Ranking all the new Love Islanders based on literally nothing but their promo shoot vibes
Molly looks like she doesn’t have the capacity to speak with an inside voice
Yes, I’m done with Love Island. I am bored shitless, girlies. I am drained, haggard and empty – a vacuous shell of a former fan who now mutters to the sky that there’ll never be another Ekin-Su. Which there won’t, by the way! But if you ever want to get me to emerge from my crusty coffin and pick my laptop up to get a bit silly with it before we all sigh and sit down and watch Love Island season 10 anyway when it barges back onto our telly for the second time of 2023, just tell me someone wants me to rank the new Islanders based on nothing but the first arbitrary impression I get off them from the demonic promo shoots they’re forced to endure. That’ll do it. That did it. Here we are. Let’s get them ranked!!! Because sometimes, first impressions are funny.
My first impression of Jess I’m getting from that picture is that she’s the kind of girl who would do anything in her power to prevent me from going to her birthday party, and enjoy the cheap thrills of power such an action would give her. Fair play.
I just know this musical theatre menace has no concept of an inside voice. One hello and she’d be belting out Defying Gravity at you and giving Elphaba from TikTok a run for her money. The retired theatre gay inside me knows we’d get on, but only for the first hour or so. I saw her surname and the fact she was the daughter of a Corrie star, so inevitably assumed it was Kym Marsh. In an anticlimactic turn of events, it’s actually someone called Janet Marsh. O…kay.
Whilst I do actually award Tyrique a hefty dollop of kudos for wearing swim shorts that aren’t rancid, I do have a theory that everyone who poses with their arms inexplicably open like this has an innate evil about them, and that we will be in for a summer of trouble.
You know you’ve got an astonishingly sexy nose / v-line combo when they overpower the true harrowing haunt that is these shorts. They look like my nephew’s bedroom wall.
I just know Catherine has the tea. She knows all. I also know for a fact that she has a reaction photos folder in her iPhone camera roll to rival my own and that if she wasn’t on Love Island 2023 with the rest of the Islanders I’m getting a first impression from, she’d be sat at home tweeting along like the rest of us and causing havoc. Queen.
I look at this man and I see my life morph into a romcom. I see me stumble in the gym and recover, before getting a tap on my shoulder to see Mitchel presenting me with my fallen AirPods case. I blush, I take it, he asks me out. We go for a goofy little meal and laugh at each other’s silly little jokes. We fall in love. We move to a seaside home in Cornwall. We get a dog, which is ironic because Mitchel has the vibes of a loyal Golden Retriever. Life is sweet.
This is the kind of person it’s impossible to have a bad time with. The only thing Ruchee can give us based on this image is the best time of our fucking lives, baby.
2. André Furtado
I know that this first impression ranking of the Islanders of Love Island 2023 is meant to be based on vibes alone, but this man’s surname is Furtado. To share a name with the woman who sings Say It Right, Promiscuous, Maneater, Turn Off The Light, I’m Like a Bird, All Good Things (Come to an End), Give It To Me AND Big Hoops (Bigger The Better) counts for an awful lot in my books, I’m afraid.
I am moved by this image to let out a gasp. I believe this is what you could call, to put it lightly, a slay. I’m a bit in awe of it. The stance, the stepping, the hair flick, the swimsuit. The assignment was understood. I am both desperate to be her mate and scared shitless of her. Job well done.
See if the first impression of the Islanders of Love Island 2023 kicks off on Monday 5th June at 9pm. For all the latest Love Island news and gossip and for the best memes and quizzes, like The Holy Church of Love Island on Facebook.
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