I Need LAD Culture Because…
Your favourite gentleman JOHNNIE WYVERN has something to say before this weekend’s Caesarian Sunday.
…I am a nerd. My social skills are so basic that I have been forced to embed myself in the hierarchically structured system of Cambridge Drinking Societies. You won’t catch me just ‘dating’, or ‘making friends’ like normal people. I abhor the values of spontaneity and impromptu fun that have been squirted so intimidatingly through popular culture. When I want to meet other people, I organise a meeting place for a herd of each sex, don my ceremonial garb, and then get pissed to the very point of flaccidity before arriving. I’m not a menace. I’m just a nerd. Just like you.
As the fictitious reflection of one of Cambridge’s foulest drinking societies, I felt compelled to speak out when I saw the existence of Caesarian Sunday under threat. The argument that “this is nothing compared to what they do at insert horrid university here” is often touted by indignant undergraduates, but is kind of irrelevant. In the eyes of the press, Cambridge students are superior to other students. Caesarian Sunday is a news story because it is an example of us not behaving in a superior fashion. Or so one might think…
To my mind, Caesarian Sunday is an exposition of the efficiency and competence of the Cambridge student to rival even the most acne’d and bespectacled of science fairs. Our stiff-shafted big-dicked ancestors constructed a system whereby we are able to squeeze every last drop of fun from a particularly anti-social community at a particularly busy time of year. That we are able to create such mayhem out of a little cluster of nerds who’d rather be revising for their exams and finishing off their science projects is literally incredible. It’s beautiful! The university ought to fucking applaud us!
But they don’t. The extensive and repetitive press coverage is terrible for donations. So they really don’t.
In order to protect the sanctity of Caesarian Sunday, I want to make a dual appeal before the big day. Firstly to the Press, and to the contributors of www.geoffrobinson.co.uk who have been the source of all the images published in the last few years: Leave us alone! We’re trying to have fun. Fair enough it’s hardly normal, but it’s not very malicious. We’ll try not to wee in the bushes and we’ll make sure to pick up our litter.
Secondly, to the students of Cambridge: Don’t run and hide! Caesarian Sunday, like its grown up brother, Suicide Sunday, is a unique part of our institution to be celebrated! Just maybe this time do your vomiting out of sight, and if you want to get knuckle deep, do it in the Maypole toilets.
Watch out for the photographers, kids…they usually hide in the skate park.