Tall Girl is the absolute dumbest film ever made and these moments prove it
Why do they all go to an escape room to make out?
Netflix has been on fantastic form recently: We’ve had Falling Inn Love, which starred a really fit guy from New Zealand, Top Boy which is really gritty and full of murder, and Unbelievable – a gripping dramatisation of a serious story.
Then there’s Tall Girl, a film about how hard it is to be a tall girl. Yup.
Honestly it defies belief people sat in a room and agreed this film should ever exist. Based on its premise alone, Tall Girl has already been pretty badly savaged by Twitter, but when you actually sit down and watch it you realise it just might be the worst film ever made. It’s like every line dares you to bail and watch something – anything – else. These are all of those moments, laid bare for every ounce of stupidity they’re worth:
JODIE BEING TALL IS ALL ANYONE IN THIS FILM EVER TALKS ABOUT
Okay let’s get the obvious out of the way. Tall Girl’s entire premise lacks any self awareness – like, at all. Jodie might be over six foot, but she’s a beautiful, straight, white, able-bodied girl with a well-meaning family. Also she’s rich as fuck and lives in what is basically a mansion. So yeah all the sympathy we’re meant to feel for Jodie lands somewhere in the dictionary between “shit” and “syphilis.”
The real crime, though, is just how much is the film is devoted to reiterating how tall Jodie is. Even after the volley of “how’s the weather up there” jokes in the film's first two minutes, every other conversation comes back around to Jodie’s height. These people honestly talk about nothing else and it's exhausting.
THE SHORT GUY CARRIES AROUND A MILK CRATE FOR THE ENTIRE FILM WITH THE SOLE PURPOSE OF GETTING WITH JODIE AT THE END OF IT
He even admits at the end of the film this is why he has it. That is quite creepy, imo.
ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH THE FILM HE FUCKING YEETS THE MILK CRATE AT SOMEONE AND MISSES
How can you miss? You carry that thing around with you everywhere you moron!!!
JODIE’S BFF IS TREATED LIKE PURE SHIT FOR THE ENTIRE FILM
Honestly I did not remember what her name was by the end but this poor girl is nothing but lovely and supportive throughout the film. Every line she speaks is an encouragement to Jodie, and how does Jodie repay her? By stiffing her in favour of hanging out with cool people in an escape room and flushing the toilet to drown out what she says. Rude.
At the film's emotional climax Jodie gives this big speech where she declares how fine it is that she’s tall but mystifyingly never apologises to her mate. The injustice.
IT WAS DECIDED JODIE’S SISTER NEEDED TO USE NASAL SPRAY EVERY TIME SHE’S ON SCREEN FOR NO ADEQUATELY EXPLORED REASON
You’d think there would be a scene where she suffered an allergic reaction and Jodie and Stig would bond carrying her to hospital or something, but it never happens. She’s just there. Spraying away.
THE SWEDISH GUY ISN’T ACTUALLY SWEDISH AND HIS ACCENT IS OFFENSIVELY BAD
His real name is Luke Eisner and he’s from Wisonsin. The fact that he’s not Swedish makes his parroting of Swedish stereotypes even more outrageous.
AND HE DEFINITELY WOULD NOT CALL JODIE 'YODIE' ALL THE TIME
Europeans can pronounce the letter J you guys!!!
STIG WALKING INTO THE CLASS AND DOING CHEMISTRY CAUSES EVERYONE CREAM THEIR PANTS
Look I don’t care how good at chemistry he is, there is not a single human on this earth who would walk into a class and start drawing diagrams on a blackboard rather than – oh I don't know – introduce themselves. That shit is a big red flag.
JODIE’S DAD INVITES A TALL PEOPLE CLUB TO THEIR HOUSE TO MAKE HER FEEL BETTER
A club. comprised. of. tall people.
THERE IS A MOMENT WHEN JODIE SAYS ‘WHAT AM I WATCHING’ AND TBH SAME
Do you think this moment was ad-libbed? I think it’s genuine.
WAS IT REALLY NECESSARY FOR JODIE AND STIG TO SING A DUET?
As if it wasn’t enough the two of them bonded over musicals of all things they have to sing together too? I’m going to be sick.
ACTUALLY YOU KNOW WHAT EVERY SCENE INVOLVING A PIANO WAS DEEPLY CLAPPED
One night Jodie comes home upset, and rather than talk to her, her dad starts playing the piano. Jodie then wordlessly joins him and the two of them start playing piano together. It is fucked up.
WHY DO ALL THE KIDS GO TO AN ESCAPE ROOM TO SIT IN A CIRCLE AND KISS
Is this what Netflix thinks Gen Z kids do with their lives now? Because Jesus Christ it is horrible.
THE SHORT GUY BUYS JODIE SOME HEELS FROM A DRAG QUEEN SHOP
You did not have to tell her they were from a drag queen shop you absolute tool.
THEN WHEN HE DELIVERS THEM TO JODIE HE PRONOUNCES KARATE ‘KARATAYY’
Somehow this is more offensive than him going into her room while she’s asleep and stroking her head.
STIG ENDS UP BEING THE BAD GUY EVEN THOUGH IT’S THE SHORT GUY WHO ENABLES EVERYTHING BAD HE DOES IN THE FILM
Right serious point here. Stig enters the film as a bit of a can-do-no-wrong figure. He’s very nice to the short guy who he ends up staying with (I’m sorry I don’t remember his name) and is also really nice to Jodie. He quickly becomes popular due to being a handsome bloke, but doesn’t let it stop him being a pal to the down-trodden.
Short guy, who high-key wants to get with Jodie, encourages Stig to embrace his newfound popularity at the school and then manipulates him into suppressing his feelings for Jodie. At one point he sabotages their date by loudly blending food in the next room.
As a result of the manipulation, Stig becomes a bit of an arsehole, and humiliates Jodie in front of a crowd, but lest we forget it was the short guy who led him down this dark path.
Stig duly apologises after realising his mistake, but Jodie still bins him off and gets with the short guy anyway, who ultimately ends up completely getting away with all his shithousery.
A SUBTITLE APPEARS FOR THE WORD ‘CIAO’
Thank you Tall Girl, for teaching me Italian.