Tab Tries: Being Stoned On A Swap

MARIA-JUANA MONTEZ tries to elevate her swapping experience by going on a swap stoned.

chinese drinking society Drunk food pervert Peterhouse stoned Swap weed

Hola a todos, me llamo Maria-Juana and I am estudiante de Petercasa College for this year. I am de Uruguay and in my country smoking la marijuana no es ilegal. Last week I decided to try going on a swap stoned.  I decided this porque normalmente the food is not very nice and the jokes that los chicos make are not very funny. La marijuana might change this, or so I thought… MENTIRA (lies).

I walked into the room where las chicas were doing something they call ‘pre-drinking’.  I do not understand this expression porque they always seem to me to be ‘drinking’ and not doing any sort of actividad de preparación. They all look at me as if I am an alien; soy uruguaya not alien, I think to myself.  At least, I am sure I had thought this, but all the girls start reassuring me and saying that they know I am from Uruguay and that I look very pretty and not at all like an alien.  It was very funny that I could not control what words were in my cabeza and what words came out of my mouth.  I start laughing, I continue laughing, the girls eyes fill with worry, I cannot stop laughing.

They hurry me into a taxi where I start to dream about the delicious food that might be at el restaurante.  I imagine swimming through plates of noodles and endless supplies of soy sauce, I imagine prawn crackers.  Lots of prawn crackers.  Entramos the dark room where the small shady room is coloured by azul low-lighting, it is muy azul; maybe it is demasiado azul?  The chicos are polite and offer me the plate of spring rolls before taking any for themselves.  Such spring rolls, much merriment.  The table is very blue, but the food has never tasted tan bueno. ¡¿ I cannot believe I have never thought of coming on a swap stoned before?!  However, quizás I had been rejoicing too soon…  I had forgotten about Maria-Juana’s arch enemigo: el alcohol.  The conversación began to deteriorate muy rápido and the polite chicos began to shout in my ears while the pretty chicas became shriller and more excited.  I feel muy scared, almost claustrofóbica.  The cacofonía of chanting increases in volume as I look around at faces contorted con la mentalidad of a mob.

“Pervert. Pervert. Pervert. Pervert.”

This takes place as Maria-Juana eats all noodles in sight.

This takes place as Maria-Juana eats a plate of noodles in the corner

Everyone is clapping their hands and chanting.  I look at las chicas to try and understand what is happening but someone is stood on a chair trying to drink a whole botella de vino as fast as they can.  The door opens and I see two mischievous eyes flash in and out as a bottle of handwash and a plate of noodles (muy deliciosos) comes flying through the air towards me.  The world starts to slow down.

“Perveeeerrrrrrttttttttt. Peeeeeeeerrrrrrrvvveeeeeeeerrrrrt”

Aggression is leaking from people’s red faces.  The noodles look like long yellow worms that can swim through air, swimming towards me and crawling into my hair.  The table looks very blue. WHY IS IT SO BLUE? There is a líquido that is very sticky and green all over the blue.  Demasiados colores.  Suddenly, mi amiga looks at me fearfully.  “Maria, are you okay?”

Just having SUCH a great time

Just having SUCH a great time

I wish we could all just get along.

Another amiga looks at me: “María, you look pale, are you okay?”

I would really like a creme egg.


¿I wonder if world peace es posible?


They all look at me and the room gets bigger and bigger. I am stuck in the corner looking at los ojos full of concern.  I stand up.  Wipe the noodles out of my hair.  Despair for the macrocosm of infantilism I see around me and, mientras I wrap up 3 more spring rolls for the walk to colegio, I say adios to everyone, and drift off home.  I do not recommend to you mis amigos that you repeat this experiment.  Not at all.