Right, this is what your choice of UK festival says about your exact vibe
It’s time for a warm can of Red Stripe
Festival season is officially upon us. Glastonbury, Parklife, Boomtown, Reading and Leeds— within a matter of weeks we’ll all be sat in a sun-scorched field, covered in glitter, wondering whether we’ll ever get the mud off our trainers again. And, believe it or not, the weekend-long event you’ve chosen to lose your voice at this summer says a lot about your overall vibe.
Yup, every music festival has a very specific energy. Depop girlies, Soundcloud DJs, bucket hat wearing teenagers, and undercover posh boys in vintage fleeces are all getting their tents ready for the season. So, in case you’re curious which camp you’re in now your group chat has finally bought tickets, here’s exactly what your festival of choice says about you:
Reading and Leeds
You’ve just picked up your GCSE results and are heading straight into the British countryside with nothing but an Argos tent, a crate of Strongbow Dark Fruits and a pack of extremely optimistic condoms. If you’re over the age of 19 and still attending, you need a psychological evaluation. Because, truly, only teenagers can handle the chaos of Reading and Leeds.
You’ve packed your tiny sunglasses and are ready for your serotonin levels to plummet after four days of dancing in the forest alongside all of the edgiest people to scrape a 2:2 from Oxford Brookes. On the third day of the music, you’ll take a time out, look across the site’s picturesque lake and question if you’re truly having fun. The contents of your mate’s bum bag makes sure the answer is yes.
All your clothes are vintage and you sell everything you cop for double the price on Depop. Your friends names are Tilly, Yas, Lottie, and Pip. You all wear chunky silver rings and linen trousers and will lose one of your group by accident with every hour of the festival that passes. At some point in the weekend, you’ll get overwhelmed by the dirt and cry. But it’s nothing the beats can’t fix. Really, the aim of the game is to get as many candid film camera pics as possible.
You’re partial to a crossbody man bag or neon rave co-ord and have been to Printworks almost every weekend of your life. Like Will from Love Island, who was filmed having the time of his life at Hideout last summer, you absolutely love to dance and are simply there to soak up the Croation sun, listen to some music and hopefully pull at the pool party. Gorg.
You really loved the Cirque Du Soul events at uni and still can’t quite resist dumping a pre-school’s yearly supply of glitter on your face before you leave your tent. If your dad’s air miles would stretch far enough, you’d be at Coachella. But Herefordshire will have to do.
You like good music, good clothes and wouldn’t be seen dead wearing glitter. You live in a grad house with other hot young professionals in Peckham, Brixton or London Fields and still go to Phonox for nights out on the reg. Oversized T-shirts, niche designers and orange-tinted glasses are everywhere.
Posh boy paradise. Someone shouts “maaaaaate” every time an unreleased Soundcloud mix pumps through the speakers. North Face fleeces everywhere.
You don’t mind the rain. In fact, it makes your skin tight T-shirt show off your ridiculous gym gains better. Yet, despite you and all your muscly mates being massive fitness bros, there’s always one guy that takes it too far and falls asleep at the back of the field just in time for the headliner.
Secret Garden Party
You’re up for anything and will most likely have your nipples out by 2pm. Everyone’s wearing flower crowns, sleeping in glamping teepees and painting strangers shoulders with neon paint to Indie folk all the way through the night.
You’ve got enough money to do a weekend festival in the back of beyond and nip to a day fest for a bank holiday weekend of chaos in London, too. So, you either work in recruitment or finance and have a techno habit that just wont budge. Peggy Gou is your God.
Glastonbury has so many of its own stereotypes it probably warrants its own article. But, let’s boil it down to this: You’re either a veteran and have been going since birth, a first-timer from the home counties who’ll swear they’ll never go again without VIP, a sunburnt rugby boy with his top off, a London fashion girlie trying to channel Kate Moss, or, inexplicably, are from Liverpool and travelled all the way to Somerset.
Either way, good luck!