The definitive ranking of all Mario Kart characters, based on nothing but vibes

I would enjoy a pint of Estrella with Bowser

1 year ago

Mario Kart has no business having this many characters, and even less business having so many of them be insufferable. Mario Kart 8 Deluxe has more characters than it knows what to do with, and half of them deserve to drive off Rainbow Road without the luxury of getting hoisted back to the track. Here’s my ranking of all Mario Kart 8 Deluxe characters, ranked based on nothing but vibes alone.

37. Wario

I don’t mean to be rude, but I won’t mince my words: Wario is a rancid pig and I want him nowhere fucking near me.

36. Bowser Jr

INSUFFERABLE.

35 and 34. Metal Mario and Pink Gold Peach

They were too busy seeing if they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should. Who asked for this? Who chooses this?

33 and 32. Tanooki Mario and Cat Peach

No kink shaming here, but these exist for Furries and Furries alone.

31. Donkey Kong

Never warmed to this big clobber ape rampaging around race tracks. The vibes aren’t good, and nor is having a BROWN kart. Poo brown.

30, 29, 28, 27, 26. All the Koopa Kids except Roy and Wendy

Just absolute hell. Place filler characters with the worst hair you’ve ever seen in your entire life. Not dignifying them with a picture.

25. All the babies

ROSALINA DOES NOT NEED A BABY VARIANT. NO ONE DOES! RELEASE ME FROM THIS HELL!

24. Dry Bowser

No corpses on the race course, thanks!

23. Inklings

All they do is spray ink everywhere – I have no time for messy little brats I’m afraid.

22. Lakitu

Not only is he very old, how on earth is he racing AND on duty to hoist out people who drive off edges? Why is he in two places at once? Unnerving. Will not be ranked high amongst the other Mario Kart characters for that exact reason.

21. Mii

Had to put this near the middle of the pack, because it’s so situational. What if your Mii is an absolute knob head? What if they’re the most fun person I’ve ever met? It’s all too temperamental.

20. Villagers

Quite ominous in the way these two generic male and female Animal Crossing obelisks just smile blankly at you. I’m unnerved.

19. Rosalina

I love the girlies, but she’s a nemesis of mine. I sense a superiority complex and a nasty streak as wide as that vile fringe.

18. Koopa Troopa

Looks like a solid dependable friendly guy that I would trust doing favours for me. Like the kind of fella you’d bell up to help you move house or something? Ol’ reliable.

17. Dry Bones

I know I said no corpses on the race course, but I’m making an exception for Dry Bones’ effortlessly laid back cool dude vibe.

16. Toadette

Whilst I’m sure she means well, there’s an evil, know-it-all, Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone era Hermione energy to Toadette which makes me feel like she’d suck the fun out of every room and tell on you in school if you had a ciggy round the back of the bike sheds.

15. Shy Guy

I admire a man of eternal mystery and Shy Guy is an impenetrable force of mystique that endless intrigues, fascinates and slightly terrifies me.

14. Bowser

Although he’s a mass kidnapper, I do think there’s an innate hoot-ness living inside the Koopa King. I just thin despite all his villainous shortcomings he’d still somehow be, at the end of the day, a bit of a laugh.

13. Waluigi

The quirky e-girl’s fave.

12. Isabelle

She’s kind of like the English teacher that all gay people come out to, so yes, we do like her. But do we want her hanging around with our friendship groups? Not really.

11. Mario

Just your average friendly smiley fella! A bit boring but he’s happy to be there! The vibes are pleasant!

10. Peach

Peach in the normal dress? It’s giving bitch. Peach on a motorbike in her leather geish? Okay, motomami!

9. Link

We all love Link. We don’t know why he’s here, but we’re happy that he is. The vibes get a shot of adrenaline when he turns up. King.

8. King Boo

Something about driving around as a non corporeal royal spectre just brings me endless joy. Does he fake hold the wheel? It’s so cute.

7. Roy

Which way to the rave, baby! Let’s get two stepping. Pass me a Red Stripe.

6. Wendy

The Koopa Kids who wear pink slay hardest – Wendy gobbles up the track with her bangles, her turtle feet shoved into some Mushroom Kingdom equivalent of Louboutins and a Drag Race-calibre lip and bow combo. The gay agenda.

5. Yoshi

Everyone is a little bit TOO obsessed with him for my liking, but I can’t deny that when it comes to Mario Kart characters ranked by their vibes, the vibes are certainly there. Hard to truly hate the little dinosaur, isn’t it?

4. Toad

Absolutely insufferably adorable. Love him so much. The thinking man’s Yoshi. Deserves better than that little nerd Toadette. The Toad at the Gaga concert video is for the ages.

3. Daisy

The thinking man’s Peach. Icon.

2. Birdo

The fact she’s officially, canonically one of The Dolls is legendary – and the fact it’s taken so long for Ms Bling Ring herself to be added to Mario Kart 8 Deluxe is an international travesty. She’s here now though, and we bow at the later of our trans queen with the big honker on her face. Love. And she comes in multiple colours! THE SLAY!