You can’t say you live in a uni house unless you own at least 30/58 of these things

God bless the holy Sports Direct mug

4 years ago

Tom Haynes, Lucy Woodham, Lydia Venn & Harry Ainsworth

There comes a time in every uni student’s life where they have to leave the womb of freshers’ halls and move into an abode of their own. Moving into a uni house is the first real time you’ve fended for yourself and truth be told you’re making it up as you go along. But because you are, in reality, an oversized child, you end up filling your home with some stuff that is just nonsensical, never mind impractical. We’re talking comedy dildos, weird inflatables, literal kilograms of dried pasta you’ll never get through. Check off the following items as you read this article, and despair at how much of a stereotype you are:

1. Traffic cone

Fun at the time, annoying after.

2. Stein 2x pint glass stolen from Bierkeller

Which you fill up with squash. Delicious.

3. Traffic sign

Omfg guys remember when we had a beeeeeeeeer? I fucken love beers and getting wasted. What a fun Instagram story that was. You suggest to your housemate you should bin and or return the traffic sign but then they panic. What if you’re seen? You could be ARRESTED and maybe SHOT???? We can’t handle prison. The sign stays.

4. Chilli sauces (just me?)

All of them are a bit crusty at the top.

5. And a really basic spice rack, owned by the house chef

And boy oh boy do they NOT like you using it. It stays at the BACK of their cupboard. They have purposefully tried to hide it with a big bottle of (very nice) olive oil (which you use on the reg when they’re at the gym). If they get a whiff of one of the spices they’ll be straight on the house chat saying “guys, who has used my Chinese five-spice again?”

6. A washing machine that isn’t properly integrated into the kitchen surface/cabinets

Sounds a bit like a dubstep track when it’s on spin.

7. A Tesco Basics three-pack of wooden cooking implements

Just you wait to see what I manage to whip up with just these three things.

8. A cupboard full of noodles of some variety

Not to be rude to you and disrespect your skillz, but you are actually incapable of softening the noodles by boiling them and then frying them. You just aren’t.

9. Death everywhere: plants, rats, students

EVERYWHERE.

10. A dodgy old barbecue that’s been left to rot in the garden

Still gonna be using that bad boy as soon as it hits 16 degrees amirite??

11. A lovely collection of fag buts stuck into a pot/bottle/upturned frisbee

Do you like the smell of our new diffuser?

12. Remnants of the fireworks you thought it’d be a good idea to let off last November in the garden

Remember when you dropped all that dollar on fireworks just to be told by your dickweed neighbours you weren’t allowed to fire them unless they’d call the police? Well now look where we are.

13. Ikea bendy wooden chair

You know the one.

14. Multiple half open bottles of ketchup

And on the third day God said let there be Heinz. God continued to say this on ever subsequent shopping trip he went on until ye olde fridge was filled with naught but ketchup. Except it was not God who did this, it was your housemate Sophie and she probably needs to see someone about the ketchup thing because it’s kind of concerning.

15. A communal speaker sticky from old pre-drinks

No one is willing to give over their Bose that daddy bought last Christmas.

16. A long fabric beer mat/beer tap logo stolen from the pub

🤪

17. A comedy dildo that seems to just move around the house

You used to have two of these and would do funny sword fights then one mysteriously went missing and now the lonely sibling just kinda chills in the kitchen.

18. Some accessory from a dress-up night

It similarly floats around the house, whether it be a policeman hat on a shelf or a Hawaiian Leigh stuffed into the kitchen drawer for cocktail nights

19. Blow up sumo suits, blow up huge penises, blow up bananas, blow-up palm trees – all retrieved from various themed nights

You keep them lying around as a reminder you were fun once x

20. Fairy lights

Of course.

21. A Persian rug

Bought from IKEA for £60, giving the whole place that grown-up feel. On closer inspection, you’ll notice Kira’s sick and Michael’s toenail.

22. House plants

No one is willing to take full responsibility for them. They all die within one month. Their carcass left until the end of the year.

23. Tealights

Not technically allowed in the tenancy contract but you’re a rebel and you love the thrill.

24. A diffuser, probably from Primark

Instead of, you know, opening a window or buying a candle like an adult, you thought you’d be quirky and get something that makes your room even damper and more mould-baity than it already was. You quickly get sick of the one scent oil you could be bothered to buy and it ends up under your bed or something. Either that or you stop noticing the scent at all.

25. Photos from FreePrints that are covering every wall surface possible

They’re probably pics of your first holiday without parents in Magaluf or Ibiza and your home mates you don’t speak to anymore. Good times.

26. A set of discoloured crusty tea towels

They are beyond the point of washing. They’ve seen some horrible things, these tea towels. They are and will always be “the pre-drinks towels.”

27. TUPPERWARE

The tupperware lives in a special tupperware cupboard. In this special cupboard, you will find all sizes of plastic food containers. The fun thing is you have to play a game and try to match up the plastic lid to the box it nicely fits onto.

28. Shit knives, like REALLY shit

It would be quicker to cut your food with your fingernails than these.

29. Pint glasses you nicked from the pub

In fairness the pubs round here pocket so much of your hard earned loan they should have given you these by now as a thank you for your patronage. Remember when jack snuck that Carling one out by putting it in his boxers next to his actual cock? You’re drinking out of it!

30. An old, soft blanket that everyone fights over, despite it being absolutely disgusting

It’s the only source of warmth we have and I will fight to the death for it.

31. Mismatched pillows, all worth no more than a fiver, that you know are ugly but insist on keeping because they ‘brighten up the room’

Someone’s mum was having a clear-out of the attic and thought your student house was an appropriate place for them.

32. A clothes horse

These fucking suck.

33. Blu tack marks

Okay these are possessions but they manage to come with you everywhere, don’t they?

34. Empty shampoo bottles

Why does moving them from the shower floor to the bin seem like such a monumental task?

35. A poster purchased from the poster fayre in the SU

Either Pulp Fiction, those blokes sitting on a tower eating lunch looking over New York, a map of the world (maybe one you can scratch out!), Trainspotting or Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

36. Or a wall hanging someone brought back from their trip to Thailand

They actually bought it from Depop but their story fits with their gap yah aesthetic better.

37. A Sports Direct mug

Have a coffee out of one of these and you won’t sleep for 48 hours.

38. Extra points for a Sports Direct BOWL

These are actually really banging to eat pasta out of.

39. One bowl in the house, aside from the Sports Direct one, that is so perfect for pasta or anything that requires depth that the whole house fights to use

And then one day it breaks and everyone is genuinely upset.

40. Spiraliser

Never gets used, was a nice thought.

41. Nutribullet or some kind of blender

See above.

42. Jagermiester wall hanging

You know this looks ugly but keep it up anyway.

43. An ironing board

It will obviously never see the light of day.

44. A set of shot glasses you got for Christmas that you never use because why would you pour shot measures at home???

Your mum bought you these. Ooooo they’re all different colours. Shots shots shots shots shots am I right ladies? No. People at uni do not share alcohol that readily. It’s just not the done thing. You will never use these ever.

45. A row of empty bottles you think are aesthetic but are actually tragic as fuck

You have to wash them before you display them, George. Not only are they sticky, but when it gets hot they’ll start attracting flies. Ew.

46. A 10-year-old games console like a Wii or an XBox 360 that you only play really weird games on like Mario Party or Football Manager

It’s always the weed bois who do this. Given how much time you spend relaying Football Manager (this is where one of you starts playing in the morning, goes to uni for a lecture and tags someone in to keep playing, and so on until you’ve played for a full 12 hours) you’d buy a more up-to-date console. But weed bois do not think thoughts as rational as this.

47. A Monopoly board you never ever break out

Remember that one time Georgia got so enraged over Monopoly she threw the board at Charlie? No one ever spoke about it again, but there’s an unwritten agreement that no one suggests Monopoly again.

48. An empty photo frame you never end up filling

You convince yourself you’re going to take a lovely snap with your housemates and frame it but it never ends up happening, instead the frame stays empty until you all fall out and leave the house behind. Memories x

49. A painting that came with the house that’s objectively gross but you leave up anyway because you’re scared the landlord will sue (or possibly murder) you if you so much as move it

It’s probably Marylin Monroe.

50. A broken appliance like a microwave or a hoover you’re scared to throw away for the same reason

Even though fully functioning hoovers and microwaves already exist in the house, you’re too frightened to bin off the ones that obviously no longer work because a) you’re worried you’re just that thick you just can’t get it to work when it’s fine and b) you somehow think your landlord will have a go at you for cheesing him out of the money he could have got by… idk… selling it for scrap?

51. An oven glove that is so singed and battered by the end of the year you wonder whether it’s actually hygienic to touch it

There was that one time one of you literally left it on the hob and it basically burned away. Guys, you could replace it for like three quid. Have some respect for yourselves.

52. A CHONKY bag of dried rice/pasta/noodles that’s still full by the end of the year

You will never ever finish it.

53. An item of clothing one of you kept from a boy you shagged

You hope he’ll come back to get it, but he never will… he never will

54. Own brand squash

You use it to accompany every meal you cook yourself, you use it to mix your drinks. It’s the only way you can tolerate the foreign water of your uni city, but you never ever get over just how cheap it tastes. Try as you might you just can’t admit to yourself it tastes anything other than awful. Go on mate, Robinsons is like 50p more expensive. Live a little.