107 things every fresher should under no circumstance do, EVER
Don’t trust those Christian Union people, even when they give you a free toastie
Limitless drinking. Nightclubs. Making new friends. Starting university is exciting and comes with a previously unknown freedom. But this comes with a whole host of possible mistakes you could make.
Rather than you posting stupid questions on university freshers pages (which should probably be mistake number one tbh), we've devised a list of all the mistakes to avoid.
There are exactly 107 rules. Each are as important as the next. By not breaking these rules you'll be well on your way to avoiding a whole heap of embarrassment. However, when you inevitably break some of them just remember it's probably not that deep.
1. Don't buy a Freshers' wristband
No, you won't end up going to the foam party, it's not cool anymore.
2. Don't cheat on your long-term boyfriend or girlfriend at home, just break up with them before
They're probably gonna cheat on you anyway.
3. When you do break up with them, don't talk about them all the time because no one cares
Literally zero people came to university to deal with your relationship issues.
4. Don't forget to line your stomach before a night out
Starving yourself isn't worth the projectile vomiting on the dance floor.
5. Don't talk about how 'broke' you are 24/7
Everyone is broke in this economy so just get a massive overdraft and stop complaining.
6. Don't be a massive Tory
But if you insist, just know it might hinder your friend-making abilities.
7. Don't talk about weed all the time
Conversations about the devil's lettuce are really not that interesting.
8. Don't feel bad about ditching that one weird friend you made during Freshers' Week
If you don't, the stalking will just get worse and worse.
9. Don't bother with Freshers' Week lectures
There's nothing worse than having to leg it out of a lecture to chunder.
10. Do not under any circumstances sleep with a flatmate
If it goes badly, which it will, you're gonna have to put up with them for the rest of the academic year.
11. Don't get a boyfriend or girlfriend in the first week of uni
Boring. And you'll definitely break up one week before you graduate.
12. Do not ask someone what they studied at A-level as an icebreaker conversation
Where does the convo go after you establish you both studied Geography? Don't embarrass yourself chatting away about oxbow lakes and scree.
13. Or tell them about your trip to Thailand
You're not the only one, and tbh nobody gives a fuck.
14. Don't reveal your deepest, darkest secrets with the complete strangers from the flat across the road
Nothing worse than seeing people on campus you've spoken to once, and it was to tell them you shagged your best friend's boyfriend.
15. Don't get attached to your freshers fling
Trust us, they're going to sack you off by week three.
16. Don't steal your flatmates drinks
Just buy your own for fucks sake.
17. Don't clean up sick with the vacuum
There's nothing worse than not being able to use the vacuum all year because it has had mouldy sick in it since freshers.
18. Don't try and become a DJ
The last thing the world needs is another middle-class white boy who wants to become a DJ. Okay, so there are like a few DJs needed at each uni, but it shouldn't be you.
19. Don't become a club promoter
You can't be skint already. Everyone will hate you and you'll probably end up dropping out of uni because you've lost all your friends to £1 off entry and cheap shots.
20. Don't panic if you don't get on with everyone immediately
It's literally impossible to like everyone you meet at uni, some of them will be dickheads.
21. Don't join the gym
If you can't make a 9am why do you think you'll make it to the gym?
22. Don't sign up to a sports team and spend hundreds on the kit
Look unless you're genuinely good at sport like borderline could get a scholarship, don't bother. You'll spend all your money on lame kit and rather than play, be forced to eat dog food and swim in your own shit.
23. And don't wear uni sport stash around campus unless you're in the 1sts
Absolutely no-one is impressed you're in the cricket 3rd team.
24. If you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, don't visit them every weekend or constantly talk about them
25. Don't tell everyone you're skint all the time when you're quite clearly not
People are gonna see straight through you, especially when your third ASOS order of the week comes through and you keep trying to convince everyone to go into the shite VIP part of the club.
26. Don't get excited about VIP areas of clubs and Insta Story the whole lot
It's nowhere near as fun as Made In Chelsea made it out to be.
27. Don't deny shagging someone in halls
Everyone heard you. Literally everyone.
28. Don't dress up as a chav for a social
It's not funny and it's just plain offensive.
29. Don't bring up the north/south divide
It's a serious issue and can be saved for when we are all actually good friends.
30. Under NO circumstances should you punch someone in the queue for Maccies for being a southerner.
It's just not on, is it?
31. Do not try to reinvent yourself
You don't even own a skateboard, wearing a backwards cap on the first day will not make the skater kids want to hang out with you.
32. Don't talk about politics
Nobody cares that you would rather die than vote Tory.
33. Don't base your whole personality around being into something bland
This list includes but is not limited to: dogs, pizza, coffee, travelling, drugs, being a DJ, veganism.
34. Don't pretend to know about drugs
"Yeah I take the weed all the time."
35. Don't be really intense when you're playing drinking games
There's no point telling you not to play drinking games, but when somebody has slightly different rules to you this isn't the time to insist that the ball has to bounce in beer pong.
36. Don't forget your halls key
Sure, this is a really boring one to add in this list but can you really afford being fined £50 a pop?
37. Don't get caught with drugs
Peak when you have a disciplinary meeting in your first week of uni.
38. Don't throw up in a taxi
Another £50 gone!!!!
39. Don't actually try hard for exams or coursework
Revel in that 40 per cent pass mark my friend x
40. Don't agree to move in with people for second year after knowing them for less than a month
You'll hate them by the end of freshers and will spend the rest of term actively avoiding them and the "when shall we start looking for houses!" discussion.
41. Don't try and hide how middle class you are
No amount of charity shop clothes will hide the hefty Ocado food shop you arrived with or when you Deliveroo a GBK twice a week.
42. Don't go home to visit your family all the time
Do you not know what FOMO is? Everyone knows someone that goes home way too much and tbh they're just a bit weird.
43. Don't shag your flatmate
And I'm not going to tell you again, and again and again. So don't come crying to me when he breaks your heart and you have to avoid him in the kitchen all year.
44. Don't join every society you see at the Freshers' Fair
You may think Ultimate Frisbee looks cool now, but next thing you know you've paid £100 for the stash and you can't even wear it around campus as it's social suicide. Plus, when you stop going after two weeks, being on their mailing list for the next three years will slowly drive you insane.
45. Don't keep banging on about your friends from home
No one knows who they are and more importantly nobody cares either.
46. Don't say no to going out with new people
The whole point of freshers is to make new friends.
47. Don't hide in your room all week
Go out and socialise with your new flatmates, you'll become friends faster
and you won't end up being left out of plans.
48. Don't invite your parents round
Your new flatmates won't want two middle agers popping round when they’re trying to relax or do drugs or whatever these kids are doing nowadays.
49. Don't lie about literally everything
Once people spot a bullshitter they will either get rid of them or embarrass them when they're exposed.
50. Don't burn incense all the time
Not only can everybody outside your room smell it, but it also doesn't make you interesting.
51. Under no circumstances set off the fire alarm
You know how you wanted to get to know people? They way to do that is not at 3am when everyone's huddled outside in their pyjamas and you feel a crushing sense of guilt for trying to make toast.
52. Don't piss everyone off by being really good at cooking
Just live off beige food like the rest of us.
53. Don't play along with horrific racism just to fit in
You'll end up in a Tab article and render yourself completely unemployable.
54. Don't tell everyone how much of a heavy drinker you are back home
They don't care, unless you're gonna show us how you can sink a pint in three seconds, otherwise keep it to yourself.
55. When you get home for Christmas, don't spend the whole time telling funny stories from your first term to your home mates
You will all do this and it's completely pointless as nobody has met your uni friends.
56. Don't try and organise a ridiculously *fun* drinking game
Everyone has different Ring of Fire rules, and all of them are wrong. Just don't play it, that's the golden rule.
57. Don't bring your dumb hometown slang to uni
Look, your silly words for drugs won't cut it here.
58. Don't say you're from London if you're not from London
Kent – not London. Surrey – not London. Hertfordshire – not London.
59. Don't rap along to the N-word in the club if you're white
"But if Kanye West can say it why can't I????" Because you're white and that would be racist hun x
60. Don't try to reinvent yourself with a new name to seem more interesting
It's weird how none of your home friends call you Tilly, Matilda.
61. Just because you're northern does't mean you're salt of the Earth
So many northerners will present themselves as humble and down to Earth, just regular ruddy northerners. But then when you visit their family home in the Easter holidays and it turns out they live in a countryside mansion the illusion is shattered.
62. Don't take water bottles on a night out
"Look at me, I take drugs."
63. Don't pretend to be from a less posh part of London to seem cool
You're not from Peckham, you grew up in leafy Dulwich. You're not from Brixton, your parents raised you in Herne Hill. Fuck off Esmerelda, you flare-wearing trust fund moron.
64. Don't pretend your home friends are anything other than the same boring, middle class caricatures that everyone else grew up around
Unless they're fit.
65. Don't force yourself into the position of the pre-J (pre-drinks DJ)
No one like this music and no one thinks you're cool for forcing it onto everyone.
66. Don't come back on a walk of shame from 9am onwards the next day
Everyone's going to be walking to lectures between 9-5, the bin men will be around, security are watching your every move. Just get up early or leave after your shag to avoid all embarrassment.
67. Don't wear heels
You'll have to go home at 1am because your feet hurt and that's not fun.
68. Don't think you won't need an overdraft
It's basically just free money!!!!!!
69. Don't be that flatmate that gets comfortable really quickly and starts farting and burping all the time
You'll just be remembered for it, and that's not a good rep to have for three years tbh.
70. Don't forget to wash your bedsheets
Months of embedded hangover sweats do not make for an enticing place to bring someone back after a night out.
71. Don't just live off frozen pizza for an entire year
I know it's easy to let go and become a uni sad boy, but you're life will be infinitely better if you learn to cook at least one dish. Your body will thank you for it.
72. Don't join a student political party
People join political parties because they don't get invited to real ones.
73. Don't wear a signet ring
They automatically make you seem like a bit of a nob and you're only wearing it because it's bad form to say "I went to private school" out loud all the time.
74. Don't start worrying about your career and what you're going to do after uni
Leave the anxiety and existential crises until second and third year, where they belong. Remember, in first year you're there for a good time, not a long time.
75. Don't buy all the recommended textbooks for your course
The library has them all for free dummy!!
76. Don't ask on freshers groups whether you need to bring a full-length mirror with you to uni
Most of the time you're not going to want to look and see what a hungover mess you are.
77. Don't get absolutely fucked on the first night
You'll be known as the liability and you'll stop being invited on nights out.
78. Don't wear walking/hiking boots as actual footwear
A disturbing number of politics students do this and I have no fucking idea why.
79. Don't bring premium beverages to pre-drinks with you on the first night
80. Don't watch vine compilations at pre-drinks
Save it for the next morning when they can soothe your hangover.
81. Don't be really into Toto's Africa
If we're honest with ourselves (even for just a second) let's admit that it's not actually that good a song and we only pretend to like it so we can avoid the desperate feeling of being alone in this big scary world.
82. Don't let the Christian Union bribe you with free toasties
As a follower of the Nazarene myself, I implore you not to trust these unregulated toastie salesmen.
83. Don't try and become a BNOC
It's cringe as fuck and everyone will hate you for it
84. Don't bring every piece of clothing you own with you
Most of it will sit in the corner of your room never to be touched, at least until you're too broke to afford to do laundry.
85. Don't waste money buying new stationery
When you were starting a new school year sure, buying loads of new stationery was how you got your kicks. But now just a humble ballpoint pen will suffice for the lecture notes you're definitely going to be making.
86. Don't take every freebie at Freshers' Fair
There's only so many free mugs from the local bus company you can store in one kitchen.
87. Don't buy branded alcohol
Put down that can of Strongbow, my friend, and let me introduce you to a little something we like to call Taurus cider.
88. Don't beg people in the smoking area to buy a cigarette off them for £1
Fuck off before I put mine out on your eyeball.
89. And don't for the love of God say you're a social smoker
Either you're getting lung cancer with the rest of us or get lost.
90. Don't wear your lads/gals holiday group t-shirt from Ayia Napa
Burn it. Now.
91. Don't refer to girls as 'birds'
Hello? Is that the 1950s? Yep, one of your lot ended up in 2018, please come and collect him.
92. Don't brag about what a top shagger you are
It's possibly the biggest clue that you're actually not getting very much.
93. Don't wear backwards caps
Are you American? Are you heading out to catch some Pokémon? No? Well take it off then.
94. Don't not go on a night out because you have a 9am the next morning
This is intensely annoying but not as bad as this next one.
95. Don't come to pre-drinks if you're not coming out
Such an important issue we actually wrote an entire article about it.
96. Don't bang on about what school you went to
We all know that you're the queen and we're the sorry people.
97. Don't fail to make friends with people on your course
Yeah they might be massive nerds but they'll come in handy when you miss the majority of your lectures and desperately need to photocopy someone's notes.
98. Don't scrounge off your flatmates constantly
Just suck up the courage and ask your parents for an extra £50 to get you through the month.
99. Don't talk down to BA students just because you study a BSC
You may be more employable but who wants a job anyway!
100. Don't join the rowing club
It's not a vibe.
101. Don't bring a car to uni
Probably easier to just write "I'm a massive Tory" on your forehead and be done with it.
102. Don't buy an entire pizza after a night out
You'll run out of money before you know it, people will scrounge slices off you, it will inevitably get dropped as you're getting in/out of the taxi. It's not worth the hassle, just stick to some cheesy chips.
103. Don't bring a guitar
The last thing I want to hear at 4am after getting back from a night out is you struggling to play Wonderwall.
104. Don't say banter, ever
If you do I can't promise that I wont throw up.
105. Don't beg people on Facebook to donate to your charity fundraiser
If you want to go to Machu Picchu so desperately just pay for it yourself.
106. Moan about how many lab hours you have
No-one made you sign up to do Biochemistry.
107. Don't go on about how much you miss your dog
It's not as cute as you think it is and will be dead within 10 years anyway.
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