I sat in Indigo Café, nervously sipping my eggplant and chai latte.
In collaboration with CamCreativeCrumpets, I was about to meet the Tab Cambridge’s foremost commenters to talk to them about the art of writing a Tab comment.
Like meeting BNOC thesps, you just know they’re the sort of Cantabs who will one day go on to make a name for themselves; probably in this case for inciting violence, hacking J Law’s emails, or a top comment on a Daily Mail article.
Tab commenters – artist’s impression
They were running late, but I suppose when you’re trolling as hard as they are it must take time to crawl out of your ditch of hate. I almost missed them because they were so Anonymous. What surprised me most was how normal they looked: they were just your average privileged Joe Plumber-Worthington II. They even seemed a bit nervous, but that might be because they weren’t used to interacting face to face.
Greg Hill: “normal”
The first thing I wanted to know was how they made each comment so biting. What’s the secret to the sharpness?
Patrick awkwardly fidgeted with his bones before answering: “Well you have to pick what privilege you want to use.” I was curious and asked for more information. Turns out you can pick between being:
Etonian
Male
White
Patrick told me white could also mean bones, because he likes bones. Greg Hill asked why the gym wasn’t an option. The Sensitive Scholar commented that his favourite privilege was male privilege.
This was the perfect chance to ask them about the lack of representation of women in the comments section of the Tab.
The Sensitive Scholar mansplained it all for me: women don’t exist. They are a lie perpetuated by CUSU women’s movement. Then he sensitively told me to ‘fuck off.’
Where’s the irony here?
When critics analyse their comments, a common contention is that they are being ironic – I asked if this was the case.
Greg told me iron is an important mineral used to build Homerton gym. Patrick Bones swiftly elboned into the conversation, and asked if they could order drinks.
Too meta, probably the work of a TCS editor. 2/10
That was all the questions we had time for. But I asked each to select their favourite comment for us to analyse today. There are a lot of poorly written comments out there on the Tab but those are by directors commenting on reviews of their own plays, or written by the ex editor of TCS. These boys really are going to make a name for themselves someday – and not just the fake ones to comment under.
What we love about this piece is the jarring rhyme of ‘bother’ and ‘UKIP’, so rumbustiously done. The capitalisation of the ‘V’ in ‘Vote’ demonstrates a rare ability to use punctuation, and a clear Oedipus complex. ‘Fuck’ is a clever literary allusion to the word ‘fuck’, famous from its use in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Our only criticism is that there is a tad too much sensitive liberal mush, but it is one of his earlier, more derivative pieces.
A worthy attempt but it needs more muscle. Luckily, we have Greg Hill:
Strong iambic pentameter with a moderate grasp of spelling. Greg noted he was inspired to compose this piece after spending his gap yah building gyms in Africa to combat obesity.
When writing a Tab comment, it’s always tempting to cover up your clichés with more clichés, but these chaps really are masters at work.
Catch them before their famous below at 11pm. Tickets cannot be purchased.
Zen and the Art of Commenting on the Tab
The Tab meets: Tab commenters
CAMBRIDGE
They’re actually quite normal.
I sat in Indigo Café, nervously sipping my eggplant and chai latte.
In collaboration with CamCreativeCrumpets, I was about to meet the Tab Cambridge’s foremost commenters to talk to them about the art of writing a Tab comment.
Like meeting BNOC thesps, you just know they’re the sort of Cantabs who will one day go on to make a name for themselves; probably in this case for inciting violence, hacking J Law’s emails, or a top comment on a Daily Mail article.
Tab commenters – artist’s impression
They were running late, but I suppose when you’re trolling as hard as they are it must take time to crawl out of your ditch of hate. I almost missed them because they were so Anonymous. What surprised me most was how normal they looked: they were just your average privileged Joe Plumber-Worthington II. They even seemed a bit nervous, but that might be because they weren’t used to interacting face to face.
Greg Hill: “normal”
The first thing I wanted to know was how they made each comment so biting. What’s the secret to the sharpness?
Patrick awkwardly fidgeted with his bones before answering: “Well you have to pick what privilege you want to use.” I was curious and asked for more information. Turns out you can pick between being:
Etonian
Male
White
Patrick told me white could also mean bones, because he likes bones. Greg Hill asked why the gym wasn’t an option. The Sensitive Scholar commented that his favourite privilege was male privilege.
This was the perfect chance to ask them about the lack of representation of women in the comments section of the Tab.
The Sensitive Scholar mansplained it all for me: women don’t exist. They are a lie perpetuated by CUSU women’s movement. Then he sensitively told me to ‘fuck off.’
Where’s the irony here?
When critics analyse their comments, a common contention is that they are being ironic – I asked if this was the case.
Greg told me iron is an important mineral used to build Homerton gym. Patrick Bones swiftly elboned into the conversation, and asked if they could order drinks.
Too meta, probably the work of a TCS editor. 2/10
That was all the questions we had time for. But I asked each to select their favourite comment for us to analyse today. There are a lot of poorly written comments out there on the Tab but those are by directors commenting on reviews of their own plays, or written by the ex editor of TCS. These boys really are going to make a name for themselves someday – and not just the fake ones to comment under.
What we love about this piece is the jarring rhyme of ‘bother’ and ‘UKIP’, so rumbustiously done. The capitalisation of the ‘V’ in ‘Vote’ demonstrates a rare ability to use punctuation, and a clear Oedipus complex. ‘Fuck’ is a clever literary allusion to the word ‘fuck’, famous from its use in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Our only criticism is that there is a tad too much sensitive liberal mush, but it is one of his earlier, more derivative pieces.
A worthy attempt but it needs more muscle. Luckily, we have Greg Hill:
Strong iambic pentameter with a moderate grasp of spelling. Greg noted he was inspired to compose this piece after spending his gap yah building gyms in Africa to combat obesity.
When writing a Tab comment, it’s always tempting to cover up your clichés with more clichés, but these chaps really are masters at work.
Catch them before their famous below at 11pm. Tickets cannot be purchased.
CAMBRIDGE
Ramadan in Cambridge: A retrospective
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Finding community amidst hardships
Exams getting a bit much? 5 mental health check-ins you can do right now
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From keeping on top of revision to what to do when revision gets on top of you
The Tab sits down with the Porters Log
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‘You can make fun of union hacks without them confronting you’
Week 3 Poem of the Week: ‘These are my Identities’ by Emily Nixon
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We spoke to Emily about her excellent poem and how she finds poetry capable of conveying powerful statements
Here’s how to go vegan in Cambridge
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Small adjustments are the way to go
Review: An Open Book
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Writer Rosalind Moran brings us a truly ‘novel’ take on the hidden amorality of academics
English Faculty reconsiders exam plans for second year cohort
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The Faculty is ‘gathering feedback’ from students on future exam formats
Culture Trip Week Three: Procrastination
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Recommendations to justify my procrastination
Review: Enron
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Neve Kennedy’s stunning vision turns economics into something iconic
Best Bookshops in Cambridge
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Your tell-all guide to the best bookish hideaways of the town
Review: Hooded
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It’s time to take down the billionaires!
The 12 types of people you’ll meet clubbing in Cambridge
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Who knew so many types of people could fit into our three tiny clubs?
Opinion: Why Caius’ Pride U-turn isn’t brave
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Caius shouldn’t be congratulated for deciding our existence isn’t ‘political’
Review: The Chair
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Enlightening and heartfelt, this historical comedy-drama explores what it means to be Singaporean
Review: Footlights Smokers
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‘A night of magnetic ecstasy…?’ Possibly not, but after all humour is subjective
Culture Trip Week Two: Throwback
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A few throwback-themed, time-before-exams, good vibe recommendations.
Week 2 Poem of the Week: ‘Expecting’ by Emily Freeman
CAMBRIDGE
Our second poet of the term, Emily, discusses the kitchen space, its destruction, and the role of motherhood in her poem ‘Expecting’
Supervisors win pay for mandatory departmental training
CAMBRIDGE
The change has been described as a ‘first win’ against Cambridge’s ‘internal gig-economy’
Ibz Mo’s top tip for exam szn at Cambridge
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‘Work for the best, but prepare for the worst’
Preview: Hooded
CAMBRIDGE
A play for the internet generation
Durham Uni’s planned marking boycott ends following UCU vote
UK
The marking and assessment boycott was due to start on Monday
These are officially the UK’s youngest celebrity millionaires right now
UK
Rich, talented and successful? Will never be me
All Stars 7 is Drag Race perfection, with a cast of winners proving exactly why they got a crown
UK
With no eliminations and not a weak queen in the batch, this is truly a celebration of drag
Inside the mega expensive houses of the cast of Bling Empire on Netflix
UK
Kane has a huge painting of his own face, and I think that’s all I need to say
Discrimination by the University of Bristol led to the suicide of a vulnerable student
UK
The University of Bristol has been ordered to pay £50k in damages
Used pads and deodorant stains: Here are 26 more hellish Depop Dramas
UK
Too many people accidentally selling worn pants for my liking
No one’s going home, so here are the new Drag Race rules for All Stars 7 fully explained
UK
Legendary Legend Stars want what RuPeter Badges has
All the deeper meanings behind Harry’s House according to Harry Styles and his fans
UK
I haven’t stopped crying over the deeper meaning behind Matilda
Investigation into claims of antisemitism at the NUS starts on Monday
UK
This comes after the government cut ties with the union over these allegations
‘Found frog in burger’: Just 30 of the worst Takeaway Traumas so far
UK
Only homemade salads and tap water for me now thanks
23 reactions to Harry Styles’ new album to help you emotionally recover from Harry’s House
UK
I love this album more than I love myself
Explained: What exactly is the lawsuit against Kane’s family in Bling Empire?
UK
He brushes off the case in a chat with Anna, but it turns out it’s worth tens of millions
All Stars 7 has revealed who the secret queen under the hat is and it’s a Drag Race ICON
UK
My jaw is on the ground
This is what the niche Harry Potter cast members are up to now
UK
Of course Viktor Krum had a glow up 🔥
Russell Group uni is ‘considering using external staff’ for marking during staff boycott
UK
The uni’s UCU claims staff at an Australian consultancy may be used to grade student essays
A Duolingo employee has apologised for joking about Amber Heard on her work’s TikTok
UK
‘I made a mistake… I’m listening’
Everything Everywhere All at Once is one of the best films ever made – watch it immediately
UK
I want to live in a world where Jamie Lee Curtis has hotdogs for fingers
Even without student loans, graduates face twice as much debt as those who didn’t go to uni
UK
Starting to regret my life choices
A Depop seller has refused to send someone an item because they’re ginger
UK
They said it was ‘company policy’ because ginger people have ‘demonic energy’
Derry Girls has come to an end but these 54 memes and our love for it are eternal
UK
Derry Girls will never die x
Here are 21 of the *best* reactions to the Wagatha Christie trial
UK
Happy Wayne Rooney court drawing day, to those who celebrate