What your choice of Glastonbury footwear categorically says about your overall vibe

Glastonbury well and truly looms. If you’ve got the app like me, you’ll have been confronted every time you open said app with an ominous countdown to the opening of the gates – a sight that’s either getting you extremely giddy or making you panic buy all your essentials for Worthy Farm 2024. Since the latest weather forecast is predicting a scorcher down at Glastonbury for 2024, you might be rethinking your clothing options after previously being in the midst of squeaky bum time over the prospect of spending five days entrenched in mud. Everyone’s got their own agenda on what the best footwear for Glastonbury is – but here is your very scientific, fair and accurate rundown of what all the shoe choices actually say about your overall vibe in 2024.

Salomons – Tryhard edgy (but, alas, fit)

If you haven’t developed an extremely irritating on the smuggest, East London lad who definitely had Salomons fused to his feet then you are either lying or have not lived. Been the it girl shoe of choice for anyone who thinks they’re cool for the past couple of years now – perfect for a pair to have got worn in enough that the lads don’t mind getting them a bit muddy on the farm. A bit of an eye roll shoe but one you can’t help but fancy the wearer of.

Snogs in San Remo loom as these stamp accidentally on your toes from someone too off their tits to realise he’s doing it.

Hiking boots – Sensible! And sexy, old – or both

Look, this is what I’m going for. If you don’t realise how much of Glastonbury is spent hoofing it around, you’re being naive. Get your walking boots on. Can handle a bit of mud and you won’t want to chop your feet off back at the tent. Heard some rumours on the street that these are for the old and boring, but no – these are for the sensible and sexy. When I put these on with some shorts my legs look fit and the vibe is vibing. Trust the duchess.

Hunter wellies – Trust fund

Look. I get it. We all grew up looking at pictures of Kate Moss serving muddy c*nt at Glastonbury and thought it could be us. But the only ones who truly get to live that are the wealthy bastards who shelling out for Hunter wellies barely makes a difference in their monthly allowance. Leave them to it. Avoid.

Just any old shit wellies – Boring

I bet you were THRILLED when Coldplay were announced as headliners.

Docs – ‘You sir have just won the internet today!’

Fuck the blisters, it seems. This lot want to let you know how millennial they really are. Not content enough with the fact their entire being radiates the Liberal Democrats, Taskmaster on Channel 4, Richard Osman cosy crime novels about murder in retirement homes and a tendency to say “hecking doggo” – they also need to bring that vibe to their festival footwear at Glastonbury. Deserve all the agony that’s coming to their feet whilst they watch Keane on the Pyramid stage.

Scratched, battered Air Force Ones – Shameless student

You’re at Glasto, not Pryzm. Your trainers are already wisened and haggard, so you better not come crying to me when they get ruined. The student vibes are off the scale.

Crocs – Insufferable

Please do not approach me. We will have nothing to say to each other, I promise you.

A battered Samba – CBA vibes but in an inoffensive way

You saw Rishi Sunak in his and thought “we had a good run”. Have to respect it. Let the festival do its thing and nature will take its course.

Timbs – Great vibes

Like walking boots but if they slayed. A timeless choice. You radiate the energy of someone who knows exactly what they’re doing. See you at Charli XCX, diva.

Cowboy boots – Glastonbury’s princess

You’re like when Love Islanders get flown out to Coachella. You aren’t in LA now, you’re on Worthy Farm! But fair play, you’re slaying – let’s just hope they make it through the entire weekend. You’ll get some good Instas out of it at least.

That’s every Glastonbury footwear vibe locked in – make your choice wisely.

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