The Tab Confessional

By AMY LAMBERT

 

It is globally recognised that Cambridge University is a hot-bed for academic talent.  Yet while the phrase, ‘all men are created equal’ stands firm, truth can also be found in the classic Orwell quote, that some are ‘more equal than others’.  For even within our blessed establishment – membership to which allows each of us the smug assurance of academic superiority – elite clubs and societies serve to raise particular members to dazzling new heights.  In a world where all are geeks, the geek with exceptional sports prowess is King.  Enter the male Uni Blues.

Exclusively admitted to the illustrious Hawks Club, and with it allowed such perks as the enviable Wednesday night Cindies queue jump, these athletes are admired from afar, disliked on principle and have even inspired the creation of the term ‘Blue-tack’ to describe the gaggles of girls who constantly surround them, attracted by their sky-blue attire.

But how has the label of Uni Blue really affected these men?  What thoughts are racing behind the delicately chiselled face of your favourite sportsman, and are the hearts that beat behind those layers of finely honed muscle as gold as their dedication to their University would suggest? 

I asked three Blues just these questions.  By keeping their identities anonymous, it was possible to delve into their souls and uncover hidden truths in order to work out exactly how these men tick (and I have it on GSCE science that three repeats makes a rule).  James*, Eric* and Chris* are all Blues from different sports and could be from a College near you…

Amy Lambert: Hey guys. So, how long have you been a Blue?

James: 2 years

Eric: 45 girls, 40 Cindies… or a year.

Chris: 33 days

 

AL: Would you say you were in it for the status, or the sport?

J: The status/achievement.

E: The queue jump.

 

AL: In your opinion, does becoming a Blue make you intrinsically cooler?

J: I think some people do think you're cooler for having it although most don't, and I agree with the latter.

C: Absolutely.

E: Cool is an inadequate word to describe it.

 

AL: What’s your best experience since achieving Blue-status?

E: Indians worshipping me as a god.

J: Winning and scoring in my first varsity match as the only fresher in the team.

C: Removing my blazer to do a naked run.

 

AL: How good looking would you rate yourself?

J: No comment.

C: Moderate.

E: 10.

 

AL: Does being a Blue let you ‘punch above your weight’ with the opposite sex?

E: Not possible.

J: Yes, I do think it helps, if only slightly.

C: Yeah, possibly…

 

AL: What is the most ridiculous proposition you’ve ever had?

J: Not sure if I've had any regarding the Blue.

C: “Would you care to partake in a glass of sherry?”

E: I was handed a phone displaying a photo of the girl naked.  Seductive.

 

AL: If Blues-status has increased your ability to pull, would you ever be tempted to settle down or would you continually ‘play the field’?

J: I've been tempted. Being/having a blue doesn't really change my philosophy in that respect. It's more of a bonus advantage than a life-changing phenomenon.

E: I can never settle: too many people need me.

C: I would live the dream.

 

AL: Would you ever be tempted to cheat on your girlfriend if you thought you could get away with it?

C: Depends on the girlfriend.

E: Yes, definitely. Girls should learn to share.

J: No comment. Not sure what this has got to do with being a Blue! [Laughter]

 

AL: Can you spot a Blue-tack?

C: Oh, yes.

J: Yeah, definitely. They do exist.

E: Lots of leg, as much cleavage as can be mustered, fake tan.

 

AL: Blue-tack, in the sack. Yes, no, and story.

C: None to speak as of yet.

J: I was once tapping off with a girl for a couple of weeks each night out. The one night I wore my blazer to Cindies she came back to mine.

E: No. They’re all dangerously ridden with disease. It’s not worth the risk.

 

AL: You are out in town, sporting your blazer.  What happens next?

E: I get mugged. Actually that would never happen because all members of the Hawk’s club are held in such high esteem by the residents of Cambridge.

J: One usually receives several derogatory remarks from the locals. Fellow students often scorn at the real necessity of wearing the jacket out.

C: Some stare, some comment, some joke.  Most do nothing.

 

AL: Would you ever mock people for being bad at sport?

E: Have done since I could walk.

C: Yes, but only in jest.

J: No. I find it more admirable when those less able participate in a sport because they enjoy it.

 

AL: Do you consider all Blues sports equal?

C: Yes, for the most part.

J: No, rugby and rowing are undoubtedly the big ones, followed by cricket and football, then the rest.

E: Rowing is shit.

 

AL: What is your opinion of female Blues?

J: No different to that of male Blues!

C: Yeah, nothing really – I have no doubt that they fully deserve their accolade.

E: Pre-op or post-op?

 

AL: Would you say that stereotypes are alive and well in Cambridge?

J: In general? To some degree, but not in the often negative way it is portrayed in the media.

C: Yes, but there is always the exception to the rule.

E: Ridiculous question. I’m going to Cindies.

 

Looks like you’d be trying until you were ‘Blue’ in the face to find a pattern amongst these guys…