Why I’ll never swap my beloved Nokia brick for an iPhone

I have under 10 contacts on my phone, I never take it on a night out, I play Snake on the daily and I even get a little annoyed if I have to charge it more than twice a month. The Nokia brick is quite simply the best and most practical phone out there. Nothing else comes close.

It’s indestructible

My beloved Nokia has been through a lot. It has withstood a bath full of water, prolonged soaking in stale piss and plunge from a third floor window. It laughs in the face of iPhones who crack at the slightest pressure. I’ve even lost the back to it, and it’s still perfect. I’m positive it will outlive me.

YES.

It costs the same as three pints of Stella in a fancy pub

Spending £100 to repair a cracked screen? A £200 up front fee and absurd £40-a-month contract? Insurance? This is not the angst-fuelled life human beings were meant to live. Save some money and spend it somewhere else. Go for dinner, buy a holiday, splurge it all on VKs at Fab – just stop wasting your money or something so pointless.

It’s my very own wing-man

A solid Nokia is just about the best wingman there is. It’s guaranteed to get you a girl’s number. Not only does it open up a whole array of conversation about how 2007 my life is, but girls can’t resist the satisfying click of the Nokia keys. There’s just something so sentimental about them. I even show off my speed texting when the convo really gets going. I usually chat to them on Facebook after, but know my phone got me there. On rare occasions girls love the vintage form of communication so we’ll text. But they have to be pretty special for me to spend my standard network rate.

I never worry about losing it

So many people seem to constantly check they haven’t lost their phone during a night out? Even if, God forbid, I lost my warrior of a Nokia, I can get a new one for under a tenner. Sorted.

I never, ever have to charge it

Well, maybe twice a month at a push.

I actually call people and have meaningful conversations

People have forgotten the main point of phones is to make calls. Having a phone pretty much exclusively limited to this for of communication reminds you to actually call your mum every now and again.

I even have a replica

I can take a break from the toxic world of social media

Facebook is great, but too much of it chips away at your psyche and undermines your sense of self. Having a shit phone affords you a break from all that without meaning total hermit status. The time I spend with my phone is limited and therefore sacred. I escape the wrath of social media and nobody knows when I’ve read their messages. It’s truly blissful. Life is so much simpler when you can use your phone to just chill out making my own tunes with the phone keys.

I can play Snake whenever I want

Fuck Candy Crush, Angry and Pet Rescue Saga – nothing will ever beat the thrill of getting over 12,000 on Snake.