An ultimate, definitive and extremely important ranking of the Mario princesses

Peach. Daisy. Rosalina. Three names, three vibes, three pivotally important female characters in the Mushroom Kingdom who between them rule, jump, pound and race their way around Mario games in a radiant streak of pink, yellow and blue. But which of the Mario princesses rules supreme? Who is truly the princess who reigns above all the others? Here is the ultimate, definitive rundown of all the Mario princesses, ranked by science, wisdom, logic and a bit of bias.

3. Rosalina

I don’t want to be horrible, but Rosalina is quite simply a nemesis of mine. This is a princess who does not slay in the slightest, and it seems if I do not accept her into the fold I will just get forced to endure her in every game possible since she started cropping up in all and sundry after Mario Galaxy. Rosalina has just become part of the furniture, and for what? What does she actually bring to the table? A horrible fringe and a shapeless dress? Do me a favour.

Annoying e-boys like to say she’s the best one because she’s as alternative as you can get in Mario games, but Rosalina is quite frankly the sh*t on my shoe. I hate that a lot of the times if I wanted to play as her I get lumped with a useless Luma blob alongside. We don’t need it! Also, she’s shite in Smash Bros. Sue me.

THE WILDCARD: PAULINA

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Not a princess no, but kind of like the Lana Del Rey of the Mushroom Kingdom and I’m sorry, we need to crown her. Paulina is the OG Mario lady, the one before Peach, the one who started it all. Since she got to sing her absolute bop in Mario Odyssey, Nintendo have been giving her the Rosalina treatment, only this time it feels right. It feels nice. I believe in Paulina supremacy.

I want her to conquer Mario Karts and Smash Bros. It’s nice having a leading lady who isn’t making me feel conflicted with my anti-monarchy belief system. We would stream the album.

2. Peach

I feel like there might be riots on the streets that the First Lady of video gaming isn’t at the top spot when it comes to Mario princesses ranked, and I do think any protesters are justified. Peach is worthy of it. She’s done her time, been through more trowma than Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween and spends more time kidnapped than she does in her castle. I adore Peach. She is gay safety. Sliding your joystick over her on Smash Bros or Mario Kart was and remains queer coded.

What keeps her from the top spot is an air of seriousness and uptightness that slightly puts me off. She’s the shit and she knows she’s the shit. Would she have a laugh with me if we went for a beer? Would she go home early and care more about boujie brunches and Instagram pics than a good time? I fear she may.

1. Daisy

The thinking man’s Princess Peach. If Peach is Beyoncé, Daisy is Solange. If Peach is Molly-Mae Hague, Daisy is Maura Higgins. The short glove says it all: She’s no ordinary princess. She does things differently – and by differently I mean a Farrah Fawcett hairstyle and a can-do attitude that makes you feel like she gets stuck in. She’s not arrogant, she’s a laugh. She’d have a pint with you on St Patrick’s Day, and do it because she wanted to. Peach would be like Kim K. Daisy’s just one of the lads.

I also love that her entire purpose exists just to do activities in Mario spin off games. She’s so multitalented. Love her.

All images credited to Nintendo.

@harrisonjbrock

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