Cambridge versus Bridgeford

‘Recreational drugs, recreational sex, and random murder’: The Tab’s guide to ITV2’s Trinity.

Blue Peter Cambridge Features Freshers Week Fry and Laurie ITV2 Mitchell and Webb Reggie Yates Student The Daily Mail the tab Trinity

The Beeb may no longer offer a pre-furnished cubicle to any bright young (male) Cambridge graduate, but it continues to nab ex-Tabs of the awkwardly portly and skinny variety (Fry/Mitchell; Laurie/Webb).  Channel 4, meanwhile, buys slick American dramas and edits them into fast-paced montages of nubile rich young people kissing, acting shocked, and strolling around their mansions in swimwear. Some spark at ITV2 has spotted the way to corner both markets: Trinity (a world of ‘recreational drugs, recreational sex, and random murder’).

Set in the fictional institution we all wish we were enrolled at, is our buddy at ITV secundus an ex-Cantab poking fun at his old hallowed halls, or has he simply transferred a compilation of ‘Toffs gone wild’ Mail clippings to the small-screen? Is the fakest thing about the whole bushel the idea that anyone could think that Reggie Yates is “fit”?

Realer than an uncomfortable first-day tea + Basics biscuits party in a neighbour’s room:

1. Passing boy shouts “You blighter! You absolute bloody blighter!” Here, apparently words you thought only existed in unbelievable dramas featuring meerschaum pipes and bad-accents are in fact bloody ordinary. +2
2. Christian girl (Charlotte) is given sparse grey room with unflattering lighting. Rich cousins have sex in a warm crimson and gold set – which is, incidentally, the next room along the corridor. Glamour’s all about good lighting. +5
3. “You do know that Trinity doesn’t have a Fresher’s Week?” +2
4. Charlotte’s goon tea party sniggers at her censure of all the girls taking off their clothes to offer themselves to any available “upper class twits” in the ‘Dandelion Club’. None of them have ever heard of the club before and certainly aren’t getting any similar offers themselves. +5
5. Creepy dean quotes poetry at the feathery blonde female warden, rather than saying something actually classifiable as sexual harassment. Then calls her “a slip of a thing…rather reminiscent of an eight-year-old boy”. Ew? +3
6. Reggie Yates’ character thinks he’s the coolest thing since cold toast because he’s from Lewisham, wore a t-shirt to matric, and didn’t bother reading “the stupid Freshers’ leaflet”.  Ends up friends with science-keeno Charlotte and the batty Welsh one, post-realisation he’s actually not cool at all. +10
7. Reggie decides to drop out because of the “weird people and the strange cutlery”. Decides to stay because he thinks he might get laid. +15
8. “Ah! Peasants!” +1
9. Rosalind, Sloane cousin of Dandelion president has a champagne bath on the dancefloor. Louche. +5
10. Dorian (the Dandelion Club’s President’s name: +10) comforts pretty Christian girl by shagging her. +5

Faker than the dean pimping out hot Swedish bedders to his students:

1. Opening scene: slutty Sloane’s feet, immaculately heeled, clipping across front court. She’d actually be snipered off the manicured turf instantly. -10
2. ‘Trinity’, supposedly the oldest, most illustrious college in Bridgeford. Filmed in a late-Victorian red brick school. Think Trinity versus Robinson. -5
3. REGGIE YATES. How old even is he? We’re not buying the ‘youthful styling’ of leather jacket + t-shirt. He looks like a washed-up ex-Blue Peter presenter. -20
4. Charlotte’s mum drops a mysterious bombshell re:her dad. Dashes out with the reassurance, “Im praying for you Charlotte”). Just what you want to hear on your first day leaving home. -3
5. President of Dandelion pride strolls up to Charlotte in a preposterous kimono. Has her crying out her daddy issues on his shoulder in roughly five seconds. Even with Mental Mum, you’d probably hide the crazy for a bit, maybe reinvent yourself as someone who hasn’t memorised the breakdown of your A-level results. -5
6. ‘Dandelions’ feel it appropriate to wear tails, top hats and matching waistcoats of a normal day; they are crass and hideous colours. Isn’t there an Ede & Ravenscroft in Bridgeford? -10
7. The two working-class boys appointed the Dandelion Club’s ‘fools’ have to chase a ‘golden ball’ around as a form of spectator sport. Writers deluded that Cambridge actually is Hogwarts. -3
8. Reggie Yates pulls hottest girl in the year. -25

Real: +63  Fake: -81   Overall: -18