All the 2023 Love Islanders’ heart rate challenge attempts, ranked by phwoar factor

Ahh, the heart rate challenge – an exercise in twerking, thrusting and 30 quid tearaway Smiffy’s costumes. Are hearts really a’racing watching the next generation of influencers throw themselves about lustily to the demure vocal stylings of Becky Hill? Perhaps. Every year the batch is suitably mixed when it comes to how much we’re actually phwoaring. Sometimes you end up like poor Mary having to flop about in a plastic Little Mermaid wig. The odds are not forever in the Islanders favour. That being said, I ranked all of the 2023 Love Island heart rate challenge attempts from worst to best according to pure phwoar factor.

14. Sammy

Barging out of the gate with a manic, gorpy grin and flopping arms, this one was a jumpscare that was less angel, more erratic pigeon. Have never been less aroused in my life.

13. Mal

Not taking it seriously enough for my liking. Came out cackling, giving it Chuckle Brothers. You’re meant to be a sexy feline minx, darlin’! Get strutting!

12. Mehdi

Via ITV

Erm… stop kissing everyone.

11. Kady

Via ITV

Kady’s gorgeous but had the odds stacked against her in this year 11 high school girly going to a Halloween party clobber. Looks like it cost 50p to make.

10. Jess

Via ITV

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Got kind of forgotten because she was first, but Jess gets bonus points for how cinematic this image is of her strutting off from Mitch.

9. Montel

Via ITV

The dancing… the bastard dancing… He kind of gagged me with the tearaway pants though, fair play.

8. Scott

Scott had the unfortunate luck of coming out looking exactly like the scary mum from Black Mirror’s Loch Henry, but that aside, of all the Love Island 2023 cast’s heart rate challenge attempts he surprised me with his ballsy hoisting up of Catherine. I am crushing a bit I fear.

7. Tyrique

Via ITV

Too cocky. Reign it in, son. Not exactly a miss but didn’t quite make me a puddle of mush. He honestly thought he was Channing Tatum in Magic Mike storming out there and when he flopped it in the results you just know he was literally livid. Lighten up, doll!

6. Leah

Via ITV

I have been a Leah hater, and I hold my hands up to that – but I will say she really smashed it here. She looked HOT. The best of the costumes by far. She looked expensive.

5. Whitney

Via ITV

If there’s one thing Whitney’s gonna give you, it’s oomph. I was phwoaring, even if I didn’t get a moment to breathe. The way she slammed her arse down on those laps was simply an art form.

4. Mitchel

Via ITV

Some of you are getting your pitchforks out now to run me out of town, but Mitch emerging as a sort of sexy Mario-like plumber with a fat cawk bulge and a lot of clothes ripping off was DEEPLY sexy and nobody can tell me otherwise. I’m sat.

3. Ella

Via ITV

POUND THE ALARM.

2. Zachariah

Via ITV

It was good, wasn’t it… Let’s face it. Sexy beyond belief. When he squirted the gun I actually had to catch my breath. No, I’m not proud of it.

1. Catherine

Via ITV

Catherine came out of the villa looking like the love child of Zorro and the Scottish Widow and ended her performance with every Islander gagging for a crumb of her sex appeal. A legend. She has my heart.

Love Island 2023 is on ITV2 and ITVX. For all the latest Love Island news and gossip and for the best memes and quizzes, like The Holy Church of Love Island on Facebook. 

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