Preview: Films of 2010

ROB BROWN takes an objective look at this year’s heavy hitters.

Alice Cinema Film Karate Movie Titans Twilight

So it’s back to college, back to work, back to trying to ignore all the horrible things you should be doing. Like fellating a smurf. You know who you are. Anyway, new year, new term, new films. How exciting. After last year’s pile of shit – and having read a ton of end of year/decade reviews, it’s well past time for a look ahead to the blockbusters, indie smashes and softcore porn that we’ve got to look forward to in 2010.

Alice in Wonderland

Tim Burton’s latest project doesn’t look to have departed far from his usual strategy of pretty much filming whatever shit he dreamed about that morning. Note the presence of Helena Bonham Carter (his wife), Johnny Depp (his gay fantasies) and the aged up Alice (mid-life crisis=wish for younger poon). Except this time he’s adapting someone else’s weird thoughts. While the plot may have changed (Alice returns to Wonderland to save it from the Red Queen), Burton’s usual sumptuous visuals should ensure a film not to be missed. The cast looks magnificent as well; given Depp’s success with Captain Jack Sparrow, I’m expecting good things from the Mad Hatter.

Excitement factor: 4

The Karate Kid

A travesty to the very memory of Ralph Macchio. He’s dead right? Well Pat Morita certainly is and if he wasn’t already he’d probably have a stroke at the thought of rubber-faced, Buster Keaton-impersonating dickwad Jackie Chan taking over his role. The changes to this movie are so far-reaching as to make the use of the title misleading. One, it’s about Kung Fu not Karate. Two, it’s set in China. WTF? Three, the chivalrous aspect makes far less sense when the main character is 10/11. I know children mature younger nowadays and all that jazz but I find the “fighting the bullies to get the girl” romance plot a bit creepy. Also, isn’t it a bit strange to watch children this young kicking the crap out of each other? I mean the original film was pretty violent. They should have called it something else, the bastards. I dunno, just watch the crappy trailer. Check out the last sequence to see how much they fucked up one of the best moments in movie history.

“Travesty of such totally epic and genocidal proportions that Hitler, Stalin and Mao would club together as some kind of dictator super team to hunt down and kill anyone involved in its making” Factor: 5

Clash of the Titans.

Very excited about this. Mostly because of the tagline: “Titans will clash”. Surely any film with the balls to simply use its title in reverse order must be brilliant? Oh wait, no that’s criminally stupid. Another film with a stunning cast, check out the trailer to see how ridiculous Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes look; you thought Qui Gon Jin looked like a bearded wino tramp? This is much better. While I may have spent half the trailer laughing, I’m also a strange mix of a little boy who loves endless fight scenes; a Greek geek who wants to tut at how badly they fuck up the mythology and an old-fashioned romantic who enjoys Perseus’ quest to save the world and am therefore hugely looking forward to this. It’s also hilarious how much the Kraken looks like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in “The Scorpion King”.

Excitement factor: 5

Oh and coming in the summer we have the latest instalment of Robert Pattinson’s popular cheekbone serial, alternatively known as Twilight: Eclipse for all you Mormon vampire porn fans. Brilliant.