Dusk in Stirling is so so bad, but you’ll never miss a night there

Dusk is a night out you can’t handle without a few drinks, and if that’s not a sign of a brilliantly awful club, then what is?

Buried down a dodgy alley in the Heart of Scotland (self proclaimed), Dusk is Stirling’s answer to THE night out of the area. People from far and wide – well, from places where the taxi fares there are up to about £15 – gather in this tiny room for the best night of their week. There aren’t many other options and it’s not the time of year for casual drinking in the woods. Sheltered teens from Dunblane take advantage of the open train station barriers and fill their Snapchat stories with the top moments from their night out at the best worst night out in the country.

Pres are always at Spoons 

Let’s start this spectacular ode chronologically, with a light pre session in Stirling’s Wetherspoons. Chances are there will be some seats downstairs, but you’ll bypass them to stand upstairs because that’s where the magic happens. Picture a really crowded pub with overly stressed out (and probably a tad pissed off) looking bar staff and lots of people drinking from cocktail pitchers with straws, there you have it. Beautiful. Here you can also go to the toilet multiple times to regrettably break the seal before you hit the club. Everyone remembers the first time they get a squad photo in that infamous girls’ toilet mirror, sprawled across the sofa like you own the mid-range pub chain.

It’s an instagrammer

There is never a queue 

If you get there at the right time, one of the many wonders of Dusk is there is hardly ever any queue. The only queue you’ll face is the one at the end of the night when you’re waiting to get your coat back and your friend has lost their ticket, so you have to wait until the end. That is by no means the club’s fault. Ladies often get in free before 12 (wooh feminism), and that moment when you get graced with that ‘D’ stamp. Just wow. They seem to get fancier every time: one of Dusk’s many attempts to get itself up there in the big leagues.

Nineties to the noughties 

When you first get there, still only tipsy on Wetherspoons vodka mixers, the music will be somewhat questionable. Once the drinks kick in however, you’ll be screaming and grabbing your friends every time you recognise the starting beat of the next song, and reeling off the lyrics like you have been practising since your last night there. A night in Dusk will take you to just about every music era that has ever been. Sweet Caroline merged into Avicci? That’s child-play.

Look how much they’re enjoying the tunes

The dance floor is so small you will inevitably make new friends 

Most people would see the surface area of the Dusk dance floor as a bad thing, but it is actually a fantastic social opportunity. Being the British that we are, bumping into people will be followed with an “oops, eh, sorry, no it was my fault, eh, no you just spilled my drink it’s OK” and who knows what could follow this?! A disjointed chat, a blurry friend request receipt the next morning, an instantly regretted pull? The possibilities are endless. The dance floor size could even be responsible for the bringing together of soulmates. Ah, what a story to tell the grandkids.

This guy is always there, Dusk even has its regulars

Ooh look at that plushy interior

We can even say our favourite club is newly renovated. There’s a VIP area with a fantastic balcony to overlook those less fortunates who are standing, while you sit in your booth. Some parts even have carpets. That’s right, carpets. And sofa corners for when you’re close to having danced until you dropped. I mean if that mixed with the ambient lighting behind the bar doesn’t say luxury to you, then I don’t know what would. The bathrooms are jazzy with a 365 degree disco-ball effect. So even when you leave the dance floor, the party continues while you pee.

Sparkling

Skint Tuesdays  

This cannot be complete without a passionate tribute to the legend that is Skint Tuesdays. Skint Tuesdays is famous enough in the Stirling area that when people go off to uni they will shun clubs for daring to hold it any other day. Mention the word “Skint?” and everyone will know exactly what you mean: the time, meeting place, dress code, everything. It is somewhat of a pilgrimage, a rite of passage, you haven’t been to Dusk until you’ve been on a Tuesday. Drinks are cheaper, entry is cheaper, people are happier and the air is drunker.

Forget about Stirling Castle or the Wallace Monument. If you want a real swatch of Stirlingshire and its residents, get a relatively cheap dress, worry it won’t come on time with next day delivery, trip over the cobbles on your way into Spoons, order a pitcher, take a photo in the bathroom, forget how you got the the club and get yourself to Dusk. 

There are just a few hours left to vote for the most tragic hometown club in the UK.