In the midst of exam term, TOM RASMUSSEN finds himself in not one, but two relationships.
I’m currently sitting along in my room, after my first alcoholic drink in about a month. Admittedly the computer screen is dipping in and out of focus, and I’m using the back-space button more than usual due to the effects of the yummy libation I’ve just imbibed. Yes, it’s been a while since I last wrote a column, but there’s loads of goss to tell…
I’m in a relationship! Who says love has to die in exam term? He’s amazing: supportive, always ready with a warm embrace, and the silences are never awkward. He’s about six foot tall, three feet wide, and very bouncy. He’s always well dressed (in white Egyptian cotton), and many of my friends have sat on him too – sometimes several at once. His name is Bed – what a doll!
Even more excitingly, there’s another man vying for my attention. He’s big, quiet, filled with knowledge, and he really makes me think. He speaks to me in ways that Bed doesn’t, and I know he is really good for me. But, you see, I’m torn, because I know Library is right for me but Bed is the one I always go to at the end of the day.
So, I’ve decided: the best course of action to take is to end it with them both. It’s the only fair way. Just typing it makes my heart bleed, and Bed is nearby so I hope he doesn’t read this. In a typically selfish move, I’m going to wait until exams have ended to do the dirty deed. I mean, I need to focus on exams before relationships, right?
Of course I’ll let them down gently, tell them it’s me and not them, and promise to stay friends (yeah right – Library’s way too clingy). But the truth is, my heart already belongs to another. Having just returned from Prinks in Q8, where I consumed my first taste of alcoholic nectar, my feelings have been confirmed.
This guy is a real goer. He’s given me some of the best nights of my life. Seeing him there, flirting with everyone, just brought back vivid memories of those loud, sweaty nights, filled with rhythmic body movement, that we spent together. I have chills down my spine just thinking about him, and the butterflies are madly fluttering around my stomach. That’s right – Social Life is back in town, and next week we are to be reunited.
So maybe I’m not being entirely serious. Maybe there aren’t really three men in my life. But, in all seriousness, this term has been a real trial for lots of us. It has brought about buckets of tears, sleep deprivation, work-induced madness, prolonged periods of not washing, and the horrific sick feeling that comes with the thought of “that one really shit paper.”
It has caused arguments between friends, put strain on relationships, prompted many 4am coffee calls, and been directly responsible for immense weight gain. God damn the buttery and its ample supply of deep-fat-fried carbohydrates (never good – but ALWAYS the right choice).
But, the end is in sight! Social Life is back in my life, and I couldn’t be happier. And so, this column is dedicated to all of us who still have exams left to sit, but also to those who worked damn hard and have finished. You deserve a pat on the back – so go on, do it – no one’s watching!
As for me, after repeated back-pats, I am going to retire to Bed, my lover, with whom I will spend one of the few nights I have left in his warm embrace…