Cambridge Microscope Set For World Domination

The Titan microscope will help to provide breakthroughs in medical research relating to Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s.

It will allow scientists to analyse structures that are a million times smaller than the width of a human hair: images previously invisible to the naked eye and common microscope alike.

The Beast, as some scientists have nicknamed it, will play an invaluable role in numerous initiatives. Notably, the microscope will be used as part of a fresh investigation into diseases such as Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s.

Both diseases are caused by protiens only a few nanometres in length. Their impossibly tiny size meant that, up until now, they were simply too small to be viewed by other methods.

Reaction to the discovery was ecstatic.

“I’m over the moon!“, said third-year Homerton student Nyil Khwaja.

Fellow natural scientist Seb Dunnett agreed, adding: “It’s good, ‘cos now we can see really really small stuff”.

But others were less excitable: “It reinforces Cambridge’s position as the best uni in the world, whilst at the same time wastes lots of money that could be spent elsewhere”, sniffed Southampton mathematician Jon Crook.

Other studies involving the FEI Titan 3 include research into the future of energy-saving lighting as well as the purification of contaminated drinking water in developing countries.

David ‘Two Brains’ Willetts, Minister for Universities and Science said at the unveiling of the new machine: “By capturing the sharpest possible images of individual atoms, researchers can swell their knowledge of how materials work to deliver far-reaching benefits for society.”