University of Bristol bans applications from Surrey students because their ‘vibes are off’

A leaked email has revealed that University of Bristol will no longer accept applications from students from Surrey.

UoB will be the first UK university to implement a ban on student applications due to their location.

The reason for this ban, the email revealed, is because the vibes of students who originate from Surrey “conflict with the city’s interests”.

Wherever you fall on the north/south divide, most people can agree that there are an awful lot of southern trust fund babies in the Bristol area. This may prove as good or bad news for you based on how you say words such as “grass” and “mummy”.

The email addressed the high number of applicants from students in Surrey and their effect on the city, explaining that to help combat these issues, the university has chosen to simply turn down applicants from students with Surrey postcodes – even if their parents know someone who knows someone.

It read: “This decision follows an internal review of applicant demographics and their impact on Bristol’s student culture and city environment. The university has identified that the prevailing student culture from Surrey conflicts with the city’s interests and, as a result, has chosen to restrict applications from this region.:

Management defended this decision to exclude students from this area by suggesting that the new policy was in an effort to maintain the “unique” character of the university: “The university has long been committed to fostering a diverse and representative student body. Addressing the disproportionate number of applicants from Surrey is part of a broader effort to maintain Bristol’s unique character and ensure a more balanced student community.”

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Mick Take, a second year marketing student told The Bristol Tab that he can’t even do one lap of the Wills Memorial Library without crossing paths with Surrey students.

He told The Bristol Tab: “The amount of students from Surrey particularly inhabiting Gloucester Road is insane. Not only that but it’s too much for the InPost lockers to deal with from all their Vinted orders. I can’t post anything unless I go at the crack of dawn and it’s practically unhealthy to get up before 8am in my opinion.

“I can’t do one lap around the library without smelling Jo Malone and XQS Tropical Strong.”

When asked about the ban on students from Surrey, second year student, April, explained that it was a great way to maintain the cool image of Bristol. She said: “I think northern students are cooler anyway. Our vibes are better and we can drink more because we basically grew up on £2 pints.”

Jules, a resident living in Redland told The Bristol Tab that she frequently hears slang she believes has been brought to Bristol by Surrey students and that she doesn’t understand it: “The amount of times I hear the words  ‘yah’ and ‘rah’ is simply too much to deal with – what even is a ‘rah’? I fear it may wipe out the Bristol dialect completely.”

According to the email, the ban is already in place and will impact those applying to study at University of Bristol for academic year 24/25.

You should probably check the date, you April fools!

Featured image via Google Maps