Valentine’s Day Survival Guide

Whether you’re as loved up as Queen B and Jay-Z or more unlucky in love than Bridget Jones, here’s The Tab’s guide to surviving this Valentine’s Day.

Singletons:

For all you single pringles out there, we thought the least we could do to lessen the pain of drinking a pint of wine alone would be to rustle up a couple of ways to survive the day to avoid the inevitable and abominable cry-wank.

The way to anyone’s heart

Food glorious food

Stay in and order takeaway with your friends. Yeah, girls, you might not have the missionary, respectful love-making your heart truly desires, and, boys, you probably won’t be redeeming that ‘special occasion blozza’ coupon, but it does mean you can slob about in your Snuggie and not care about stuffing cake in your facehole.

Mates before dates

Whether it be chicks before dicks or bros before hoes, you can always use the special day as a way of appreciating the people you do have in your life: your best friends and your family. Remember: you don’t have to be romantically involved with somebody to go out for a candlelit meal-plan. If all else fails, you know you can rely on the greatest friend any singleton could ask for: Chunky Monkey (or, depending on what mood you’re caught in, Rampant Rabbit).

And they say romance is dead

Treat yo’self…

… because if there’s no loving other half to shroud you in gifts, you may as well do it yourself. It may just be a ready meal from Aldi’s premium range or a new outfit. Our advice for if you’re feeling really special? Help yourself to a Miley-style self-love session under the sheets. Hell, nobody’s watching.

It’s true, Aldi really have an “exquisite collection” of wine…

Couples:

For those of you sharing the big day with someone special, here are some things to bear in mind:

Making plans

If you and your significant other are over the year mark and stuck in the rut that is your boring relationship, avoid the romantic dinner hot-spots. It’s highly unlikely that being surrounded by fellow diners trying to rekindle the old spark will get things shaking in the bedroom. Consider investing in an Ann Summers package to while the hours away (and maybe ear plugs, if you care about your housemates).

Long Distance  

For those of you who won’t be able to spend Valentine’s day with your special someone, it can be hard to recreate the magic over Skype ( let’s be honest, even love doesn’t look good at that angle). Consider rearranging – after all, your passion shouldn’t have to be resigned to February 14^th  and this way, you can take advantage of the discounted chocolate (pleasing, I’m sure, for the tightwads amongst us).

If you’re missing that Valentine’s spoon, you can alway snuggle up to this fella.

Is it really the thought that counts?

When it comes to presents for your significant other it could be Make Or Break. Flowers are cute for a week, but they end up limp, lifeless and rotting as you forget to throw them out. Avoid them like the plague before they merely become a painful metaphor for your relationship. Think edible, sexy and thoughtful. That’s right – candy pants are the future.

And, remember: if all else fails, whether you’re single or in a relationship, you can always go home to your bitch.

puppy love