An Illustrated Guide to Cambridge Chat-Up Lines

TIM SQUIRRELL depicts where you’ve been going wrong all those years.

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Spotted an attractive fellow from afar but can’t hold conversation outside your subject? Struggle with pleasantries and a huge feeling of insecurity? Feel that David Hume could nail a one liner better than you? Stop fretting and start sweating: here’s our helpful guide to chat-up lines for some guaranteed academic lovin’.

One for the philosophers out there

Some biological loving

Make a Mathmo melt

One for the thesps

Physical in the best way

Jokes about the war guarantee conversation

And if you like vulgar illustrations

Don’t forget, code is the next best thing after sex

This helpful guide is the Tina Fey of pick up lines: intelligent, sexy, and a hit with teenage girls everywhere. Print it out, memorise it and post it to your ex to show how you’ve matured since the split. The 14th looks to be fruitful indeed.