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Hysterectomy Thursday

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Hysterectomy Thursday

Following the success of Caesarean Sunday, the Cambridge University Board of Pre-Examination Mayhem Management (CUBPEMM) announced yesterday the establishment of Hysterectomy Thursday, to be held on Thursday 6th May in the Master’s garden at St. John’s College. Sir John Organisation, secretary to the board, announced, ‘we feel strongly that channelling the tendencies of the youth to debauchery will help to contain their most base impulses. It is important that they get it out of their systems, so to speak, so that they are in a fit state to face up to the more serious matter of University Examinations.’ 

The CUBPEMM was established in the late 1880s to tackle to the problem of students being overcome with untamed desire during the examinations themselves. Dubbed the ‘sexaminations’ of 1987, the notorious spate is generally thought to have been the direct result of the invention of the libido by Cambridge scientist Professor Hubble in 1986. The CUBPEMM Secretary commented ‘it is our highest priority to ensure that University Examinations are never again soiled by this extraordinary behaviour.’  

Hysterectomy Thursday is set to host the initiation ceremonies of some of the most famous and respected of Cambridge University’s Drinking Societies.  Also, as part of a wider initiative to ensure gender equality, the Girton Violets and the Jesus Peonies will go head to head in a fish-oil wrestling contest, while young gentlemen from Christ’s College will prove their mettle by catching, killing and consuming a plethora of wild animals cheered on by their peers. The primary spectacle of the event is expected to be a British Bullfrog competition between the staff of the Physics and Chemistry Departments. 

The customary post-revelry mass-orgy will be hosted by Cindies Dance Centre. Tickets are £5 and can be purchased from the ADC Box Office.