Here’s your song from the new Harry Styles album based on your Lancs Uni college

It’s not just me who’s had Kiss All The Time, Disco Occasionally on a loop walking around campus this week, right? Every single track is a winner. So yes, that means it’s finally time for something never before seen at The Lancaster Tab: a college theme-assigning article that literally no college can be offended by.

Well, that might not be entirely true… *cough, cough* Cartmel *cough*…

Without further ado, here’s what song from the hot new Harry Styles album you are based on your Lancaster Uni college. Are you listening yet?

Bowland – ‘Aperture’

I mean, what else could it have been? For the most central college on campus, it’s got to be the star single Aperture. Just like the song, Bowland’s mainstream for good reason, the focal point of campus where “we belong together” and where everyone can have a brief moment of respite before getting back on the spine.

Bowland’s one of the oldest colleges, and since Aperture was the first single from the affectionately named “Kissco”, it only makes sense that they get this bop.

Fylde – ‘Ready, Steady, Go!’

Yeah, yeah, “Fylde is the sporty college”, we know.

However, I actually do think this lively, flirty, pumped-up powerhouse of a track is a perfect fit for Fylde. All the Harry fans loved Ready, Steady, Go! straight off the mark; it’s a crowd-pleaser, and so is this college with its central location, ever-crowded sports bar The Mill, and determination to never back down from a challenge… unless they could just have a pint out on the Bonington Steps instead.

Lonsdale – ‘Paint By Numbers’

As one of the more heartfelt tracks on the album, Paint By Numbers has that low-key but likeable Lonsdale energy. Like Bowland, Lonsdale is one of the oldest colleges, and this number’s lyrics definitely have the same mature, learned, open-minded quality to them.

Got to say though, Lonsdale is borderline impossible to navigate if you don’t live there (I mean, seriously, just one building looking slightly different from another would be nice). When Harry said, “It’s a lifetime of learning to paint by numbers / Watching the colours run”, I felt the same melancholic resignation I feel when I’m wandering aimlessly around Lonsdale, trying (to no avail, duh) to work the iLancaster map.

Grizedale – ‘Taste Back’

Since Grizedale is known for its townhouse party spirit and popular kid energy, I was going to give them one of the more dance-able tracks on the record.

But my mind was changed when I heard the Taste Back lyric, ‘Dinner with your high school friends / And your favourite pastry’. Now, most Grizedale people I’ve met aren’t the most college-crazy, but one thing they do all have in common is that they’re well and truly locked in for life when it comes to the fellow Grizedale friends they’ve made. I just know they will all be getting dinner together years after graduating, ‘just like old times’.

And, of course, you can only get ‘your favourite pastry’ from Grizedale’s pride and joy: Co-op bakery. Yes, Harry, you do ‘just need a little love’, and you can always find it in a chocolate croissant.

County – ‘Pop’

And so, the big party track goes (as always) to County. Their rave-ready reputation precedes them, not to mention the nickname ‘chlamydia County’…

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Pop is cheeky, upbeat, club-classic material, and it’s got that promiscuous edge that makes it the only correct choice for County. Not only that, but the rivalry between Fylde and County sort of mimics that of Pop and Ready, Steady, Go! as two of the biggest dance tracks on Kiss All The Time, Disco Occasionally.

Sorry for the mild slander, County folks… but “it’s meant to be Pop”!

Pendle – ‘Season 2 Weight Loss’

I can’t lie, Pendle gives off cult vibes. Or maybe coven. You guys love to drop into every conversation that you’re a Pendle warrior like it’s a personality trait everyone needs to acknowledge. In other words, it’s giving anxious attachment style, which is definitely in line with Season 2 Weight Loss and its refrains of ‘Do you love me now? / Do you? Do you? Do I let you down?’

Seriously, Pendle: “you’ve gotta sit yourself down sometimes”. Chill out.

Furness – ‘Carla’s Song’

Furness is known for being the smallest college on campus, and despite being in the middle of things, it’s got a mysterious introvert reputation. Quiet, yes, but that hasn’t stopped the Furnessians from winning their annual ‘Patriots’ contest with rival-college Cartmel five years in a row.

Carla’s Song matches this profile pretty perfectly; it’s got a subtle, serene power to it that builds into a beautiful soundscape, and it may be the last but is by no means the least memorable track. It’s one of my personal favourites, at least, and I’ve heard nothing but praise for it. Sounds just like Furness!

Plus, it’s well-acknowledged across campus that Furness’s bar Trevor is the best of all the colleges’. ‘I know what you like’ and it’s a Trevs trip on a Friday afternoon.

Cartmel – ‘The Waiting Game’

Right, it’s officially time for some Cartmel slander (guessed which college I’m in yet?).

Don’t get me wrong, I love The Waiting Game. But that hook: ‘Playing the waiting game / But it all adds up to nothing’… resonating a bit, Patriots losers?

“You can romanticise your shortcomings”, but let’s face it, Cartmel, you’ve been fighting a losing battle for five years.

You’ve got Barkers though, so I guess I’ll give you that.

Graduate – ‘Coming Up Roses’

I know you lot over at Graduate are probably sick to death of being called old by The Tab, but come on – those Coming Up Roses strings are so you with your black-coffee-and-classical-music aura.

Coming Up Roses is also the only track from this new album with lyrics written by Harry alone. It’s giving independent, it’s giving expert, it’s giving graduate.

Plus, your logo is literally the Lancaster rose; Harry clearly wrote this just for you so you’d have the perfect soundtrack to your burnout-cry-sesh.

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