Rich Bitch: Swimwear

Summer is almost upon us and according to Rich Bitch, this year’s must have theme is medieval…

catwalk Danielle Scutt fashion Mara Hoffman Mark Fast PPQ Rich Bitch


As Gwyn Paltrow was overheard screaming at Chris as I passed her in a spiritual yogalattes class on a beach in Goa over Easter, “Honey, I need more sun cream”.

Yes, readers. Summer is upon us.

For someone like me, summer is always a difficult time. There is always so much tension with the BFFs when May comes around and I’ve already begun my ultra-intense skin treatments to complement the tan I spent Easter honing in a secluded Indian beach resort. When we finally hit the Emma pool after exams, it is understandably hard for them to compete.

As you should know by know, this summer it is all about scuba rubber, bright nylon, and neoprene. Forget ‘nautical’; hardcore marine-chic is upon us. Remember the scene in Mamma Mia with the sexy flipper-wearing Greeks? Those bronzed Gods were two years ahead of the fashion masses. I spent all of yesterday customising my old Billabong wetsuit into a pair of hotpants and a sexy crop-top. I’ll wear it out next Wednesday, with a snorkel as a cute little clutch.

I must confess, however, that clothing has been the least of my worries this week. In a cruel twist of fate, I have been almost bed-ridden from swimwear related stress these past two days, a plight from which I rarely suffer.  As you sweet regular readers will know, I have always believed in the importance The Themed Outfit. Angora (spoilt younger sister) argues that a bikini is not an outfit. But then of course one will say that when one dresses like a 1950s sweet wrapper (yes, Angora worships at the sordid alter of Sir Jack Wills).

Anway… I have been searching for a bikini theme. I’ve toyed with ‘Queen of Hearts (an Mix up of a PPQ headdress and a Danielle Scutt swimsuit) and ‘African Tribesman’ (Mara Hoffman’s tasselled wonders.).


But Alice in Wonderland is so March and tassels may look good but they do play havoc with the tanlines. Inspiration finally struck me, however, upon viewing the trailer for ‘Robin Hood’.  How did I not think of it before? So, dear readers, take heed. For me (and therefore inevitably for you), this summer’s swimwear theme is…. ‘Medieval’. Don’t worry; a chain mail swimming costume is not slutty. It is historical.