Rich Bitch: Examwear

Ladies and Gents,

Exams are upon us. The time for hibernation is upon us like a mystical fog. My once raucous corridor is now filled with the lonely echo of quills being sharpened and inkwells being refilled. Concerns regarding clothing and hygiene have been thrust to the wind. Only yesterday my normally well-dressed neighbour, through lack of clean garments, attended a supervision wearing spandex cycling shorts and green crocks. Such foolhardy behaviour cannot persist.

Fear not, however. I am not the type to forego simple hygiene practices in the midst of exam stress, and I am certainly not sympathetic to those who merely exchange last night’s pyjamas with a fresh pair at four in the afternoon, or in desperation are forced to adopt a bobble hat to mask their unlaundered hair. During such strenuous weeks as these, a dedication to the careful choosing of both revision and exam outfits is paramount. Many of you, I am sure, will saunter into the exam hall in your grandmother’s cardigan, your boyfriend’s pyjama bottoms, wearing nary a bra and not a smudge of make-up (this description applies to culprits of both sexes).

You do not have to concur with such lax ideals. Instead my advice is as such; select items that will yield the best results, both stylistically and academically. Above all, think competitively, as I do. I’ve recently invested in the glorious Miu Miu shirt and skirt recently sported by Keira Knightley, both of which are adorned with miniature naked ladies. The perfect distraction for the candidates seated adjacent and behind me.

Another tactic is that ol’ fave, aspirational dressing. Mathmos and Economists, throw on a Vivienne Westwood Wall-Street inspired suit. If that doesn’t put you in a ruthless, graph analysing, number crunching mindset, nothing will. Equally Vets, find an affinity with the animal kingdom in one of Giambattista Valli’s leopard-print playsuits.

And for the cherry on top of the sartorial cake? I personally will be channelling my inner intellectual via some classic geek-chic specs. Forget the flimsy plastic ones available at all Avatar-showing cinemas. Think Balenciaga, Chanel, Michael Kors or Sonia Rykiel. Even if I don’t know the right answers, my glasses will persuade fellow candidates otherwise. Now all I need is a trip to La Senza to purchase an outfit worthy of convincing the examiners….