Agony Aunt: MILFs and other opportunities.

Dear L and L,
I am writing because my six month anniversary went COMPLETELY tits up (and by tits up I DO NOT mean sexy and upside down, I mean dreadful). I wanted to avoid the clichéd restaurant date and decided to treat my man to a day of filthy unadulterated love making. I bought myself some filthy new underwear (think crotchless and strappy), experienced a Brazilian for the first time in my life (also dreadful), shaved all the way up my legs (not just up to my knees), bought loads of scented candles (just don’t tell college), purchased some lube and a few little sexy toys and I was set. Everything was going absolutely perfectly so to really heat things up I decided to go for ass. I’ve asked him if he wanted it in the past, but he’s always politely declined. I’ve heard boys secretly crave it so I thought on a day like an anniversary I should give it a go. I licked his bum hole. It was pretty disgusting but I could tell he loved it. But that’s the problem. He loved it too much. He even yelled out the name of his best mate. His best mate is a guy. I decided to let that slide but the next day I found loads of pictures of my face glued to naked torsos in Men’s Health. And that’s not the worst bit-I caught him with my vibrator…in his ass. Is my boyfriend gay? Did I turn my man gay on a day that was supposed to bring us closer together? Help. What should I do?

Bummed, Murray Edwards

Calm down. You haven't turned him gay; he was obviously a massive gayer before, you're just too thick to notice. You probably even look like a boy, so don't act surprised. And doesn't every woman want a gay boyfriend? Get with the programme – even popular chart hits have touched on the topic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HK9VBxDlQOE Gay boyfriends are ON TREND. There are hundreds of girls out there who would die to have your nice-smelling but sexually unresponsive bit of stuff. So what if he likes it bum-side – he probably gives a fuck about your feelings, even if he won't give you a fuck. You should embrace the situation. Get his best mate involved and if that doesn't work and you're still desperate for some sex, think about improving on that boyishness. Work out. Bulk up. Start taking testosterone, girl! It did wonders for the East German Women's Olympic team back in the day: imagine what it could do for you. But, yeah, might be a bit too far if all you were looking for was a romantic poke around. We've established you're probably not the looker, so the other option for you is to renounce the modern world, become a nun and hope for passing vikings keen on a quick rape.

L and L

Dear L and L
I want to know if I've overstepped the line. See, my girlfriend invited me to her massive country pile for her birthday. We went out for a top-notch dinner at the local gastro-pub and we'd both had a bit to drink. Anyway, we get back and we have a fantastic fumble in her four-poster and we're in and out of each other and in and out of every hole. Brilliant, I think, and collapse into a deep sleep. A couple of hours later and those 6 pints of Pinkerton's Porter are pressing on my bladder and I have to get up and find the pisser. But the house is massive, staircases everywhere and there are lightswitches nowhere. I eventually find it, relieve myself and work my way back to her four-poster. I slip in the sheets and I'm still as horny as fuck, so I reach round to give her a quick squeeze and before I know it we're right in the thick of some hardcore sexy stuff. Then I realise she's a lot better than she usually is and her baps are a bit bigger. It's her mum. But I'm right in the middle of it and her mum is a proper babe. We're at it all night and I slip back to my girlfriend's bed, knackered. When my girl wakes up she's well pleased 'cause she never usually tires me out, but at breakfast, both the mum and her are making eyes at me. It’s a bit awkward. Should I feel guilty? Her mum's a milf, I reckon it would've been rude not to, but what will my girlfriend think? Can I turn this to my advantage?

Eager of Emma

L and L think you’re a bit of a bad man. Cheating is not BIG and it is not clever (think Ashley Cole, Tiger Woods and Camilla Parker-Bowles). Saying that, we know mums are getting seductive these days. Your lady’s mam probably spent all your visits deep-throating her banana and fingering her low fat yoghurt over breakfast so she was basically asking for it. We would like to thank the BBC for bringing Hotter Than My Daughter into our lives (and single-handedly keeping the sober Atomic Kittens in full-time employment). Prime time television shows today’s mothers that it is socially acceptable to get your rat out even at the menopause stage. As long as you don’t hear an echo when you go down on your lady, she isn’t too old. If it wets your sexual appetite go back for your refill. Just keep asking your lady for visits back home and make it clear that family is important to you. She’ll think you’re thoughtful and considerate, and most deceptively, wholesome. But PLEASE, do not get drunk and ask for a threesome. Mum, daughter and boyfriend is not the ménage a trios any healthy virile bloke should want to participate in. L and L do not advocate incest (except in the case of sexy twins. Sexy twins are SEXY-just make sure you swap condoms between sisters). If you can keep it secret, keep it going. After all God gave men 2 arms for a reason…2 hands to pleasure 2 women under the dining room table.

L and L