Procaffeination

CHARLIE DOWELL reviews caffeinated beverages in the wake of exam prohibition.

bums cocaine coffee columbia earl grey Europe holly willoughby martin clunes nescafe nespresso Nick Clegg pornhub tea

The Easter bunny has fled, leaving the looming shadow of the exam invigilator scowling over your appalling work ethic. You’re on a no-booze diet with a few healthy dollops of revision. “What beverage will The Tab review?” I hear you cry. Well we tried to keep it relevant, and review a selection of caffeinated drinks so you don’t have to.

Stove Top Espresso

For the European type, and the pretentious ones who holiday in some obscure place in the Dordogne. It gives a classy touch to your morning routine, before you slog it out hard in the library.

Taste: Strong nutty and bitter. I used Columbian thinking there’d be trace concentrations of cocaine. I don’t think there were any, but I had a really intense conversation with someone about paperclips.

Rating: 65% – mid II.i

Celebrity Comparison: Arnold Schwarzenegger – strong, European and doesn’t dick around.

You can see the pretension oozing out

You can see the pretension oozing out

Nespresso Instant

For the lazy, instant is good, and to be honest who cares what coffee tastes like when all you want is your heart rate at 100 bpm and your pen to be shaking over your notes about feminism in 1990s Lithuania.

Taste: Weak with a hint of Marzipan. It was a bit like a shit Christmas cake, which someone then spilt coffee on.

Rating: 51% – scraped a third

Celebrity comparison: Nick Clegg – weak and was a quick fix for your problems at the time.

Nescafe Vanilla Late 

A sweet alternative to those who actually hate coffee. It sits nicely on your desk, halfway between your jumbo pack of mini eggs and a chocolate stained essay. I’m not being sexist, but this is one for the girls.

Taste: Sweet and frothy. Apparently froths by itself, a bit like when I trod on Granny’s oxygen pipeline. Sorry.

Rating: 70% – hitting the big time

Celebrity Comparison: Holly Willoughby – sweet, cheap and girly.

Mornings are the best time to have fun

Mornings are the best time to have fun

Nespresso Fortissimo Lunge

If Mummy bought you one of the machines for Christmas, she wishes your Dad was George Clooney (and you thought her constant suggestion of Oceans Eleven on boxing day was a fluke).

Taste: A relaxed morning coffee. Probably a bit like how your Mum imagines the first day of her honeymoon with George to be.

Rating: 85% – tripos topper

Celebrity Comparison: the Babe section of pornhub – consistently good.

Almost as good as that film your Mum caught you watching

Almost as good as that film your Mum caught you watching

Twining’s English Breakfast

If tea could have a ready salted this would be it. Not quite walkers though, perhaps something fancier like Tyrrells. Anyway, a brew for the man who says, yes, yes I will wear those beige slacks today!

Taste: Tea

Rating: 60% – low II.i

Celebrity Comparison: Martin Clunes – a bit old and a bit boring.

Caffeine is a great drug, not because it makes you stay awake or concentrate better but because you can take it in so many ways. Perhaps if crack cocaine came in Earl Grey flavour the world would be a better place. Who knows?

All I know is all these were good, and mixing and matching your method of intake is a great means of procrastination: procafeination.