The Ultimate Bike Theft Protection Guide

A new report has come out claiming that bike theft is on the rise in Cambridge. A mouthwankingly alarming number of bikes are being stolen, and as everyone knows every single Cambridge student has lost at least one two-wheeled friend to the merciless thieves that infest the city.

The bike thief strikes, swift and untraceable.

Apart from monkeys and the Crimean war, nothing gets me going like a secure bike, so if you follow my advice, not only will you keep your bike safe, you can also enjoy knowing that you may have caused a stranger to become aroused.  Here are my top tips:

1) Don’t leave your bike near a woman with a snake.  If the bible has taught me anything, that demographic isn’t to be trusted.

2) Buy a very expensive bike so criminals know you’re not to be messed with. People with expensive bikes can often afford lawyers; they’ll know you’re untouchable.  You should also dress your bike in a suit and encourage it to take an interest in the stock market.

3) Or, make your bike so terrible that nobody would ever want to steal it.  I would recommend scratching racist language onto the frame.  Criminals hate racism, they won’t be able to use or sell your bike.  Job done.  If some lefty starts bothering you about ‘hate crimes’, hit or kick them, preferably in an area of soft tissue.  They probably deserved it, as most people that do that sort of thing are secretly racist themselves.  I know I am. (reminder: delete that sentence before submitting).  And if someone does steal your racist-mobile, at least you’ll have the moral high ground, and that’s better than a bike anyway.

Far better at getting you to lectures on time

4) If you don’t have a bike lock, buy a bike lock.  Though most of us use ours for asphyxiation and baiting endangered animals, they can also be used to lock bikes to things, such as bike racks, lampposts or the homeless.  If you can’t afford a bike lock, because that Nigerian Prince still hasn’t got back to you, or becuase your family members are lazy and irresponsible, you can make your own bike lock.

I would recommend making one from the strongest material of them all – friendship. Find an animal or human that you consider to be your friend.  Lure them to your bicycle.  If it’s an animal, a long chain of pieces of food will suffice, because animals are generally quite stupid.  If it’s a human, blackmail is a reliable option.  Then, construct a bike lock using their skin and organs.  Your friend will initially be sceptical, but if they can’t be convinced to help you in your hour of need then they probably aren’t a true friend anyway, and I just saved you a lot of wasted time and birthday presents.

Best friend — or prime bike lock material?

Bike locks can also be bought from amazon, but they’re always shit.

5) Don’t ever let a stranger borrow your bike, unless they seem trustworthy or offer you sweets in return.

6) Don’t ever use a bike that you found in the bush, it’d only be worth half as much as the one in your hand. Similarly, if you see two bikes near each other, try to kill them both using only one stone.  This would raise the value of your bike.

7) Use an easily recognizable bike, so that if it is stolen, you will notice it and can heroically reclaim it.  For this purpose, I would recommend a unicycle, a Penny Farthing or a horse.

8) Cut the brake cables every time you get off your bike.  This will most likely lead to the death of the criminal, and justice will have run its course.  You might think that a vigilante based death penalty for someone stealing a bike is harsh, they might have a family to support.  Yeah, well so did my bike.