim to be a motivational poster by the end of the day.

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Verily, wiser words were ne’re spake

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Grab a stranger, pretend they’re your lover, talk about how you got together:

It could genuinely be the start of something beautiful. Or just, you know, sexual harassment.

Most importantly of

Step 5: Be a student. Go to Cambridge.

The best of luck. God speed. Also, check out ‘Students of Cambridge’. It’s bare hilare.