The Tab meets: the locals

We see them all the time; a beer in hand, a jovial smile, often with newspaper and/or dog. These people need be strangers no more- it was time to finally break that barrier.

Meet Colin and Alan- the locals. Colin likes nothing more than dancing with the ladies (particularly Jamie, his favourite bartender), hanging out with best pal Alan and watching Sky TV at The Goose. The Tab sat down for a pint with them to dig a little deeper.

What would you like your nickname to be?

(Colin is reluctant to answer and looks away)

A: C-dog?

C: Shut up man, my name’s Colin.

How regularly do you visit The Goose and how long have you been coming here for?

A: 5 times a week I’d say. Colin’s a bit less.

C: I’d say 4 times a week.

(At this point Alan and Colin enter into a lengthy and increasingly heated debate. Colin claims it has been two months, whereas Alan is convinced it has been ten years, since they discovered The Goose.)

What is your favourite thing about The Goose?

C&A: Good atmosphere.

C: We enjoy the atmosphere.

A: Yeah. It’s a good atmosphere.

C: Also the Sky TV.

A: But it’s just a good atmosphere really.

Favourite bartender and why?

A: Jamie. Or Holly.

C: You like Holly. And I like Jamie.

A: You mean I like dancing with Holly.

The two men chuckle and proceed to ask us if we’d care for a dance after the interview.

Rate out of ten the service, ambience and decor.

A: Service? Eleven out of ten. Brilliant.

C: Ten out of ten.

A: He’s harder to please.

The ambience?

A: Ten out of ten. No, eleven out of ten.

C: Ten out of ten.

And the decor?

A: I absolutely love the tile work. Great tile work.

C: Brilliant TVs.

A: But the carpet, I don’t know about the carpet. It’s a bit…dated. It’s not gonna stop me from coming here, but it is a bit dated. But superb tile work.

What do you think of the students?

A: No, no it’s great. They’re great. We all have a good time here.

C: Mmm.

A: Especially on a Wednesday. Student night on a Wednesday.

Not too rowdy?

A: No it’s great.

(Colin keeps suspiciously shtum.)

Tell us an anecdote from your past.

A: Have you got six hours?

C: Let me tell you a story.

A: Cor blimey.

(Both men chuckle)

C: Let me tell you about the time we went to Belgium. We went to Belgium, me and my friends. With Gary. Alan’s brother.

A: You and Gary, you missed the coach!

C: Alan’s good actually, he eggs me on.

A: Haha, yeah.

C: We were running down a road. And we missed the coach. Well, we nearly missed the coach. It’s very funny.

(Both men spend a good minute giggling)

C: And it’s a lovely country. Relaxed, clean. Generally relaxed. It’s very nice.

What is your dream occupation?

(Colin stares into space, undertaking a wistful tone)

C: Gotta be honest with ya. A youth coach for Crewe Alexandra. If you want me to explain that, I will do. Crewe Alexandra bring players through. They bring youngsters through from a young age, England win the World Cup. And Alan’s gonna kill me in a minute. They bring players through from a young age and so…(Long pause) Productive, really. If someone said that tomorrow morning, I’d go home now. I’d go home and get ready for it.

If you had a superpower, what would it be and why?

C: This is very, very hard, this. But I’m gonna say it. I want my wife back, really. It’s been four and a half years. But, don’t wanna dampen the mood. And if I turned back time, I never would have met Alan.

A: Well, it’s meant to be, isn’t it.

And finally, nugget of wisdom you’d like to impart upon us students:

(Long pause: the two men think)

A: You’ve probably heard this, many times. But just enjoy yourselves. Enjoy yourselves. In the best possible way.

C: Yeah. Don’t let anybody-

A: Learn what you gotta learn. Enjoy yourself. Be experienced.

C: Alan’s a far more wiser man than me.