RON’s CUSU manifesto

RON exclusively shares his election manifesto with us

aggressive Blues cash charlie dowell colleges CUSU fake firsts hermione johnity johns joke pitt club ron silly Trinity

Hello. My name is Ron. Ron. RRRROOOOONNNN. Yeah say it to yourself. Sounds good doesn’t it, like Hermione’s orgasm. “Oh RON, YEAHHHHH!!”

Now I have stood at every CUSU and every JCR election in every college so far, but barely ever win. This is going to stop. Just read my manifesto and I’ll convince you to vote me CUSU Pres.

1. Abolish CUSU

As acting CUSU president I’ll abolish CUSU. Let’s face it we all hate it. It is about as relevant to us as the menopause is to the plot of a Rug Rats episode. In its place I’ll have my own establishment: Cambridge University Student Union for Students United in Synergic Unionism (CUSUSUSU). The new establishment will represent my your views on real student matters. I will commandeer King’s Chapel in coup and set up CUSUSUSU head quarters. A handy statue of me outside will be a friendly reminder of my dictatorship united leadership and of HQ’s location.

Current CUSU? Ew!

Current CUSU? Ew!

2. Cash for firsts

Since I don’t  do believe in equality, I strongly believe everyone has the right to a first. For five thousand pounds you can get a first class degree with honours, plus a golden hand shake from my statue (I forgot to say the statue will be made of solid gold and naked, with a large phallus which has an image of my face on the tip, like a kind of person Inception. Incepenis). This can be paid by cash transfer to CUSUSUSU’s Swiss bank account or in 2500 blue VKs, other colours will not be accepted.

3. Force Johns and Trinity to merge

Their bickering has grown dull and they’re next door to each other anyway. We might as well turn them into one giant rich dicks’ college that everyone else can hate. Call it Johnity College.

Ah, Johnity's Great Court. Reputed to be the largest enclosed court in Christendom

Ah, Johnity’s Great Court. Reputed to be the largest enclosed court in Christendom

4. Build a decent nightclub

Enough said.

5. Abolish the blue

Blue is a bit trad. Come on we can do better. I envisage a troop of supreme athletes at my our disposal to form our own militia, dressed all in black sporting an armband with a picture of my face on it. No longer will Cambridge be slighted by the other place. If they have beef, we have guns. We’ll give them an Ultimatum: unconditional Varsity victories or death. Either way we win and humiliate them into ceding their property to us, finally finding a proper home for Girton.

6. Turn the Pitt Club into a homeless shelter

After all I am a really nice guy. Nothing would please me more than seeing that man who plays the recorder outside Sainsbury’s next to cartoons from Punch or possibly urinating into the spiced olive oil in Pizza Express. And the Pitt Club are twats (it is irrelevant whether or not they may have failed to make me a member in 2003).

Future home for the homeless

So vote for me. I have the best ideas. I am the most attractive candidate. I represent your views. I will be your Mother and your Father, your Women’s Officer and an ambassador for Men. I will be your Ron, if you be my subjects happy and willing voters.

Peace out. Love each other. Don’t be brainwashed. Don’t be brainwashed. Vote for me.