The Animals Went In Two By Two…

KATE ELLIOTT on the animals you see in Cindies.

Cindies Clubbing fighting lindsey lohan mean girls Opinion pulling slutty

Whilst engaging in a cheeky screening of Mean Girls in the library last week, I was, for the first time, struck by an element of Lindsay Lohan’s performance I have perhaps failed to appreciate before. Things may not be going that well for Li-Lo these days but she sure packs a punch as an angry ginger safari bitch, shrieking and straddling Rachel McAdams in a cafeteria-turned-watering hole

Furthermore, the similarities between the aforementioned scene and a Wednesday night out in Cambridge have since become too great in number to escape notice. Cindies essentially takes on the form of this watering hole/safari plain, as its occupants stalk their prey up and down the raised sidewalks, whilst the prey in question tries to leg it (useless) through the crush of gyrating bodies.  Aforementioned individual’s attempts to escape are obviously made more dangerous by the fact that their shoes stick to the floor every time they advance a step, in a kind of sick, fly trap scenario. The result of this weekly meeting of minds/congregation of cock/collection of clunge (delete as you feel appropriate) to the strains of noughties classics, is a plethora of examples of the animal kingdom’s various predatory styles and their effects. As well as an absolute treat for unashamedly avid people watchers such as myself.    

The alpha male: (You’re fit and my god don’t you know it,) favours an appropriately stripy shirt: a polo if he’s got schweffy hair, a posh shirt if he’s more arty looking. If asked, he’d compare himself to a tiger, and begrudgingly I have to admit he’d probably be right. Have you ever read the book ‘The Tiger Who Came to Tea?’ Well for him, Wednesday nights are more like a bloody buffet. Long legged, gazelle-like creatures drape themselves over him, disregarding all traditional survival instincts (aka self respect) in their bid to become another notch on the belt, and the girl that changes him forever.  Bit of advice ladies, a tiger never changes its stripes.

Awkward dancer boys: You’ve got to hand it to them, they’ve necked a few VK’s and they’re having a mental time, but the girl next to them who they keep poking in the eye definitely isn’t. It’s the combination of not being sure where to put their arms and the sporadic hip wiggle that makes for compulsive viewing. For their animal counterpart, think of that courtship dance that swans do, but being attempted by a monkey who fiends for some bump and grind. Has been known to try ‘You And Me Baby Ain’t Nothing But Mammals…’ as a chat up line. ‘Nuff said.

The animal kingdom is infamous for its vast number of non-monogamous occupants.  Such animals can always find a human sympathiser in those who adhere to the ‘you’ll do’ policy, one favoured by those of us  who stop maintaining standards at around midnight.  The Chimpanzee is apparently a massive slut, and there are plenty of hairy chimps roaming round Cindies on a Wednesday evening, making what are essentially monkey  noises, and wrapping their long chimp arms around the first available individual before bundling him home to their dens.

The Penguin is monogamous for a breeding season and can always find kindred spirits in the couple that met five minutes into the night and have been eating face next to the cigarette machine for the best part of three hours. The penguin can stay underwater for up to 30 minutes. Said couple also come up for air at similar intervals.

The aptly named ‘Birds Of Paradise’ are apparently one of the most promiscuous species around, and can be found embodied in the well groomed beauties in colourful creations that preen and pose on the dance floor in the hope of luring a fit lad back to their love nests. Though when another one of them goes home with another one of the blokes you’ve had your eye on, you can’t help wishing all their feathers would fall out.

Catz corridor. I went down there once. I imagine that’s how Mufasa must have felt in the Lion King, just before he got trampled to death by all those wildebeests.

Lastly we have The Hippo. ‘The hippopotamus is one of the most aggressive creatures in the world and is often regarded as the most ferocious animal in Africa’ (quote Wikipedia unquote). They love to roll around in the mud. Cambridge’s answer to the hippo can often be found outside on the pavement, rolling around in his own vomit and shouting at the mate who’s trying to take him home and put him to bed.  He’s enormous, angry, and can’t take as much drink as he thought he could. Probably a rugby player then.

On a final note, just to let you know, yeah you: woman who stole my phone and camera out of my bag in Cindies last week and left your earwax-encrusted silver disco ball Primark earrings in there for me to find the next day (rubbed salt in the wound like you can’t imagine). If I ever find you:  I’m going to maul you. Probably in the style of a rhino or a great white shark. I’m currently undecided. Or if all else fails, at least give Lohan a call to do it for me. You have been warned.