Every type of student you will meet at the library

Please just let me write my essay

With first semester deadlines looming around the corner, you might be feeling adventurous enough to swap your VK’s for some water and a coursebook. You need to pull back all the messing about this semester and cram the whole semester into the next three weeks.

But fear not! Before hitting the library to smash out your essays, extend your procrastination for that little bit longer and scroll through the definitive list of people you WILL meet in the library.

The all-nighter

Surrounded by coffee cups and energy drink cans scattered across the desk, with a dead look in their eyes. More than likely wearing a pullover hoodie and joggers, this student is probably a third year student swarming in deadlines for essays, grad schemes, and masters applications. This is your future, freshers.

Gimme all you got

The fresher

When they came to uni they were bright-eyed and full of optimism. Now they’re complaining they have “so much work to do” and don’t know how they will complete it all. Alert: your first year does not count towards your overall mark. These are people who don’t understand the merits of first year being all about parties and feeling guilt-free. Leave the seats to final years who need to prove to themselves and their parents they haven’t spent £9,000 in a drunken haze.

Wow so many spider diagrams to do

The procrastinator

I’ve noticed you. First you went on Facebook to catch up with your school friends who have just got engaged. You wrote one sentence for your essay and then put on a quick Netflix series, and then posted in your WhatsApp a glorious meme. Stop taking up valuable library resources and pull yourself together.

The Book Spreader

They've got their laptop charger; phone charger; laptop; phone; two notebooks; a bottle of water; their handbook; three printed essays; and an introductory textbook ON TOP of their bag; coat; scarf; and beanie. There’s not enough seats in the library as it is, don’t make the rest of us feel suffocated by the lack of space.

The snap-chatter

Similar to ‘The procrastinator’ but worse. They’ll be wearing their new designer jumper from Selfridges and taking pictures of themselves “studying really hard”. These people just love showing off their seemingly perfect life – when really there is nothing to their life except vapid selfies. Get over yourself.

The person who has it all together

They’ll have their own floral-print thermos for their caffeine fix rather than the average coffee sold in styrofoam cups in the library cafe, complete with a cute lunchbox full of healthy snacks and a chicken, spinach, and sun-dried tomato pasta dish. Don’t forget their colour-coordinated pens to match their notebooks bought from Paperchase. You are the envy of most students – tell me your secrets.

The group project

Everyone knows group work is the WORST kind of work. They’ve booked a section in the library, bought flash cards, and hired a flip chart, given out responsibilities and timetables. While one student plans out all the research and collates all the work, the rest will be watching viral videos on their laptops, trying to look like they are doing some of the work.

The smug student

They’re usually sat with a group of friends in the library cafe asking around who has started the dreaded essay that’s due in three days time. Except they’re not doing this to feel close to their stressed out course mates, but rather to boast about how they’ve finished it.

Please. Don’t.

The scary librarian

More than likely either wearing a striped blue shirt and boot-cut jeans or a thick grey cardigan, specs, and tights. They will patrol the library like a vulture to catch anyone talking and shout “THIS IS A QUIET FLOOR!” They are helpful though, when locating that book you desperately need which just so happened to be across the desk from you.

The drunk student

For the bants, they thought turning up to the library would be a good idea after a heavy sesh at Fab. May or may not try to sprawl across the desks on the second floor to try and grab some sleep and will definitely make a scene when escorted out by security.

The emotional wreck

You thought you had your year planned – but you’ve got your dissertation draft and two essays due. Say goodbye to any parties and the Christmas holidays. Now you know why so many final year make jokes about crying into their dissertations.

The secret eater

If it’s not the smell of last night’s takeaway that’s off-putting, then its the rustling of the crisp bag that echoes throughout the room. Then they try and covertly open up their protein bar without making too much sound – but their chewing gives it away. Were you raised with no manners?

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The flu-ridden student

Their sniffling seems to be never ending and they cough so much you're afraid they'll lose a lung. Get yourself a Beecham’s and go back to bed. Watch Netflix – you are in no state to study my friend.

The invisible student

You've been eyeing up this desk for the past 40 minutes and there is no sign of anyone returning to occupy the space. You could go to the third floor and try to find another desk, but what if you do and there are none? Then that journey would be pointless. You risk it and sit down and pull out your laptop from your bag, only for the student to come back and complain. You awkwardly shuffle on. No study time for you.

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Where are they? Right here

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