Worst Cantabrigian – Vote Now

After Isaac Newton was crowned Best Cantabrigian by Varsity, The Tab wants you to decide: Who is the Worst Cantabrigian of all time?

alasdair campbell michael howard Nick Griffin poll worst cantabrigian

After Isaac Newton was crowned Best Cantabrigian by Varsity, The Tab wants YOU to decide who is the Worst Cantabrigian of all time. Competition has been fierce, and there have been some surprise inclusions on the shortlist.

Any suggestions that this is anything more than a crude rip-off of Varsity's Best Cantab are wide of the mark – we even copied their format. Below are the final 9, you can vote at the bottom of the page. The winner will be announced on Saturday 28th November at 2am.

Vanessa Feltzfeltz
Broadcaster, Journalist, Z-lister, Unsuccessful fat fighter
1962-
Trinity College

Pros: Got a first in English; lost six stone for her wedding day
Cons: Gained the six stone straight back again; wrote a sex book entitled, "What Are These Strawberries Doing on My Nipples? I Need Them For The Fruit Salad!" No one wants to imagine Vanessa Feltz's nipples. Now you are.

We've watched her wobble across our screens on Celebrity Big Brother, try and lose the blubber on Celebrity Fit Club (reports that those who watched this abomination of a television programme in which Feltz pranced about in sports gear actually gouged their eyes out with safety pins are unconfirmed but expected to be true), and she's just shacked up with a 36-year old toyboy lover.

 

Oliver Cromwell cromwell
Lord Protector, Puritan, Regicidal hypocrite
1599-1658
Sidney Sussex College

Pros: Defeated the Royalists in the English Civil War, abolished the monarchy and the House of Lords. Didn't take no shit from the man.
Cons: Hypocritically took up the position of king and just called himself "Lord Protector" as a cover. Committed genocide against Irish Catholics.  Left Cambridge without a degree.

Oliver Cromwell was an exceptionally gifted social climber. Rising from middle gentry to MP, and then finally to the most powerful position in the Commonwealth, he was the best schmoozer Britain has ever seen. Having fathered nine children he was probably pretty hot between the sheets too.

 

Nick Griffingriffin
Politician, Racist, Entertainer
1959-
Downing College

Pros: Good to have on side in brawling situations, his remarkable ability to make the disgusting seem palatable to large numbers of people could come in handy when trying to organise orgies at the old people's home; wears nice ties.
Cons: Funny eye, lives in Wales, probably has semen breath.

Glass-eyed weirdo Nick Griffin did us all proud by beating Oxford in Varsity Boxing for two out of his three years at Cambridge. On the flip side, he's also a convicted racist, but Obama took cocaine and that never stopped him becoming president, the big silly lefty. His appearance on Question Time this year prompted crowds of adoring fans to surround Television Centre and his practical, no-nonsense approach to the complex issue of multiculturalism — "drop them out of a plane somewhere over Africa, I don't care" — has led to him being elected as one of Britain's Members of the European Parliament. If you're a fucking idiot and live in Yorkshire you probably agree with the start of this paragraph but luckily otherwise you probably already know why he's a tool and don't need it explained here.

 

Jimmy Carrcarr
Comedian, TV personality, Pudgy-faced twat.
1972-
Caius College

Pros: Pisses off Daily Mail readership. Gives hope to aspiring comedians with little discernible talent.
Cons: Purveyor of formulaic shit. Face like a hamster soiling itself. Presents everything but the news on Channel 4.

Jimmy Carr shot to fame on the back of his 'deadpan' style (deadpan here meaning reciting every joke in the same monotone with the requisite two second pause before the supposedly controversial punch-line) and is noted for being too fucking unoriginal to actually construct any links between his jokes. For what feels likes the past two hundred years he has been the face of every single Channel 4 comedy vehicle ever, his self-congratulatory banter and smug expression the constant scourge of Friday night television.

 

Natalie Szarekszarek
Politician, freedom fighter, Meddling woman
1987-
Newnham College

Pros: Expresses opinions forcefully; she’s been published in the Guardian; keeps a tidy home.
Cons: tendency to natter and dilly-dally; can’t park a car or read maps; can’t go to the bathroom alone; takes hours to get ready before going out.

Favourite colour: pink. Darling Natalie has served as CUSU Head Girl for two years now. Aside from taking independent newspapers to task for their vulgar views, Szarek has embarked on a radical programme of reform, which has seen her run no less than 15 campaigns. Don't worry your little head about it, love. According to CUSU Women's Council minutes, Natalie is currently planning a "big attack" on The Tab. Here's some ammo for your arsenal, sweetheart.

 

Aleistair Crowleycrowley
Occultist, Poet, Racist, Hedonist
1875 – 1947
Trinity College

Pros: Founded his own system of sexual cosmology. Given the esteemed title “The wickedest man in the world”.
Cons: “The wickedest man in the world” is a label that doesn’t really leave much room for interpretation.

Crowley goes from strength to strength in the “fucked up nutter” category. Dabbled in almost every drug under the sun, changed his name, joined and left the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn before starting his own system of sexual majickal cosmology. Top marks for one of his greatest theories: “For the highest spiritual working one must choose that victim which contains the greatest and purest force; a male child of perfect innocence and high intelligence is the most satisfactory.” Virgin Mathmos were scared for decades.

 

Enoch Powellpowell
MBE, Poet, Brigadier and Racist
1912-98
Trinity College

Pros:
People used to call him Eunuch to take the piss. Minister of Health; Travelled all over in India in search of himself; Strong moustache.
Cons: Held extreme anti immigration views; Seen as the spiritual father to Nick Griffin. Looks a bit like Josef Fritzl

Eunuch was a scholar at Trinity. His famous 'Rivers of Blood' speech effectively ended his political career. Thereafter he concentrated on his Middle Eastern business – 'Eunuch's Harmonious Harems'.  Powell preached many of the ideas (free market and monetarism) that later became identified with Thatcherism.

 

Michael Howardhoward
Former Conservative Party leader, Vampire, anti-immigration campaigner, Second generation immigrant
1959-
Peterhouse College

Pros: bagged JFK’s gal completely against the odds, has turned out to be rather a nice guy since quitting front-line politics, famously provided the nation with brutal blood sport live on PMQs after cack-handedly calling a debate on the Kelly report despite having no argument prepared.  
Cons: responsible for the ‘Big Bang’ de-regulation of the financial sector which briefly caused the end of the world last year, used to vote in favour of the death penalty, instrumental in the introduction of the poll tax, managed to base a whole election campaign on anti-immigrant fear mongering despite being the son of an…immigrant.

Ann Widdecombe once said of Howard that he had “something of the night about him”. Spot on there Ann, although I can’t tell if it’s his vampiric countenance or the fact that at the 2005 general election his party’s slogan was “Are you thinking what we’re thinking?”. Well as it happens, yes we are Michael – we’re thinking that you’re about to lose this election big time, mainly because you’re a massive twat. Oh and just quickly, “did you threaten to overrule him?”

 

Alastair Campbellcampbell
Journalist, Spin Doctor, Dossier sexer upper
1957-
Gonville and Caius College

Pros: wrote for a porn magazine in his early career under the pseudonym “The Riviera Gigolo”; hilariously recreated as Malcom Tucker in comedy The Thick of It; overcame alcohol and depression to become Britain’s most powerful semi-ginger person.
Cons: Iraq.

‘Mad’ Ali Campbell served as the Goebbels of Blair’s Britain for 6 years. Notable achievements include the ‘sexing-up’ of the Dodgy Dossier. Asked about weapons of mass destruction in 2003, Campbell famously commented "Come on, you don't seriously think we won't find anything?” Whoops.