How To: Blind Date

The deadline for your RAG blind date forms is tomorrow. Follow ROSIE HORE’s advice to get the most out of your Valentine’s experience.

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The deadline for RAG blind date forms is tomorrow. Get on it, lovebirds.

It’s that time of year again. On the 12th February, RAG blind date descends on Cambridge, flooding the city with overpriced cocktails and underused hormones. Those of you who are in relationships will remember how much you hated dating anyway, and will return to your room by 10pm for a smug spooning session. Those of us who are single will do exactly the same – but with a wine bottle instead.

No one finds dating easy, and the art of the blind date is even more elusive. Ever at your side, here is The Tab’s exclusive guide to avoiding heartbreak this year. Cut out and keep for the 12th.

Don’t take the form too seriously

If one assumed that everyone told the truth on blind date forms, one would find a student population obsessed with obscure fetishes, boobs and cranking. So don’t worry if your date’s form looks like the work of Frankie Boyle, his favourite TV programme isn’t actually Lick Me Out (no likey, no lighty!) or Learn to Muff-Dive with Tom Daley. Similarly, keep it light on your form, or even entrust a friend with filling it out – explaining yourself will be a great icebreaker.

Bribe

Even Cupid’s arrows need a little guidance. For a few extra pounds you can secure yourself a blue, a boatie or a BNOC. Bribing for someone specific is probably a little too desperate. Last year someone bribed for her actual boyfriend without telling him, which I’m sure went down a treat. After taking my chances last year, this year I’ll be bribing for the daddy-issue trinity of old, tall and rugged. I’m not spending my evening babysitting a fresher.

Choose your location carefully

The perfect blind date location is first and foremost not too brightly lit. Similarly, the absence of alcohol will do you and your date no favours. A bar is probably preferable to a restaurant. It’s much easier to down your drink than your spaghetti carbonara if things start to go downhill. Which brings us to…

The Escape

It’s an hour in and you’re struggling. Before you get too worked up about extracting yourself from the situation, remember that your date is almost definitely working out her escape route, too. Faking an urgent phone call is far too easy. In the name of charity, I will personally donate £5 to RAG for anyone who re-enacts the orgasm scene from When Harry Met Sally in the middle of the Maypole, before storming out of the room without so much as a goodbye.

The Deal-Seal

Or you’ve got lucky and some heavy petting is on the menu. This scenario is, let’s face it, so unlikely that I’m willing to cancel all bets. You might as well abandon all semblance of normality and engage in some bonking so weird it would be a bit far even for #susanalbumparty. And if you do, by some chance, fall in love with said individual, ‘when daddy spanked mummy with his economic textbook’ will at least be a story for the kids.

You have ‘til tomorrow to buy a form, fill it out and give it to your RAG rep. If nothing else, you’ll have a story to tell. And besides, for some of us this is the last ‘charity’ blind date we’ll be able to participate in before we’re the charity-case ourselves…