UoB vs BCU: Which is better?

Ever wonder if BCU would have been a better choice for you than UoB? Of course you don’t – that would be like wondering if Big Momma’s House 2 is a better movie than The Shawshank Redemption or whether you should bother putting on pants today. The answer is such a resounding ‘no’, there’s no point even asking.

With that said, there’s also no point in having total superiority if you don’t laud it over the competition at every opportunity, so we’ve decided to have a brief breakdown of the two unis to see who comes out on top (like we didn’t already know).

Now, we could look at things like graduate employment levels or course satisfaction, but we felt the following rundown gave a much better indication of which establishment deserves your student fee and which one just deserves your pity.

Which university has the most sex with housemates?

Housemate sex is the forbidden fruit dangling from the tree that is university life- A juicy prospect that threatens to open a pandora’s box of pandemonium upon any who give in to its temptation (no points for guessing what the snake is in this extended metaphor). It seems some UoB students may not be the most forward thinking, with 16% admitting that they’ve decided to ‘shit where they eat’, whilst only 9% of BCU students admit doing the same.

Which Uni drinks the most?

What better way to rate a university-or any institute for that matter- than by how much they can chug? It’s a clear win for UoB here: Whilst we manage to down a healthy 17.7 units a week, BCU students’ inferior livers can barely handle 15-That’s only one more than what doctors recommend. Sometimes it feels like they’re not even trying…

a UOB students pre drinks… (#UNAAAYYY)

Winner: UoB

Which Uni has the most sex?

Another win for UoB. Whilst BCU students sit at a flacid 74th in the University sex league, with an average of 3 sexual partners per student, UoB students are nursing a semi in 49th with 3.47 (I’m not sure how .47 of a person is in the bedroom, but there’s probably a lot of cleaning up afterwards).

Winner: UOB

Which Uni is the most down to earth?

UoB has a state to private school rate of 82:18, whereas BCU is a lot less rah, with 97:3. If you want to avoid a hooray henry or a daddy’s darling named Cressida, steer clear of UoB. They’re called Mason wankers for a reason.

you’d totes see millie et al on the vale…

Winner: BCU

Which Uni is better looking?

swanky

While BCU has the advantage of being based in town and has a proposed £125million extension, it’s pretty hard to beat UoB’s gorgeous redbrick architecture.

hard to beat

Winner: UoB

Which Uni is the fittest?

UoB ranks 6th in the official BUCS league, whereas… BCU struggles in at 106. Oh dear.

UOB would definitely win in a scrum.

Winner: U0B

Verdict: Overall, it seems UOB is the place to be. (Well, we already knew that.)