How to survive a supervision hungover
Don’t you love a bit of academia after a night out?
If you’re reading this article, the chances are you have a healthy dose of work-life balance.
Adhere to these well researched and thoroughly exhaustive tips to enhance the former without compromising the latter.
What to wear:
Does hiding your hangover eyes with ostentatious and inappropriate eye gear attract attention? No! Don’t be restricted by society’s oppressive code of what is socially acceptable to wear in an intensive academic environment – for the purposes of today it is a statement.
Do you take fashion seriously? Yes. Do you take academia seriously? Of course not, but sun glasses will provide you with a thin facade of fashion conscious mystery. If asked to take them off, refuse on personal/ethical grounds (either option will work and will probably shut off any likelihood of further probing.)
Last night’s clothes:
This again can be incorporated into your self-established portrayal as the eco-warrior. Did you know each clothes wash uses 50 gallons of freshwater and approximately 1tonne of CO2? No professor, I bet you didn’t, that’s why you’re sitting in front of me in freshly pressed cotton, while I’m here stagnating in last night’s jeans and leather jacket. An entirely premeditated decision.
How to behave:
Stare at notes and nod occasionally.
Tip: don’t nod too vigorously. This will exacerbate headache. Additionally, while you may think that the enthusiasm of your nod is directly proportional to how engaged you appear, in reality this is almost the exact opposite – subtle nods are the most intelligent-looking.
When the inevitable morning-after flashback arrives, disguise it as a philosophical, study-related epiphany. Upon realising that said flashback relates directly to getting with your supervision partner, hide retch with coughing fit.
Turn everything your supervisor says into something dirty.
While a classic, this strategy may come with the added side effect of inanely sniggering to yourself, but at least you’re proving that you are not a complete vegetable and are capable of showing some signs of life.
Rub your head with fingertips under the guise of stimulating thought provoking glimmers of inexplicable intelligence, while in fact soothing the extreme dehydration left in the wake of those jaeger bombs. All those jaeger bombs.
When faced with criticism about your inevitably sub-pary essay, exploit your dazed mental situation to overwrite reality with imagination.
Example: replace “this is one of the most poorly researched and childishly written essays that my eyeballs have ever had the misfortune to encounter” with an inspirational quote from any given movie – a contextually relevant and highly useful example is always the Theory of Everything. A personal favourite – the quote “brilliant Stephen, brilliant.” Replay it in your head until your supervisor’s chastising criticisms become nothing more than a distant murmur.
Worst case scenario – you fall asleep, but don’t worry as you’re wearing sunglasses so no-one will ever know. We’ve got you covered.