Which Christmas chocolate is your uni?
The one festive question you’ve always wanted to know the answer to
What's the best bit about Christmas? The films? The time spent with loved ones? Listening to Fairytale of New York on repeat all day every day?
No, idiot, it's those gigantic tubs of miniature chocolates!
Quality Street, Celebrations, Heroes. I don't care which brand it is are as long as I can eat them until I feel sick and then keep on going.
But one question that's never been answered, or asked if we're totally honest, is: "If these individually-wrapped pieces of confectionary where UK universities, which one would be which?"
Luckily, we've done some soul searching and figured out which Christmas confectionary has the same, undeniable characteristics as each UK university. You're welcome.
Chocolate Toffee Finger – Leeds
Tall skinny blondes who everyone absolutely loves. Leeds girls always stand out from the crowd. They can’t quite bear to adhere to the dress code (being a long thin thing rather than normal-shaped like the rest of us) making them the edgiest and most popular. The envy of the entire box.
Orange Crunch – Uni of Manchester
Crunching on these fizzy rocks at Christmas time is like your first bomb of MD in freshers. What excitement, what joy! The Christmas lights, how they twinkle. Until the box is all gone and you’re left sad and alone on a tangy comedown.
Orange Creme – Man Met
Like orange crunch, but didn’t hold its shit together in its formative years. Now, after going way too hard and not worrying about the structural integrity of your body or studies, your brain has been left a complete mush. Really fun and a bit mental, but you only really want one.
Malteasers Teaser – Newcastle
Fun and bubbly! They are the best sweet of all the christmas confectionary, it’s not even up for discussion. Everyone at Newcastle always seems to be having a good time, probably because they’re always hammered. Just like how you will spend the entire Christmas period absolutely shitfaced and eating all of the Malteaser Teasers first.
Mars – Liverpool
You know it’s there, and you respect it as an old-timer in the Russell Group crowd, but you would never actually choose it. You just kind of end up at Liverpool. You’re not gutted when you go there, but when it’s either a Mars or a Bounty left at the end of the box, the choice is clear.
Bounty – Cardiff
Everyone knows it’s shit, can it even be considered chocolate when it’s got that much bland coconut in it? It’s always the one left, lonely, at the bottom with all the rest of the empty wrappers. But some people fucking love it. I don't know why, and am equally flummoxed by people who love being at Cardiff Uni.
Coconut Eclair – Exeter
Coconut Eclair sounds exotic and exciting, but it lacks substance, it’s very bland. When someone tells you they go to Exeter you are impressed, but why? Have you ever actually been to Exeter? It’s as uneventful as a coconut eclair. Yeah it’s got a nice Pizza Express, but where doesn’t?
Toffee Penny – Cambridge
Getting into Cambridge might be hard, but toffee pennies are even more difficult to get into. Chewing through them is an arduous task, rivalled only by the overwhelming amount of hand-ins you get at this prestigious university. Also, toffee pennies are gold like all the money you will get when you finally graduate from Cambridge. Hello retiring before every other inferior student has even paid off their student loan.
Green Triangle – York
Can you remember what flavour the green triangle is? Can you remember a York student having a personality? Just because York is in the Russell Group it doesn’t mean it’s an amazing uni. Just like if the green triangle wasn’t amongst such illustrious company such as the chocolate toffee finger and the fudge one you wouldn't give it a second look.
Strawberry Delight – Royal Holloway
Sickly sweet and no-one’s favourite, just like the gals who go to RoHo. Holding a solitary circular red number aloft, their head bobs side to side for their Christmas Day boomerang on their brand new iPhone X, complete with fluffy pink case of course.
Dream – Durham
A dream isn’t anyone’s first choice, just like Durham. Durham students spend the three years of their undergraduate degree dreaming that they had got into Oxford or Cambridge, but only after crying themselves to sleep because they're such a disappointment to their vastly more successful parents.
People disliked the inclusion of Dream in the box of Heroes so much it’s been discontinued, and I think I speak for everyone when I say I hope Durham and it’s students encounter a similar fate.
Fudge (Quality Street) – Oxford
A classic. Old people love it and Oxford is full of crusty, old white men.
Fudge (Heroes) – Brookes
More fun than Oxford but ultimately an inferior product.
Toffee Deluxe – London unis (King’s, UCL and LSE)
London unis have deluxe vibes and anyone who goes has the expectation that their life will be deluxe also. When actually, like a toffee, three years at a London uni are fucking hard to get through. 800 quid is spent on rent, it’s a fiver a pint, and by the end of it all you wish you’d never picked it to begin with.
Snickers – Birmingham
People at Birmingham are almost as nutty as a Snickers bar. You love downing doubles at TigerTiger and having wet disco kisses at Pryzm.
There are a lot of layers to you, but the thick nuts and heavy texture indicate that you are not one to be walked over. Inherently confrontational and with a tongue as sharp as a kitchen knife. You might not be going to the best university in the world but you’ll get a fire job, purely because you refuse to take any shit.
Dairy Milk – Nottingham
So bland that after two minutes you will forget you even ate it. Nottingham is a pretty standard university experience, the campus drowns out any hopes of excitement, you will get drunk on VKs at the SU, and get a standard 2:1 that will get you a nice respectable job somewhere. But who needs highs and lows in life? Just stick to what you know satisfies you.
Galaxy – Nottingham Trent
Basically the same as Cadbury Dairy Milk right? Oh how wrong you are. Galaxy had high hopes for a future at Uni of Nottingham, full of employment prospects and fit hockey girls. But no, you fucked up your A-levels and ended up at Trent. Just like you bought a box of Heroes instead of a massive fuck-off tub of Celebrations. Hang your head in shame.
Milk Choc Block – Warwick
Definitely fancier than Dairy Milk or Galaxy thanks to the emerald green wrapper, but would you seriously choose this over Dairy Milk or Galaxy? You're so boring that even Nottingham and Trent are too exciting for you. I bet you're the type of person to put the sweet wrappers straight into the bin instead of back in the tub where they belong.
Twix – Bristol
It really is the whole package. Everyone’s smart, good looking, sporty and they fucking love a sesh. What more could you possibly want from a university? And indeed, what more could you want from a Christmas chocolate? A perfect balance of chocolate, caramel and biscuit, all wrapped up in an elegantly simple gold wrapper. You quite literally could not ask for more.
Time Out – UWE
You wanted a Twix but had to settle for a Time Out. Chocolate, check. Biscuit, check. But where’s the caramel? It’s up the road at the proper educational institution in your uni town. Fair enough, you went to Bristol for the nightlife, just a shame about the sub-par education you’ll receive at UWE.
Milky Way – Southampton
The fluffy nougat and thin layers of chocolate make Milky Ways as soft and as easy to digest as baby food. In this sense, it is just like a course at Southampton. You are probably a bit immature for your age, like chanting in the streets and making jokes about poo. But hey! You have a good time.
Cadbury Eclairs – Glasgow
Hard as nails. Your auntie broke a tooth on a Cadbury Eclair once and your uncle got a tooth broken on a stag do in Glasgow.
Creme Egg Twisted – Sussex
Someone definitely came up with this Celebration under the influence of a psychedelic substance, and let’s be honest, if they’re into acid they probably went to Sussex.
Toblerone – UEA
Well their campus pretty much resembles a concrete Toblerone, which you only eat around Christmas just like you only ever go to Norwich during the festive season to visit your Nan.
Crunchie – Northumbria
No messing about. It is what it says on the tin. A crunchie is crunchy, and Northumbria students don’t fuck about. They fuck, they fight, they have fun. That’s all there is to it, now fuck off.
The Purple One – St Andrews
For starters, it’s a lovely royal purple, classic St Andrews. You chose this choc thinking it’s going to be the innocent choice, just some boring plain chocolate, right? Wrong! Bite into this bad boy and next thing you know you’re off your nut at a Sinners night snogging the whole rugby team. You're full of surprises!