Announcing this term’s columnists!

Here we are once again, the start of a brand new year and The Tab has brought together the the four columnists you’ll love, hate, laugh with, and at, for the next 8 weeks.

Alex Jackman

Alex applied for a column less out of choice and more because two years of Tab commenting at the expense of a social life and degree have left this as his only option. His hobbies include moaning, time-wasting and self-doubt. His catchphrase is “sorry”. The fictional character he most identifies with is Eeyore. Welcome to the Alex Jackman Experience. Sorry, that wasn’t funny. Sorry.

LAUGH! at this column because it’s hilarious. Please?

WEEP! with your columnist as he has another existential crisis in Cindies.

EXPRESS SCORN IN THE COMMENTS! oh god because you will, you all will.

ACTION, COMEDY, ROMANCE! You will find these things elsewhere.

You can read Alex’s first column later today.

Tim O’Brien

Tim is a 23 year old Philosophy student and the station manager at Cam FM. Thanks to what was probably, in retrospect, an administrative error at Wolfson College, Tim was told he had to take two years out before he started at Cambridge. He filled this time pursuing worthwhile causes that furthered both his and others lives, such as DJing in ski resorts, cold-calling Australians, and just generally #YOLOing #hard.

Tim has decided to write a column because he’s bored of hearing people call nights out ‘frivolities’, he doesn’t want to read about anyone’s relationship problems, and he’s sick of nineteen year olds moaning about getting old. On top of that, he is a philosophy student, has a beard, and is relatively old. This makes him – stereotypically-speaking – wise, and – scientifically-speaking – more likely to be found attractive by adventurous women.

Make of that what you will.

You can read Tim’s first column Monday.

Rachel Tookey

 After a childhood trying to live up to the nickname ‘the Tookster’, Rachel’s self-esteem became dependent on the number of likes she could get on her Facebook status. Due to a recent cull of primary school classmates however, she’s realised she no longer has enough friends to support her ego this way. Finding more friends seemed like too much effort – and probably involved “extracurriculars” – so she decided to become a columnist and tell you about her life instead.

Unfortunately, other than what she had for lunch, there’s not really that much more about her life to tell. But as the numerous people who liked her last status can tell you (if she hadn’t unfriended all 5 of them), she can still share with you lots of other generic information. This includes her opinion on bridges and philosophy lite (just not feminism lite, because weight shouldn’t be an issue).

Rachel’s first column is out Tuesday

Francesca Ebel

This year, Francesca has found herself in a number of awkward situations. For three months, she lived illicitly in someone’s garden shed and accidentally created her own escort business; she’s been chased by hippos and come face to face with a very angry bull elephant; she’s even challenged Russians to a vodka duel and has been whipped with birch twigs, half naked, in -28C. She hopes that these trials will have left her adequately prepared and hardened for her first year at Cambridge.

You can read Francesca every Wednesday.

Front page photo by Pankaj Arora