2015 is going to be the best year ever: highlights

LUKE HEPENSTALL-WEST tells us how 2015 is quite literally going to blow your mind

| UPDATED 2015 boat race Cambridge Kings College Chapel

2014 had its moments.

Girton declared independence, Cambridge arses were seen as far away as Japan and Tim Squirrel became Britain’s most righteously unpopular man. We’re still waiting for the epic Kung Fu showdown between Greg Hill and Will Thong for supremacy of the Tab comments, but I’m sure it’s on its way. 

All in all, it was a pretty good sequel to 2013. However, all the signs suggest that 2015 is going to be the most exciting instalment in the Gregorian franchise since 1749, the episode where Isaac Newton didn’t build the Mathematical Bridge. Here’s why:

Connected to the Real World at last

Roadworks on A14 Girton Junction will be completed:

Supplies will finally be able to reach this far-flung outpost of our beloved University, so remote that they have been surviving on the same joke for several decades and the students have had to resort to drinking their own swimming pool. This will pave the way for cultural exchanges, as Girtonians can discover how brilliant Cambridge is and Cantabs can discover how far away Girton is.

There’s Going to Be a General Election:

This isn’t big news in itself, it’s not going to make that much difference (that’s called satire, folks), but it will have revolutionary repercussions on us students. For one, Hermes webmail will crash because of all the spam from the Political Societies you were coerced into joining at the freshers fair. Our infuriating politicos will become more infuriating and wander around the streets in packs, making it dangerous to go out alone. The Labour Society will get more and more vitriolic in its attacks upon innocent Tab journalists. The Green Party will remain irrelevant.

King’s Students Celebrate 500 Years of Having Tiny Willies:

Yeah, their big fuck-off chapel is going to be 500 years old. Way hay. The tourists are going to be insatiable. In other news, Wolfson is going to be 50: much less impressive, but coincidentally the average age of its students.

If you wanted High-brow, go to Varsity

They’re Building a Cycle Park near the Railway Station:

It’s so cruel to keep those cycles locked up all the time, only to be used when we need them! Finally, it seems that Cambridge is moving away from its barbaric past toward a brighter future. Finally our bikes can run free as nature intended, laughing and spinning giddily in the summer sun. Finally man and bike and woman can live together in peace. Wait. What?

Save Them!

Construction of Papworth Hospital on Biomedical Campus Begins:

Some jive about medics. Altruistic bastards. Embarrassing us Arts students with your usefulness to society. I hope it’s shit.

Rich White Male Privilege is 200 Years Old:

The CUS Debating Chamber is going to celebrate its bicentenary with, you guessed it, a debate. Speakers are not confirmed, but they’re probably going to be exciting (that’s called Good Journalism, that is). There’s probably going to be a Ball or something too. (Sachin?)

This House Believes that Plebs CAN be of use to society

Cambridge and Oxford Boat Race:

They’ve had this brilliant new idea: you know how rowing is big in both Cambridge and Oxford? And how they’re both in competition for paramountcy? Why not stick a bunch of the poshos on a river and make them race? It’s going to be massive. It’s going to be intense. It’s going to be on April 11th. I for one am really excited about this innovative development, although I doubt it will catch on what with it being such a blatant rip-off of the famous Goat race.

What we imagine it will look like

All in all, there are loads of exciting things happening in 2015, and you can read about all of them on the Tab! Cool huh? You should probably check it several times every day so you don’t miss any.

My thanks to Cambridge News for original journalism. But more thanks to myself for blatantly ripping them off.