Tab Guide to Doing Sex

Having trouble with copulating this Freshers’ Week? TED HILL is here to sort you out

Guide satire Sex Tab ted hill

In the past you would woo someone by passing a note in Olde English to her evil stepfather, and in the future courting will be initiated by rubbing your vagina onto his space helmet.

However, it is undeniably the 21st century, meaning you should be pulling in 21st century ways.

Small talk

This is ideal for getting their attention. Be sure to show them you are smart by talking about big topics like religion or politics:

Jenny:             Hi

Steve:              Drones are a necessarily evil

Jenny:             Do me

Drones are topical

This is especially true if you have strong or controversial opinions on anything:

Steve:              Hey

Jenny:             I like to fox hunt, naked

Steve:              Do me

If you find that your small talk comes across as awkward, which it will, then consider using modern technology, such as strong adhesive glue. Cover yourself in strong adhesive glue, then, as soon as you touch them, you’ll have hours and hours of delicious small talk while you wait for the shops to open next morning.

Steve:              (Something awkward)

Jenny:             That was awkward…

Steve:              Well that’s irrelevant, because we’re stuck together!

Jenny:             I love a prankster.  Do me.

Small talk doesn’t have to be a chore


Heaven forbid your prospective mate actually finds out about your true personality. I recommend covering up your soul blemishes through good ol’ fashioned lies. There are a range of personalities I would recommend adopting. Here is a selection:

The protector:

Steve:              Hi

Jenny:             Hi

Steve:              If you give me your phone number, I’ll buy a gun.

The genius: 

Jenny:             Hi

Steve:              I got 14 A*s at GCSE

Jenny:             How interesting – do me.

The cultured individual:

Steve:              Hola. I’ve been to Africa. La piscine.

Jenny:             Do me dans la piscine

The rich person:

Steve:              Hi

Jenny:             I’ve got gold in my clitoris

Steve:              Do me.

La piscine. Sexy

Sex tips: FAQ

Should I wait 3 days before calling them?

Absolutely not, there’s no need to seem aloof any more. If I were you I’d start phoning them about ¾ of the way through the sexual encournter, to let him know you’re serious.

Should I be ashamed of my genitals?


Should I keep it secret?

Definitely not. The first people you should tell are your porters; they are your first port of call in college. They will spread the word and your social standing in college will increase.

How can I spice things up?

Role-play. For example, if you are male you could place a mask over your crotch, so that your penis becomes the nose. Refer to it as pinnochio and insist that you can only be turned on by lies.

Should I practice safe sex?

Absolutely. You should be ultra-safe. If you’re a man, wear a condom at ALL times. No excuses, whether you’re at a police station, riding a bike or at a catholic funeral, there’s no exceptions. If you’re female, you can do the same by strategically placing one inside you. This is much cheaper and more ethical than a femidom, and will leave you safe all the time (including when someone puts on some ‘Lynx Vice’ near you).

How do I make myself seem attractive during sex?

I would recommend crying softly while murmuring the word ‘mum’. Everyone loves someone who’s who’s close to their mother.