The official food hygiene scores of all the Selly Oak takeaways

If there's any time to be living on takeaways, it's whilst at uni. Free money from Student Finance, no parents to force you to eat actual meals, regular visits to Sports Night and Fab. All of these factors combine to create a situation in which, really, takeaways become a necessity. But how grim actually is this food that we're shovelling down our throats multiple times a week?

Turns out, it's usually pretty bad.

In this list, I will be examining the hygiene ratings of our beloved Selly takeaways – beginning with the highest scorers – in order to pay homage to those that understand the importance of hygiene, and flag up the ones which just don't seem to have got the message yet.

ROMEO PIZZA – 5/5

Now, without throwing unnecessary shade, this score surprised me. Maybe it's the fact that the further up Bristol Road you go the sketchier places seem, or maybe it's just that living in Selly Oak for two years is enough to lower anyone's expectations. Either way, I apologise for judging Romeo too harshly.

According to the Food Standards Agency, Romeo is good for food handling, cleanliness and management of food safety. The ideal post-Fab scran?

DOMINO'S – 5/5

Not really all that surprising given it's national status, but still comforting to know that those overpriced pizzas won't be giving you food poisoning any time soon.

Asserting its dominance as the most hygienic takeaway in Selly Oak, Domino's is very good for food handling and management of food safety, and good for general cleanliness.

SUBWAY – 5/5

Much like with Domino's, this score was definitely expected, but perhaps comes as even more of a relief considering the fact that the UK's favourite sandwich shop has fresh salad kept out in the open.

Subway has been rated as very good for management of food safety and good for both food handling and cleanliness.

DILSHAD – 4/5

A very respectable score from Selly's resident curry house. Tbh I would have accepted a 2/5 purely for the bring-your-own-booze perk of the place, but the favourite restaurant of every UoB sports team has surpassed expectations.

Dilshad has been rated good for food handling and food safety, and generally satisfactory for cleanliness.

UNIVERSITY SUPERSTORE – 4/5

I'm including Uni Superstore on this list after their debut venture of 'Uni Fried Chicken' (which is actually pretty nice, no lie). UFC does not appear on the Food Standards Agency website alone so I can only assume that its rating is encompassed by that of the establishment as a whole.

Whilst it's nice to know that the food of Uni Superstore probably won't make us ill, when are they going to tackle that appalling £5 minimum card spend?

University Superstore has been scored as very good for food handling and generally satisfactory for both management of food safety and cleanliness.

FALAFEL MUNCH – 4/5

Is it just me that's a little bit disappointed by this score? Falafel Munch just gives off such wholesome vibes that I was hoping for a solid 5/5. Nevertheless, 4/5 is a valiant score for the good guys of Selly Oak.

Falafel Munch is good for both hygienic food handling and cleanliness, and generally satisfactory for food safety.

CHEEKY JOE'S – 3/5

Having only frequented Cheeky Joe's once and leaving empty-handed upon discovering that the card machine was not working, I don't have all that much to say about Selly's local desert takeaways (other than does anyone even go to them ????) and am therefore unaffected by this somewhat mediocre score.

Cheeky Joe's has been scored as good for food handling and generally satisfactory for both cleanliness and food safety.

MR GELATO – 3/5

Same story as Cheeky Joe's, tbh.

Mr Gelato is generally satisfactory across the board.

CHICKEN.COM – 3/5

Perhaps my favourite Selly Oak takeaway (why do none of the other chicken shops take card?), I'm content with this score. It's not amazing, but neither is the food or service, so what else can be expected?

Chicken.com is also generally satisfactory in all three areas.

DIXY CHICKEN – 3/5

Let's face it. Dixy's is the inferior Rooster's. The chicken isn't as nice, the chips are unsatisfactory, and it's way too expensive. However, I'll give it to the Dixy's staff, at least they kind of care about not poisoning their customers.

Dixy Chicken has been scored as good for cleanliness and generally satisfactory for food handling and safety.

YAKINORI – 2/5

I! AM! APPALLED!!!!

This cute little Japanese restaurant, with its ginormous bento boxes and generous servings of chicken katsu, is hiding a dirty secret.

I'm sure I speak for the rest of Selly when I say that the discovery of this score hurts way more than any other on the list. It's not just the sense of disgust, but the betrayal that stings the most.

Yakinori is generally satisfactory when it comes to food safety but has been scored as improvement necessary for both hygienic food handling and cleanliness.

MAMA MIA PIZZA – 2/5

I hate to say it but this score just really isn't as shocking (heartbreaking) as that of Yakinori. Mama Mia has been recently inspected with the new findings waiting to be published, but in the meantime it's probably best to just go Romeo or Domino's for pizza instead.

Mama Mia has been scored as generally satisfactory for food safety and as improvement necessary for both food handling and cleanliness.

PIZZA LAND – 2/5

Same story as Mama Mia, really.

There aren't any further details available about Pizza Land's score, as it has been inspected recently and new ratings are waiting to be published. Here's to hoping for improvement.

PEPE'S PIRI PIRI CHICKEN – 2/5

This score is actually somewhat surprising considering Pepe's isn't just a random Selly Oak establishment, but rather a national chain. Not exactly sure what the managers are letting go on in the Selly iteration of their restaurant but I, for one, am concerned.

Pepe's is generally satisfactory for food safety and cleanliness but has been scored as improvement necessary for food handling.

ROOSTER HOUSE – 2/5

Ah, Roosters.

I've always assumed that the stomach issues I get after eating your food are a result of the copious amount of VKs typically consumed beforehand, but maybe I was wrong. I want to be surprised, but I'm not. I want to say I'll never eat here again, but I will. The king of Selly takeaways could be rated a 0/5 and I still wouldn't stop eating their chicken strips.

Roosters has been scored as generally satisfactory for cleanliness and management of food safety but improvement necessary for hygienic food handling.