Five films to get you pumped for Caesarian Sunday
TIM O’BRIEN runs through five films that will turn you into a cold-blooded killing machine just in time for Caesarian Sunday.
If you read the Daily Mail, you’ll know many fascinating things.
For example, you’ll know of course that the murder of five women is no big deal as long they are prostitutes. You’ll know too that (no matter what everyone involved insists) a kid once got stuck up a tree and was left up there because of Health and Safety regulations.
You might also know that some of you Cambridge students, this country’s so-called ‘future leaders’, will be spending this coming Sunday on so-called ‘Jesus Green’ becoming a bunch of booze-fuelled naked psychopaths for one afternoon only, terrorising any poor bystander who dares venture within whipped-cream-spraying distance of you and your disgusting orgy of sex and senseless violence. Not only will you be letting down Queen and Country, but you will be putting students at other Universities (who are actually all well-behaved) to shame.
Out-of-control degenerate reprobates, the lot of you.
And it’s definitely all true. You know, it’s not like last year there were no arrests and no complaints from members of the public. It’s not like what the Daily Mail called ‘shocked families on Jesus Green’ were quoted on Cam FM as saying ‘everyone’s having a good time’, ‘it’s making us feel uplifted’, and ‘it’s pretty peaceful’. It’s not like the reporter who covered it was caught by Tab TV admitting that ‘nothing happened’. And it’s not like he himself was once a member of the Bullingdon Club in its restaurant-smashing days alongside George Osborne.
Now I’m no logician… but none of this was printed in the national tabloids’ coverage, therefore it must be false. Caesarian Sunday will therefore be a ferocious dog-eat-dog environment, and if you’re not in peak psychological condition for what systematically descends into a full-scale riot every year, then frankly it’s going to swallow you whole. So set aside Saturday night and whack on one of these in the background whilst sharpening your tridents to be suitably amped, pumped and in the zone for Sunday’s picnic of destruction.
Hooliganism – Green Street Hooligans
To be honest, it is quite hard to find a British hooligan film that depicts a similar level of mindless violence and needless bloodshed to Caesarian Sunday (or one that’s any good). Having said that, Green Street Hooligans should probably take the crown, not least because there’s something almost fresher-like in Elijah Wood’s innocence. If you can understand what is being said through the appalling accents, there are definitely some tips to be found about being a disruptive and violent young ruffian.
Fighting – Fight Club
“Welcome to Caesarian Sunday. The first rule of Caesarian Sunday is: you do not talk about Caesarian Sunday to the reporter in the bushes. The second rule: no shirts, no shoes. Third rule: if this is your first time at Caesarian Sunday, you have to fight.”
The parallels between Fight Club and Caesarian Sunday are uncanny. Watch it for practical advice on how to make sure you come out on top in one of the countless fights you will no doubt be dragged into. The second half of the film also offers some great tips on causing civil mayhem. ‘Future leaders’ planning on ruining their careers tomorrow, take heed.
Exhibitionism – Spring Breakers
Whilst true that Caesarian Sunday makes Spring Break look like a five year old’s birthday party at Parkside Pools, there’s no harm in lifting some inspiration for your exhibitionism and wanton destruction from this delightful little film. Even better, study James Franco’s character for a great lesson in walking and talking like you went to St Paul’s.
More fighting – Gladiator
The other day I got about five minutes into a fly-on-the-wall documentary about Caesarian Sunday, before realizing that it was no documentary at all, but in fact this scene from Ridley Scott’s masterpiece Gladiator:
Consult this truly excellent film for useful tips about effective weaponry, rising through the ranks of a drinking society with violence, and just generally sticking it to The Man. Top tip: imagine the police presence is Joaquin Phoenix.
Micellaneous debauchery – Wolf of Wall Street
Wolf of Wall Street speaks for itself here. And, you know, the fact that all Cambridge students are wealthy and posh makes it even more suitable. Just look at the background of the DVD cover, for God’s sake. Are we sure Scorsese didn’t just lift that image directly from the Daily Mail?
Hopefully careful study of these films will prepare you for tomorrow’s mayhem. Good luck out there. I sadly won’t be attending, as vicious drug-fuelled booze-ridden publicly-nude anti-monarchy murderous ban-this-sick-filth violent leftie rampages of youthful sex and gratuitous violence and terrorizing innocent kids and stealing our pensions and killing puppies and being in the EU and hurting the feelings of that poor little Daily Mail photographer innocently lying in the bushes photographing your every move isn’t really my cup of tea.
But my advice to those going? Just don’t forget – from start to finish, it might look like a peaceful picnic, it might seem like a bit of innocent fun, and it might, to the untrained eye, appear… dare I say it… inclusive and friendly. But you should all be afraid. And prepared.
Or just have a harmless picnic, as usual. Up to you.
Just don’t piss in the bushes.