Rating flatmate horror stories as a Glasgow home student who can watch from the sidelines

The flatmate curse appears to the home students as a mythical rite of passage for all students living on campus. Something unavoidable that students impress upon first years, passing tales of uncleanliness, a lack of boundaries, noise complaints, etcetera.

We asked students at the University of Glasgow to submit their stories to give me and my other fellow home students a good laugh and provide them with some motivation to continue their tortuous commute to a 9am lecture (I see you). The ranking system will consist of three aspects: Shock factor, relatability and comedic value. These will be given a score out of five for optimal scientific analysis of course.

‘Flatmate told me she had sex dreams about my boyfriend’

I genuinely don’t know where to start with this one. I honestly don’t think this could be waterboarded out of me. The whole ‘other woman wanting a taken man trope’ is age old, what a classic.

• Shock: Automatic 5/5
• Relatability: 1/5
• Comedic value: 4/5

Overall Score: 10/15, this story appears to be something that could happen to us home students too though, so I probably shouldn’t jinx myself just yet.

‘Killed two of my plants and left threatening post-its addressed to me’

via Unsplash

I have so many questions, did they mean to kill the plants? Did they follow through on the threats? What on earth were the threats?

• Shock: 5/5
• Relatability: 1/5
• Comedic value: 5/5

Overall: 11/15, I hope this student is physically and mentally okay because, yikes!

‘My flatmate set up a compost system, and I came back to 80 billion flies in the kitchen’

I am personally a clean freak, so honestly this may send me into psychosis, I hope you never have to live with this individual ever again.

• Shock: 0/5
• Relatability: 4/5
• Comedic value: 5/5

Overall: 9/15, it is only funny because it didn’t happen to me. It appears that flat uncleanliness is a common occurrence across campus.

‘Someone in my flat doesn’t flush and leaves logs of turd behind’

This is a huge pet peeve; I would slowly descend into madness every time this happened. I also love that this is just ‘someone’, implying that the culprit hasn’t yet been caught.

• Shock: 0/5
• Relatability: 5/5
• Comedic value: 4/5

Overall: 9/15, I hope the individual is found and brought to justice, or at least a seminar on household etiquette.

‘Got fake tan all over the walls and we didn’t get our deposit back’

I need to know the logistics of this, I am more impressed than anything else.

• Shock: 2/5
• Relatability: 0/5
• Comedic value: 4/5

Overall: 6/15, honestly, fair play for being able to do that, I wasn’t aware this was possible.

‘They drank all my booze and replaced my vodka with water’

via Unsplash

This is such a classic move, I wonder how long it took this student to figure out why they were sobering up instead of getting drunk.

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• Shock: 2/5
• Relatability: 4/5
• Comedic value: 3/5

Overall: 9/15, watching the realisation would be priceless. Saying they drank it all is ominous, how much was there to start with? that’s the real question.

‘My second year flatmate slept with my boyfriend when I was on holiday’

Who raised these people, genuinely? In this scenario while the flatmate is in the wrong, how on earth did the boyfriend let this happen. I think blame needs to be assigned firmly to him.

• Shock: 4/5
• Relatability: 1/5
• Comedic value: 3/5

Overall: 8/15, I am more interested in knowing how this student came to find this out? Who sold the other out? I am so invested in this.

‘My flatmate got drunk and ate my goldfish’

via Unsplash

I thought these stories would all be light hearted, what did I just read?!?

• Shock: 5/5
• Relatability: 0/5
• Comedic value: 4/5

Overall: 9/15, if you don’t laugh at this situation, you’ll cry. I am quickly moving on as I am at a loss for words with this one.

‘My flatmates put me on the tabs secret crush Wednesday every week’

Firstly, your flatmates have excellent media consumption habits. This situation just screams awkward, I wonder how long it took this student to realise that it was their flatmates submitting them on a weekly basis.

• Shock: 2/5
• Relatability: 0/5
• Comedic value: 2/5

Overall: 4/15, I am unsure if I should be concerned about their persistence or if this is light hearted. In any case, it seems like this is still ongoing. I need to know if the flatmates are aware that this student knows.

‘My flatmate Mongolian throat sings all hours of the day and night’

I had to search this up, and I am actually impressed. At night this might be a bit frustrating but this seems cool in all honesty.

• Shock: 4/5
• Relatability: 0/5
• Comedic value: 3/5

Overall: 7/15, I wonder if this is done as a expression of culture or if this is just something they learned. Either way, pretty impressive (at least when not done in the middle of the night).

‘Chatted shit about me to my friends at my birthday party’

This is bad enough on its own, never mind at your own birthday party. The real question is why did they feel comfortable enough to speak ill of you in front of your friends.

• Shock: 2/5
• Relatability: 5/5
• Comedic value: 4/5

Overall: 11/15, I hope this student got some better friends and have had better birthdays since. Not the most ideal present.

Honourable mention to the student who simply replied “scabies” with no context whatsoever. I am hooked, and I need to know more.

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Featured image via Unsplash