Vote: Which uni is categorically the fittest in the UK?

This is the only league table you need


On a presumably hot and sunny day in Ancient Greece, Plato sat his mates down and told them about the ideal form of beauty. Supposedly, this ideal, the very essence of beauty itself, exists in some world far from our own where we can’t see it, and the fitties of Athens strutting about in their togas could only ever hope to reflect this ideal. Well I can confidently tell you Plato was full of shit, because the ideal form of beauty does in fact exist in our present day reality. It’s right here, on thetab.com, under the headline ‘Is anyone hungry? Because Fallowfield’s Fittest round four are all tasty snacks.’

Fallowfield’s Fittest serves to highlight two important things: 1) students these days are far more attractive than is honestly reasonable, and 2) most of them apparently go to Manchester. But then – BAM – here’s Smithdown Spiciest in Liverpool, looking all edgy and fit, then WHAM here’s Lenton, brazenly declaring that it is in fact Nottingham students who are the cream of the crop. Wtf is going on???

The time has come to decide once and for all which uni is the fittest, and I’m not talking about pretty buildings because honestly no one cares. We’re talking about the people. The fit lifeblood of our higher education institutions. That’s what matters. It is not for me, however, to make that call. This must be decided democratically. Below you’ll find a case made for every university in terms of how fit its students are. Please hear them out, then immediately vote for your own uni because you can’t handle the truth. 

CAMBRIDGE

Cambridge students are not as cool as their Oxford counterparts and they know this. They do however have a competition every year where they get their bums out AND this LGBT+themed fashion shoot is extreme vibes. 

ST ANDREWS

Picture blue shirts, cement coloured chinos, and a big floppy fringe. This is how literally every St Andrews student dresses – the girls too. The undergrads of Prince Will’s alma mater are very old school (literally they all went to very old private schools), and look like they’d fit in quite nicely at the Henley Regatta, on the edges far away from all those scary Oxbridge grads.

OXFORD

Oxford tends to weed out the fit people in the interview process, although there are a few exceptions that prove the rule. Tbh if you’re going to get a golden ticket to any grad scheme on this and any other planet you have to give up something.

DURHAM

It would be very easy to write off Durham as people who wear signet rings on both hands but in actuality they are a massive vibe and no I don’t like admitting this either. Observe:

These are models from their charity fashion show – we’re talking drip, we’re talking diversity, we’re talking lots of other things that don’t spring to your mind when you think of Durham.

LANCASTER

Was in two minds about Lancs then I saw this guy Will on their eligible bachelor competition (pictured above) and now I’m in 1.5 minds about them so how’s that?

WARWICK

Warwick students definitely end up very rich, and yes the rowers are really fit so yeah why not show the rowers some love?

EXETER

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Safer Sex Ball 🧜🏻‍♀️ #ssb #deepsea

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Look if you have very basic tastes (there’s nothing wrong with that, honestly, welcome to my church) then you’ll like Exeter. Big beefy bois and Barbie girls are the order of the day. Terrible dress sense, but that doesn’t matter at the Safer Sex Ball where they all get their kit off.

LEEDS

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Tis the golden hour 🔆

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Think of Leeds students like investments. Sure their eyes are a bit sunken from all the nights spent mashed on delicious drugs but one day they’ll get a lovely job in a lovely company and the colour will come back to their faces. Just give them time.

GLASGOW

Glasgow Uni is one of the most beautiful places on earth, and I think students there don’t want to distract from that. To that end they’re quite into jeans and nice tops. They do have a fashion show, but it’s not as cool as Durham’s sorry.

COVENTRY

Bit edgy. Bit gross. Probably would thank you for a half a gram of coke cut with half a gram of actual flour.

BIRMINGHAM

Brum’s brand of fit is what you would call attainable fit. Like, you’d see them in Sainsbury’s in Selly Oak and think ‘wow you are really fit’, then you could go home, match them on Tinder, go on a date with them, shag, get married, raise a family, and grow old together. Also, last year the fittest four girls at British unis as voted for by Tab readers were all from Birmingham Uni so make of that what you will.

LINCOLN

Ummmmmmm… Pass?

NOTTINGHAM

Now I wasn’t kidding when I say the sight of Lenton’s fittest students was a paradigm-shifting moment for me. Like that moment when Buzz in Toy Story realises he can’t fly and his world is turned upside down. Anyway, you might think Notts and think: Exeter knock-off, right? Well in a lot of ways you’re not far off but in terms of pure fitness we’re talking different leagues. Notts students are apparently all models??? Just look at them.

YORK

Ahh York. You know what? The mums of York students all think they’re the handsomest in the world, and who are we to tell them otherwise?

UCL

Not as fit as King’s (they know this).

BRISTOL

Deep in your soul you know whether you find Bristol-types attractive. Think posh, ket, chains, more ket, ambitions to be an amateur DJ, a sprinkling of more ket, and a private school education they’re ashamed of but will happily one day rely on to get a job in accountancy. 

SOUTHAMPTON

Probably as grungy as Coventry, but less mouldy if you get what I mean. Soton students know how to have a good time, and fit people have been known to go there, but they also have very untidy bedrooms to pick your poison.

EDINBURGH

Very clean, very posh, very woke. Edinburgh students live in suits and gowns and wouldn’t be seen dead outside in the Meadows without their hair done and their skin clear. Also Arthur Chatto aka young fit royal goes there which is definitely reason of itself to vote Edi.

UEA

Look I’ve been to Norwich and I will say I admire the way the students there have this weird obsession with recreating their ugly campus on Minecraft and the Sims. Are they fit? Maybe. Like, I’d be happy with a Norwich student as an in-law. How’s that?

BROOKES

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see you in 5 days**

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Brookes students will break your heart, and you’ll love it. A bit like Exeter just with less protein and pretentiousness. You’ll find one in the smoking area of Fishies, possibly twirling a ciggie around their signet ring or nonchalantly inviting nearby peasantry to join them at daddy’s estate. Much fitter than Uni of, and better in bed, too.

ABERDEEN

The least fit of the Scottish unis, and it wasn’t exactly a fair fight to begin with. Sorry, lads.

NEWCASTLE

Being fit is actually a prerequisite for entry into Newcastle, a fact which is self evident in the following photos:

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2-4-1 pints doing bad things to good men 🏝

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Hot tubs. Hot guys. Butters girls. 😘

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CARDIFF

Would fuckin’ love a VK right now tbf

I don’t think you’d be disappointed marrying a Cardiff student but there’s nothing really to distinguish their brand of fit from the other (better) Russell Group unis.

MANCHESTER

There are many words I could use to describe the students of Manchester. Instead I will present you with the following images and leave you to make up your own mind.

Put your tongue away.

SUSSEX

Quite wavy, inoffensive, think they’re quite #BrightonFashun (they’re not.) Probably wouldn’t vote for them here, they’re a bit too niche.

ROYAL HOLLOWAY

There really isn’t much to be said about how fit RHUL is other than the ladies completely steal the show. 

BOURNEMOUTH

Are BU students fit or is it just… sunny? Sadly Bournemouth students will forever sit in the shadow of the neighbouring Arts uni, where the students are on the whole much better looking.

SHEFFIELD

Sheff boys are all called things like Eliot or Dan. They’ll hold your hair back while you’re vomiting sure, and they all have very nice boy haircuts, but that’s about it. Girls who go to Sheffield learn how to fight quite early on in their uni careers so vote for Sheff if that’s your thing I guess?

LIVERPOOL

Liverpool students make up for looks with excellent dress sense. We’re talking dungarees, we’re talking rings of the non signet variety, we’re talking banging handbags. Smithdown Road is basically a really really long runway.

QUEEN’S BELFAST

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Two species exist at QUB: People who like reading, and people who like breaking things. How does this manifest looks-wise? Well for some it means brown boots and shirts tucked into jeans. Everyone else there dresses how you think people at Durham dress.

KING’S

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Fitter than UCL and aware of it too, King’s students’ fitness is measured in potential energy. You know they’re gonna end up in some sexy law firm or… some other sexy law firm and this is your opportunity to hitch a ride on their success story. 

VOTE

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